Published September 27, 2005
A/N= ehe. this actually stared as an assignment. We had 7 minutes to write a poem about whatever came to mind. Well, since I had "Ghost of a Rose" by Blackmore's Night stuck in my head this is what I got. It's kindda weird but the last verse is kindda got addicting to say over and over again:
Moon Rose
Promise to think
Promise to see
The rose that blooms
For the Pale Moons glee
A thought between us
Hearts intertwined
This ghostly apparition
Is all that remained behind
The colorless petals
Smile back at me
Mocking this once sweet
Serenity
The ghost of a rose
That you gave to me
An illusion on the moors
Alone remains of thee
Thine and Mine
Souls aligned
Came willingly
To the edge of time
A fault A doubt A sin
It may be
Enough to break
The divine eternity
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138,461 Literary Works • 672,125 Reviews
Hey there Twilight. I noticed that you never got a second review and I'm here to get your poem the rest of the way out of the green room. Since this was an assignment poem, I'm guessing that you didn't edit it very much before posting it on site, so there's a couple of key things I'll run over in this review.
I did give a listen to the song that you talked about in the author's note and I can see how it fits into the piece. It is definitely popping up in the rhyme scheme that you are laying down, along with the overall vibe that the reader might get from its tune. One thing that I don't care for in the rhymes is the irregularity of the pattern and then at times how you are forcing the sound to come out. This is another thing left up to later edits where the word choice can be shifted to still represent the meaning you wanted.
The next part of my review comes with how the poem is organized, lacking all stanzas and punctuation. Just to start with, I'm going to quote the whole thing down here and split it up in a manner that fits with the rhyme scheme and the thoughts presented.
The next big problem with formatting is the capitalization on the beginning on each line and in the middle of some of the lines. I can see it working for the phrase "Pale Moon's" because that's an actual name, the rest of it will just have to bite the dust. Taking out the capitalization and forming it into actual full thoughts, would really help with the flow in this poem. One such edit could look like this:
That's really all of the editing that needs to be done in this poem, aside from the occasional misplaced word. I'm getting a couple of interpretations from what's going on here and I think I'm actually enjoying the poem for that reason. Like in one mood I can definitely feel how this poem might be shaped around romance, but I can also feel the potential for this to be about a different type of relationship.
So this is a good starting point and could use a bit of work, but I like the base.
Good job and good luck.
- Lizz <3
coolio!! nice imagery, and it all seems really hearfelt. the rhyming seemed a bit forced in some parts, though, and about this part:
"a thought between us,
hearts intertwined,
this ghostly apparation
is all that remained behind..."
i think perhaps you should change that last line to "is all thats left behind", because it fits better. but thats just one little bitty thing. i liked this poem alot!!
Nice....
Some lines were a bit too long, for the rest of the poem, but I liked this. Good job