Stolen Secrets: Chapter 1 Part 2

by Turtles514

Published August 29, 2016

12+

In My First Book

PreviousNext

This time I awake somewhere different, more relaxed and comfortable. Dim lighting, smooth caramel colored walls with a stripes of deep blue, and now resting in a soft bed my body has restored some health, darkening to a shade slightly tanner than before.

Ruining the illusion is the I.V. needle in my arm connected to a dangling bag of fluids along with the stiff hospital robe, my clean hands and bandaged leg. Why? Why did these people keep me here, probably make me kill that person, practically die, then heal me back up good as new, nothing made any sense.

Enough, I’m done pondering for answers I have to get out I have to leave. Find that somewhere, no something, it was like a taste of the sweetest dessert in the world but I don’t know what kind, or where to find it. Which was the most frustrating feeling in the world, suddenly a sharp headache shot through my head with flashes of words and pictures fading in and out but the only thing I could remember from the whole ordeal was a name, Emma Claire, my name.

Even though the information came with screaming pain it was something. I could scream, jump up and down at the moment but I don’t have time, this just created more questions than it did answers.

Time to take action, pulling myself up, ripping the blankets off and the I.V. needle out leaving a small dot of leaking blood. Jumping on my feet which felt odd and unbalanced as if I hadn’t walked in 6 months, has it been that long or longer since I had opened my eyes, another thought never to be answered.

I glance around the room looking for supplies, if I’m going to take on an army might as well be prepared. Only finding a water bottle and protein bar, in the drawer of a nightstand, I devour the snack and take a few swallows of water. I decide to make it my number one priority after, escaping of course, to find some suitable clothes.

Swinging the only exit being a sturdy steel door open with eyes alert, I trotted down the hallway keeping my head low in case there are any security cameras and trying to be silent but completely failing. As the sound of my bare feet slamming the floor echo in the long, empty, white hallways which seems to be a popular color choice in this mysterious facility. Anyways I take two lefts then a right passing a few closed doors labeled to be storage closets until I find a locker room that doesn’t appear to be busy so I wander in hoping to find clothes that don’t automatically say “runaway patient zero” or “target practice”.

That’s exactly what I find, a pair of gray and green scrubs along with a schedule sheet, map and an empty lunch box, which means it’s past lunch time and I only have a few hours of light left. The scrubs were baggy but still meant for a petite woman, I let out a long sigh realizing I still don’t even know how old I am but I would guess 16-19. Taking a moment to look at myself in the mirror, I am raw, bare with no make-up, tangled, dark, red tinted brown hair, the shade of burnt velvet cake, thick eyebrows, and dark blue eyes. Unexpected anger blooms inside of me, I can’t bare to look at such an unfamiliar face, that I have should recognize in a crowd but I can't.

Strolling down the hallway passing a maximum of three or four other workers until an announcement begins with a high pitch noise “Warning, if suspicious personal is seen please report to the main office immediately, thank you” I have only been gone thirty minutes at the most. Running down the hallway following the map, I haven't seen anyone else but before I turn the last corner three guards walk right into my speeding body.

The adrenaline pumping into my veins gives me the strength to grab hold of the first guard’s chest armor and sling him to the ground propelling myself through the other two. Running so fast I begin to have side stitches with a dry, scratchy throat from breathing yet I still continue with no other choice, giving up is not an option anymore. I can see the setting sun through the thick glass doors, while listening to the echoing shouts of the guards and the noise of their radios alerting anybody else in the area. Finally reaching the doors and busting through into the last drop of sunlight almost being tackled by a guard.

Just taking a second to breathe in fresh air I begin to Sprint again into a barely visible forest. With the darkness disabling my vision I consistently trip over roots, sticks, and holes, the guards are persistent, now using strange long distance taser guns, one of which I stole from the first guard is gripped in my hand.

Still sprinting I begin to slow to a jog, I'm about a mile away with the shouts fading, my hope for survival and escape rises spreading a joyous smile across my face for the first time. Yet navigating became a challenge from steep hills to sharp cliffs and the activeness of the day has set in with aches along with tiredness.

Out of the blue another piercing headache came with a vision of beautiful autumn leaves, little girl giggles, with a man I believe was her father or my father. I can't quite break down what is happening but when I finally come to my senses I realize I've tumbled down a sharp hill with a stick poking through my abdomen.

The pain settles instantly causing me to wince and scream without end, all hope is gone there is no way anyone will find me in these woods before dawn when I will be dead. I can't take the burden of all the pain, questions, fear in one pointless day, all this struggle for nothing, so I let my conscience slip forever to be gone.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
burninhell
Review
burninhell wrote a review Review · Sep 2, 2016

Hey!
Slightly belated welcome to YWS!
Okay so, lets get down to it, I'm gonna run through nitpicks first and then get to the good stuffs :)
So, here goes.

darkening to a shade slightly tanner than before.

I don't quite know if tanner is correct here, perhaps something more along the lines of:
A shade slightly more tanned than before. ?

Enough, I’m done pondering for answers I have to get out I have to leave.

Okay, so here, and in a couple of other places there just seems to be a lack of punctuation. So here for example, I would perhaps restructure to something more like:
Enough, I’m done pondering for answers. I have to get out, I have to leave.
See what I mean? Just gives it a little more dramatic effect.

I could scream, jump up and down at the moment but I don’t have time, this just created more questions than it did answers.

Okay, so I'm going to suggest that you rephrase this sentence. It's just that the phrasing is a little confusing. So, the 'this just created more questions' part of the sentence almost appears as though jumping up and down is what is what is creating more questions. I know that you probably meant it in relation to the name, but I think that by rephrasing this sentence that would be a little clearer.

I decide to make it my number one priority after, escaping of course, to find some suitable clothes.

Okay, so with this sentence I'd maybe suggest shuffling around just to help with how it reads, so maybe make it something like:
I decide to make it my number one priority to find some clothes, after escaping of course.

Swinging the only exit being a sturdy steel door

Okay, so to me this just seems to be worded a little strangely, simply because of the word 'swinging'. Is the door swinging? Is she swinging past it? What's swinging?

I begin to Sprint again

Okay, super tiny thing, I don't think that sprint should be capitalized.

Still sprinting I begin to slow to a jog

Okay, so this one is kind of personal preference, but I don't really think that you need the words 'Still sprinting' at the start of this sentence. I think maybe it would flow a little better if it were simply 'I begin to slow to a jog.'

And that's it! They're mostly just small grammatical errors, but if you get around to editing them I think that it will help this piece flow a little better.

As for the story that you have here, I love it! Your pacing is perfect, lots of things happen and yet it doesn't feel rushed, which is great! It's super gripping, you've got so much mystery and action all packed into a relatively short chapter, it's awesome!
I love how you've allowed the feelings and emotions of the narrator show through in this piece, you can really tell how confused she is, which in turn makes me even more curious as to what's going on!
Your descriptions are also amazing! You've made it really easy to be able to envisage what's going on within this chapter, I love how you described the hilly landscape after she escaped.
I'm so curious to know more. What happened to her? Who was holding her? Why were they holding her? Was it only her? So many questions. Which is great!
Long story short, this is a great chapter, I can't wait to read more :)
Burn

User avatar
Holysocks
Review
Holysocks wrote a review Review · Aug 30, 2016

Hey there!

You've got a nice start here! You did a really good job of keeping the story moving and full of interesting events- which is absolutely brilliant and needs to be more common in beginnings! So kudos to you!

Dim lighting, smooth caramel colored walls with a stripes of deep blue, and now resting in a soft bed my body has restored some health, darkening to a shade slightly tanner than before.


I'm not really sure what you're talking about here. First you're describing the room, but then it almost seems like you jump into describing how the character is resting... and then you go back to talking about what the room looks like...? Try to be a bit more clearer, and use periods more. Try being more firm with what you're saying, like: The room's lighting was dim, and the walls looked like smooth caramel with deep-blue stripes. The bed I was resting on was soft, and I felt restored. Just try to be as straight-forward as you can; writing is primarily to communicate. If it's confusing, than the story won't get through to people!

Why did these people keep me here, probably make me kill that person, practically die, then heal me back up good as new, nothing made any sense.


This is a good example of where you need to pay attention to how you're punctuating/not punctuating things. Instead of the first comma, there should be a question mark because there is a question being asked. The next few lines get a little confusing and it's hard to tell what the character is trying to say. This is another example of where you need to try to be more clear. How can we be more clear here? Try to finish one thought before moving onto the next. They probably were going to make me kill that person. <-- If I'm correct in assuming that was supposed to be a statement. Then move onto the next, once you're sure there aren't any questions that need to be answered or thought processes that need to be clarified (ask yourself: did I explain who the person was that she was going to be made to kill in the prologue? Do I need to clarify who it is that the character is talking about? Do I need to give a reason behind my character's thought-process?).

Now move onto the next thought: I practically died. Ask yourself again: does this need more explaining? Do the readers know what's going on? Even if things were explained previously, sometimes readers need to be reminded what is being talked about- plus, when you almost die, you tend to think about how that almost happened... so if Emma ponders it a little bit, it wouldn't be unrealistic at all- and it might help us organize in our heads what had happened exactly to her, and how it had felt. After that, move onto the next thought. Keep in mind that when you finish a statement, you should use a period. It might do you some good to get a grammar and punctuation book!- I have one because I've always struggled with that sort of thing, so it can be very helpful! ^_^


hoping to find clothes that don’t automatically say “runaway patient zero” or “target practice”.


This made me laugh! Love it!

I have only been gone thirty minutes at the most.


I found this surprising- it didn't seem like Emma had been gone that long. Maybe there's a way you can try to show time passing while she's escaping- like she gets lost and can't figure out how to get out, or goes up or down a wack-load of stairs? Right now it seems like it took her more like ten or fifteen minutes to me.

I realize I've tumbled down a sharp hill


Do you maybe mean a "cliff"? Or a "steep" hill, perhaps? "Sharp" is an odd way to describe a hill, in my opinion!

Anyway, I hope you keep this up! Nice cliff-hanger at the end, by the way! Certainly makes me wonder if anyone will find her and if so, who that someone will be! o.o

-Socks



life is so much better with tater tots
— AilahEvelynMae