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Young Writers Society



thanks again

by Twilight_girl101


Time to move on
Its finally over
I cant believe
I can finally breath
Again
Time changes everything
Our love did fade
Along with the feelings
I felt and I gave

So what are you doing here?
Get off of your knees dear
How can I make this clear
To you?
You and me weren’t meant to be
No happy endings
for us round here
And guess what?


Ive never been happy happier in my life
I’m free from your grasp now
I can finally be me now
Its long gone over baby cant you see
You ruined it for us
And you ruined it for me
so for that, thanks sweetie

Now do you still think your other girlfriend was more important
You might have a chance with her
Oh and if you see her, tell her you EX SAYS HI!
But with me that’s something time wont grant
And you only have yourself to thank for that

You ask if Im okay and if everything is good
I say its fine
But tonight’s party ends at 2:59
Am
And all I can say to you
Is
Thanks again

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User avatar
189 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 189

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Thu Apr 10, 2008 9:18 pm
[deleted1] wrote a review...



Twilight_girl101 wrote:Time to move on
Its finally over
I cant believe
I can finally breath
Again
Time changes everything
Our love did fade
Along with the feelings
I felt and I gave

So what are you doing here?
Get off of your knees dear
How can I make this clear
To you?
You and me weren’t meant to be
No happy endings
for us round here
And guess what?


Ive never been happy happier in my life
I’m free from your grasp now
I can finally be me now
Its long gone over baby cant you see
You ruined it for us
And you ruined it for me
so for that, thanks sweetie

Now do you still think your other girlfriend was more important
You might have a chance with her
Oh and if you see her, tell her you EX SAYS HI!
But with me that’s something time wont grant
And you only have yourself to thank for that

You ask if Im okay and if everything is good
I say its fine
But tonight’s party ends at 2:59
Am
And all I can say to you
Is
Thanks again


I life the strong message and the strong emotion you expressed in this piece. I do want to correct a few spelling, off key errors, and missing commas.

Its finally over
I cant believe
I can finally breath
Again
Time changes everything
Our love did fade
Along with the feelings
I felt and I gave


"It's*" and "can't*". Also, cut out "Again" to throw back on the rhythm.

So, what are you doing here?
Get off of your knees dear
How can I make this clear
To you?
You and me weren’t meant to be
No happy endings
for us round here
And guess what?


Cut out "To you?". To keep it on the rhythm.

Ive never been happy happier in my life
I’m free from your grasp now
I can finally be me now
Its long gone over baby cant you see
You ruined it for us
And you ruined it for me
so for that, thanks sweetie


"I've*", "It's*", and "can't*".

Now do you still think your other girlfriend was more important
You might have a chance with her
Oh, and if you see her, tell her you EX SAYS HI!
But with me that’s something time wont grant
And you only have yourself to thank for that


Please, reframe from using caps like you did for "EX SAYS HI!".

You ask if Im okay and if everything is good
I say its fine
But tonight’s party ends at 2:59
Am
And all I can say to you
Is
Thanks again


"I'm*" and "it's*". Cut out "AM" too.

I hope this helps!

-Rick.




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558 Reviews

Points: 22481
Reviews: 558

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Wed Apr 09, 2008 9:24 pm
Matt Bellamy wrote a review...



This sounds angry, and, while I know it sounds angry, it doesn't make me feel angry too, and really good poetry should do that. Your line breaks are strange, especially the "Am" on a separate line, as when I first looked at it I thought it said am, as in I am, and it confused me. This might also be my personal preference but I'm not sure why people call exes "baby", in songs et cetera, after they have broken up and hate each other. The caps were inappropriate, and parts of the poem were very cliché, for example, "you and me weren't meant to be", and some of the rhyming seemed forced.

You have the emotion there to write a really heart-felt poem, but you need to express it in a unique way, with a little more substance. Keep writing and experimenting. :)




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317 Reviews

Points: 5120
Reviews: 317

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Wed Apr 09, 2008 7:49 am
mizz-iceberg wrote a review...



Hello there! Welcome to YWS! Hope you are having fun.

You poem was overall very nice and and a good effective voice.
Now the mice:


Its finally over
I cant believe
I can finally breath
Again


-You have the wrong 'its' here. It is supposed to be it's here. Note the apostrophe.

- You spelled can't wrong. You forgot something ;)

- I think you mean 'breathe' here, not 'breath'

-I also think the word 'again' would do well in the previous line.
for example

Instead of
I can finally breathe
Again
Try:
I can finally breathe again

It runs smoother.

So what are you doing here?
Get off of your knees dear
How can I make this clear
To you?
You and me weren’t meant to be


- 'To you' really bugged me here. It seems to abrupt and ruined the whole flow and rhythm of the poem.

-As a rule 'You and me' is incorrect, it's supposed to be 'You and I'. But it didn't really bug me. And I understand the girl is 'saying' this, so it works out ok.

Ive never been happy happier in my life
I’m free from your grasp now
I can finally be me now
Its long gone over baby cant you see
You ruined it for us
And you ruined it for me
so for that, thanks sweetie


-Again it's not Ive it's supposed to be I've.
-Same with 'cant'....can't.

I like the sarcasm in this stanza!
Now do you still think your other girlfriend was more important
You might have a chance with her
Oh and if you see her, tell her you EX SAYS HI!
But with me that’s something time wont grant
And you only have yourself to thank for that


-I just don't like the caps over there. I think it would be ok it those words weren't in caps. Maybe you could write 'Ex says Hi!' in a new line to make it stand out.

You ask if Im okay and if everything is good
I say its fine
But tonight’s party ends at 2:59
Am
And all I can say to you
Is
Thanks again


-I'm not Im

- wrong it's. I recommend you visiting this site. http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-dif ... nd-its.htm
It might help you sort your its.

-You mean 2:59 am right? I don't think it would hurt to put 'am' beside the number instead of in a new line. I actually think it seem awkward in another line.

I love how you ended this and I liked the repetition of "thanks again'

One more thing, I don't understand the rhyming that's going on here. It's rather confusing and awkward.

All the best
-Icy
PS. If you have questions PM me and I'd be more than happy to help you.





There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
— Arthur C. Clarke