Published March 20, 2009
[center] Poem removed, I'm trying to get it published
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140,879 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
The poem depresses me. It puts me down as a girl...like the dramatics of it though=)
I liked the idea behind this poem but the structure was a little too off when you didn't mean it so (it does seem). For one I think for this poem, stylistically, all the stanza's should be the same length. If you intended for the last stanza to be powerful with only its two lines then keep it like that...but where does the first stanza (talking about style not words) fit in at all? I think this poem could have done a lot better with a different beginning.
All lines start with either "what's" or "when" except for...
...maybe you should change this part to make it match the rest?
[spoiler]4/10[/spoiler]
In your poem I could really hear the tone coming out and it was nice. The theme was cool too.
I just thought that was a little weird because I have never tried to grasp a straw but hey, that could just be me.
and somehow make it one sentence starting with when. Then I would add a line to you last stanza that started with when also. It was really good!
Kay
Hi Turtle. Welcome to YWS. This flows well, and the ending is effective. I'd only use the refrain at the beginning and the end, as it gets a little tedious. Either that or I'd expand on your stanzas, so that there are longer breaks between hearing it.
The beginning is good and draws the reader in. I'd cut the second stanza as it's cliche, and doesn't move the poem forward.
I like the imagery of stanza three, but I'd tweak your phrasing slightly for the sake of the rhythm;
"What's a girl to do
when the sparkle is gone ,
when they begin to fade, "
or something like that.
Try saying this out loud so you can see how it sounds.
Stanza four doesn't add much new either. "Goes to pieces" is one of those phrases that has been used so much it's lost its effect. Try thinking about what it means to you to break down, to have things fall apart, and try to specificially describe what that means, how that feels. Try not to use the line that comes most easily to you, as that's usually the line you've heard somewhere before.
I'd reccomend reading poetry anthologies, as they'll help you a lot in your writing. There are also some good articles in "Poetry Tutorials".
If you're interested in repetition, I'd experiment with forms like villanelle. You can look them up in google. Wikipedia have a bit on them. Alternatively, Stephen Fry has a great book on poetic form, called "The Ode Less Travelled", which is deffinetely worth a read.
Questions, questions, questions... I also have a question? "What's a boy to do?"
I do think that changing the stanzas (2, 3, 4 verses) hasn't done any good to this poem, just opposite of good. There wasn't many mistakes, but, to tell the truth, this was kinda boring... 3/10
Turtle,
I think you have genuine feeling about your topic, but I don't think that's translated in this poem. The repetition of the primary line in each stanza is fine, but you need to use it to your advantage in a more constructive way than what you are currently doing. The feelings you may have toward the sequestered of your poem are not really translated through the poem. I find that, when writing, it's best to simply sit back and focus on what you are trying to communicate, don't force anything, otherwise it won't be genuine. CHeck out some of my stuff, I think you'll get a feel about what I am saying; review as well. In time, your writing will grow, just keep on trying.
PaperMoon