“Marvin! “ A voice rang throughout the room, “Marvin!” The robot groaned and turned towards the fake wall, within the ship they have stolen. The thoughts of the poor robot, on the floor with nothing than a blanket, was “Mind the fact I am sleeping and everything would be wonderful”. The robot was chosen to come to this mission as a prototype yet as the mission had failed horribly, he was left in the dust along with a towel and a dust lining his pipes. Due the fact he was being rescued by people as he laid there in the desert sand, counting how many seconds he could have died and finding that these people were cheerful and chipper made Marvin more depressed. He never liked people as in the fact other robots; mostly because both had the same emotional state; both were programmed to react to sudden movement; and were both programmed to speak a lot, mostly about anything that would come to their mind as wonderful or pleasing.
“Marvin!” The voice harsher as the robot groaned in a metallic voice, then decided that the voice wasn’t going to stop bothering him, so with all the strength he process into his little metal arms he propped himself up. He looked around the dark room, noticing blinking of the lights on the panel and the stars glowing from outside. Marvin depressingly sighed and stood up, his feet nearly giving way to his fat body size. His metal feet, clanked against the floor, sending echoes along the walls and around the halls while Marvin shook his head; he never liked waking up in the middle of the night, seeing what Ae would need.
He stomped through the hallway, noticing that the door opened with a pleasing tone and closing with a sigh which made him cranky. He never liked the ship either most since he thought the ship had hated him for what seemed to be inside Marvin’s head. Also, even though Ae noticed that Marvin had been talking to the machine and asked him where they would be going, Marvin would groan sadly and march to the corner while Ae shook her head, he never liked the shape of the ship.
Circle from inside, which didn’t to match the square outside decided by Ae’s parents to add an illusion to how the ship could possibly fly; the colors that painted the inside seemed to be a mix of Retta Red and Was-Ja-Kim Blue, making it oddly loveable and calmly nice; the outside was a slick black, refecting the moon's shine almost making it glow eeriely . But the oddest object within the ship, without the gripping pain of being tormented by a depressed robot, would be the fact a bobble head with its head being lost and the spring bouncing as the ship moved along its path. The fact the bobble head was odd that it had came with a book written in the ancient language of Monojokage or for short, Mono.
No one could read the book that came with the bobble head since the people that were chosen to read the book, were playing video games and drinking beers in a cellar of the research lab. Yet if one of the researchers had decided to read the book, it would have warned that “great danger was upon” but video games were more important at the moment.
“Marvin, where are you?” A voice shirked into the walky-talky he held. Marvin sighed heavily as he pushed the button on the side.
“Ae, I am at the receiving bay walking towards your bedroom.”
Silence.
“Marvin, do I sound like I am in the bedroom?”
“Well, your voice is cracking, Ae, so I suggested maybe-“
“My voice?!”
“Why does that sound surprising?”
Silence.
“That is like asking what a blind man sees when he sees a Dalmatian. Marvin, my voice has nothing to do with where I am.”
“Ae, actually-“
“Just come to the bedroom.” The click came from the other side as Marvin depressingly groaned as he walked, thinking about why he couldn’t have died in the mission.
End of chapter
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140,143 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey there! I'm here for the Big Review.
So yay! The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fanfiction! I love Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (hereafter referred to as HGttG, 'cause I don't have time to type it that much). Marvin is the best.
The one problem is, I wasn't sure this was fanfiction until I asked you. Now that I think about it, I recognize that sort of wacky Adams-style thing you've got going. To make it more clear, I'd recommend putting a few references in there to the books.
I know you said that this takes place before Marvin meets up with Zaphod and the others, but I actually think you could make it take place during that time when they leave him behind for several million years in the second book. That way, you could drop references to Zaphod and the others to make it clear to your reader that this is the Marvin.
On to the actual story. The main thing that stands out is the lack of plot, but I don't think that really matters - it's only chapter one, after all, and Adams-style stories don't tend to have a conventional plot anyway.
The other thing that stands out is that few of the hallmarks of Marvin from HGttG are there, which further adds to the confusion. Marvin is constantly complaining about how smart he is ("brain the size of a planet") and how that makes him depressed, and how various parts of him are worn through and ache, and how nobody cares about him, etc. He's a purely comedic character.
I didn't really get that sense from him other than the vague depression. This makes him less funny and more annoying, which isn't a good thing. If you have to, re-use the lines from the book (since those are pretty much staples of Martin's character), but it would be better if you could think up funny lines of your own. If you have no idea how to be funny, here are some great tips! (link is offsite)
On to technical things! Honestly, this story is a bit confusing to read. It just doesn't flow very well. The main thing I recommend is to read it out loud several times, making note of any parts that are difficult to read smoothly or just sound weird when read aloud.
I didn't understand this sentence at all. Does Marvin wish he was sleeping? Or is he annoyed that he got woken up? Why does he have a blanket? Robots don't get cold.
Also, I'd recommend making a new paragraph after this sentence. That's more grammatically correct and it helps to break up your long first paragraph.
Again, the sentence structure is confusing here. I think you could re-word the first sentence like this to make it clearer: "Being rescued by cheerful and chipper people only made Marvin more depressed."
I'm not quite sure what the second sentence is supposed to mean - is Marvin saying that robots and people are the same? You've got a good sentiment, it's just confusing. Try: "He had never liked people, but he didn't like robots either. In his opinion, humans and robots were one and the same - programmed to react to sudden movement, and to speak a lot..."
You tend to tell a lot - saying that something "made him cranky" or that he "hated it." Try not to tell these things, but instead show them - show how Marvin growls at the door that opens pleasantly. At the very least, show his exact thoughts towards whatever it is. That will also help make him funny.
I liked the aside about the bobble head and the book - that was funny. However, parts of that were also worded awkwardly, so give that a read-through as well. I'm not going to go through and point out each case - other reviewers have already done that.
My last bit of advice is that in the conversation between Ae (which is kind of a weird name, I'm not sure how to pronounce it), Marvin seems out of character, specifically here:
I feel like Martin would say something sarcastic here, or make a comment about his immense brain power. I think he would be a bit more confrontational here than you have him being. This would be a great opportunity for something funny, but instead it kind of falls flat.
Anyway, this was an enjoyable little story. I think you've got the style of Adam's work down pretty well, as far as goofiness and implausibility go. Keep up the good work, and I hope I helped!
Hey!!! Well it's review day today and I am up with it to review almost everything I can see right now.
So, let's not wait any further time and get onto reviewing this chapter of your new short story.
It's pretty cool that you have managed to write this short and precise. Good job on making it small and cute.
Let's talk about the story itself and how we really could make it look better! So, here I go!
Now here, the quotation marks are put wrong. That's not really a super big mistake but still!
Also, the word "rang" really doesn't fit in there. Please do change it.
You either need a word "that" or a comma after the word "fact". That would make the sentence look clearer.
It's grammatically wrong. How about saying it as "Due to the fact..." or something like that?
This really left me totally confused. What do you really mean by this? Is it a typo? I guess so!
Grammatically, this looks odd to me. The comma should be replaced by a semi colon and that would make the entire sentence correct.
No need for the "if" there. Remove that and the sentence would be fine.
That's pretty much of the nitpicks for today. There a minor errors here and there but they aren't too much. I do suggest you to proofread your work before you really post it on here.
The story is good and I don't see anything to say regarding it's theme. But yeah! Do try to explain your characters more. Describe their looks, way of thinking and stuff. It will help us to picture everything in our head.
The name "Ae" is odd but it sounds cool and different. Overall, the story is pretty impressive and I loved it.
Keep writing and I hope to review chapter 2 of your story really soon.
Hello Tuesday,pretzelsing here for a review I read this first and I have to say that it's quite entertaining & amusing.
Anyways,let's begin the review,shall we!?
So wait a sec,robots had stolen a ship?Did Marvin help?Also I can't picture a fake wall. Is that like curtains around the room or...??
Your paragraphs are visually too big block I texts and so I think that you need to divide them up more. Remember that one paragraph means one idea. I hope that makes sense and that you can know where to divide it up. If you need any help with that then let me know.
Who's voice groaned?Marvin's or Ae?And then whose voice was harsh?I am kind of confused here.
Ok so here you have three sentences connected with a semicolon. A semicolon only contests only two complete sentences. So maybe break these up??
You have a comma-splice and run-on sentences throughout this chapter and you just need to fix that. Here is how I would write that sentence. ^^
Ae noticed that Marvin had been talking to the machine and asked him where they would be going,.Marvin would groan sadly and march to the corner while Ae shook her head.He never liked the shape of the ship.
All three sentences are separated by a period. Make it look more neat t grammatically correct.
Now onto the general a little but more here:
when Marvin was walking down the hallway to meet Ae,why was Ae telling him to come to the bedroom when he was already walking toward it?This conversation kind of seems useless and so I don't know why you put it there. Is the reason to show that they were bickering or argueing?
Also where can I find the meat/action of this?All that happens here is that Marvin gets called and takes a walk. I feel like this whole chapter is a filler. Even though it is so good you could sum it up into one sentence which proves that it's a filler:
Ae woke Marvin up to go to his bedroom for a mission assignment.
Maybe that example wasn't the most brilliant but you see what I mean?
Overall,this chapter was very well-written (I liked it)and I can't wait to read Chapter 2 and see what happened. I hope that this review helps and if you have any questions then please reply below.
Heya Heyo, Poet here for a review.
This story Is great, especially the part where It was mostly dialogue. It got me curious at the end. Very well done. The only thing is, you misspelled here: "the outside was a slick black,
defecting the moon's shine almost making it glow -->eeriely<-- ." Which is spelled without the third "e." Overall, amazing first chapter! I'm excited to read more. ^.^
May your travels through space and time be merry,
-xJ ❤︎
You have a gift, Tues.
It's just so perfect that I don't can't just review. Well done, Tues! You are just awesome.
Hey Tuesday!!!
(just kidding 
)
Something with the "process" part.... 
not "most"
but it was a cool beginning to the sotry and I look forward to reading more! 
I figure if Im going to catch up to you with these reviews I better get my butt in gear...
So anyways, I AM here for a review and these are just a few nit picky things I thought I would point out to ya!!!
"on the floor with nothing than a blanket, was"
Alrighty, so it should be "nothing more than a blanket" right? I guess I could be overlooking what you were meaning but when I first read it, it sorta just hit me wrong!
"with a towel and a dust lining his pipes." "And *a* dust lining his pipes" :/ just sounds misplaced!!!
"so with all the strength he process into his little metal arms he propped himself up"
Im not sure exactly what you were meaning to say here but take a look at it, you probably will see it right away but it doesnt sound right if you read it aloud...
"He never liked the ship either most since he thought the ship had hated him for what seemed to be inside Marvin’s head."
Should be "mostly"
Alright, so thats all I got in the "help department"
I usually dont read about robots.