Time to move on
Its finally over
I cant believe
I can finally breath
Again
Time changes everything
Our love did fade
Along with the feelings
I felt and I gave
So what are you doing here?
Get off of your knees dear
How can I make this clear
To you?
You and me weren’t meant to be
No happy endings
for us round here
And guess what?
Ive never been happy happier in my life
I’m free from your grasp now
I can finally be me now
Its long gone over baby cant you see
You ruined it for us
And you ruined it for me
so for that, thanks sweetie
Now do you still think your other girlfriend was more important
You might have a chance with her
Oh and if you see her, tell her you EX SAYS HI!
But with me that’s something time wont grant
And you only have yourself to thank for that
You ask if Im okay and if everything is good
I say its fine
But tonight’s party ends at 2:59
Am
And all I can say to you
Is
Thanks again
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I life the strong message and the strong emotion you expressed in this piece. I do want to correct a few spelling, off key errors, and missing commas.
"It's*" and "can't*". Also, cut out "Again" to throw back on the rhythm.
Cut out "To you?". To keep it on the rhythm.
"I've*", "It's*", and "can't*".
Please, reframe from using caps like you did for "EX SAYS HI!".
"I'm*" and "it's*". Cut out "AM" too.
I hope this helps!
-Rick.
This sounds angry, and, while I know it sounds angry, it doesn't make me feel angry too, and really good poetry should do that. Your line breaks are strange, especially the "Am" on a separate line, as when I first looked at it I thought it said am, as in I am, and it confused me. This might also be my personal preference but I'm not sure why people call exes "baby", in songs et cetera, after they have broken up and hate each other. The caps were inappropriate, and parts of the poem were very cliché, for example, "you and me weren't meant to be", and some of the rhyming seemed forced.
You have the emotion there to write a really heart-felt poem, but you need to express it in a unique way, with a little more substance. Keep writing and experimenting.
Hello there! Welcome to YWS! Hope you are having fun.
You poem was overall very nice and and a good effective voice.
Now the mice:
-You have the wrong 'its' here. It is supposed to be it's here. Note the apostrophe.
- You spelled can't wrong. You forgot something
- I think you mean 'breathe' here, not 'breath'
-I also think the word 'again' would do well in the previous line.
for example
Instead of
I can finally breathe
Again
Try:
I can finally breathe again
It runs smoother.
- 'To you' really bugged me here. It seems to abrupt and ruined the whole flow and rhythm of the poem.
-As a rule 'You and me' is incorrect, it's supposed to be 'You and I'. But it didn't really bug me. And I understand the girl is 'saying' this, so it works out ok.
-Again it's not Ive it's supposed to be I've.
-Same with 'cant'....can't.
I like the sarcasm in this stanza!
-I just don't like the caps over there. I think it would be ok it those words weren't in caps. Maybe you could write 'Ex says Hi!' in a new line to make it stand out.
-I'm not Im
- wrong it's. I recommend you visiting this site. http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-dif ... nd-its.htm
It might help you sort your its.
-You mean 2:59 am right? I don't think it would hurt to put 'am' beside the number instead of in a new line. I actually think it seem awkward in another line.
I love how you ended this and I liked the repetition of "thanks again'
One more thing, I don't understand the rhyming that's going on here. It's rather confusing and awkward.
All the best
-Icy
PS. If you have questions PM me and I'd be more than happy to help you.