Marvin- Chapter 2

April 19, 2015
Novel / Chapter: Science Fiction, General
4 comments (4 reviews)

The fault was the Higgins, planning to blow the planet and making a colony of army ants. The city council of the so planet being destroy voted with it, thinking it was plans to build a hyper-highway through it. The people went into an uproar since the people of the planet wanted a pool the size of Daelouis but were not listened to as the city council would shot people who protested while the Higgins gave warnings throughout the year, as they thought the people of the planet would listen.

Also on the day of the so-called blowing of the planet, was the Grand Collision of the Two Suns. Most people paid thousands, even millions just to watch the two suns, Luther and Yung, to collide when most people rather protest against the blowing or demolition of the planet. Little kids were running around in the Poly-Grass, a field where tiny tots can run and trip without getting into a danger of breaking bones. The adults would watch from the outskirts of the Poly-Grass, drinking cosmic beers and Rye Wine or yelling at their kids, drunkenly telling them to either play nice or they would be going home.

Some of the children would cry since they thought they world would became dark without the suns but their moms would coo by saying that the two suns would going to become one, and would almost become brighter than it was already. The children didn't listen as they would cry about the suns being too bright while the mothers would sigh in an attempt to shut them up; together it was useless. Now the mothers were at the bar, drinking Rye Wine and banging their heads against the table.

Within the few hours of the Grand Collision of the Two Suns, the Higgins were inside their black ship above the planet laughing, about how the planet was stupid and how they had forgot about the destruction. The Higgins were creatures with yellow horns poking out of their rubber heads and they had the most grimly faces with green pimples and black rubber skin; they didn’t like anything with creatures or themselves in the mirror. Higgins loved their planet as much as they loved Grungics Cold Soup but with all the debt that they had to pay to the inter-galaxy president, they knew their planet would be next for destruction.

One of the Higgins Captain tapped a rusty can filled with mystery drink. All of the Higgins turned their heads, squinting.

“Now, I like to say that in three hours Planet Izza will be ours. Now I have a warning for the Floorers since they are the ones who are breaking the planet and taking hostages, which you must only take younger children and weaker males since those people are the only ones that have nothing against the Higgins and/or weapons.”

“What about the females?” One voice asked

“Well, females on Izza they don’t matter. Females, in general, are slaves to the alien kind since they clean, cook and take care of our children. They are worthless to everyone also they think too much and everything they do could be a mistake.

“Take Leslie Huijokia. She made the waterproof hair-dryer. Do I need to say more?” The captain asked as he leaned forward onto his podium while the crowd laughed. He looked down at his musty watch and smiled grimly.

“Almost time for destruction. Floorers, ready?”

A few chair moving and doors closing, a shout came. “Ready!” The captain smiled greedily as he finished his drink, then pushed a button that sent waves to other ships within the radius of their tiny box ship.

Meanwhile, beeping was occurring in a bright red ship while a voice screamed over the intercom as a robot ran, with a sore arm and thought of sleeping.

Comments

Points: 9984
Reviews: 173

Donate

Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:06 pm

donizback wrote a review...

Happy review day, Tues! I am here to review the chapter 2 of your story.
Well, let's not wait any further time and hop into the story and find some nitpicks first.

One thing about this chapter is that it starts all of a sudden. That's not how it should be, you know! It should, somehow, link with the previous chapter. Just something similar. It looks like you started everything from a scratch if I read it from the beginning.

The city council of the so planet being destroy voted with it...

Wait! What?
This sentence is grammatically wrong. "being destroyed" sounds better, right? And what do you mean by the "so planet"? I am sorry. It just left me confused.

since they thought they world would became dark

I am so sure this is a typo, isn't it?

drinking Rye Wine and banging their heads against the table.

Nothing wrong! This just made me laugh so hard. XD

above the planet laughing, about how the planet was stupid

The comma ruined everything. Remove it from there, please.

Now, I like to say that in three hours Planet Izza will be ours.

How about "Now, I'd like to tell you all that, in less than three hours, the planet Izza will be ours."
Does that sound better? I hope so!
I won't correct the later part of it. I hope you can come up with a better dialogue than this one since this one is grammatically weak.

Well, females on Izza they don’t matter.

No no no. That's another grammatical error. Try making it like "The females on Izza doesn't really matter to us." Sort of that stuff.

Take Leslie Huijokia. She made the waterproof hair-dryer

A semicolon instead of the period.

There still remains a few errors which I really don't wanna bring up right now. Again, I'd strongly recommend you to proofread your writings before posting them.

Overall, I loved the concept of your writing this story. It is really cool.
One suggestion! Do try to make your endings full of suspense so that the reader crave for the next chapter. If you are able to do that, you sure can attracts hundreds of readers.

Having said all this, I would sign out from this review. I hope it was helpful and I really hope to read more of your stuff. Good luck and keep writing. You certainly are the best.

Points: 37216
Reviews: 346

Donate

Sun Apr 26, 2015 12:59 pm

View Likes

Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Heya Tuesday, pretzelsing here for a review of this next chapter of your novel. I have silent review day trying to catch up here with some chapters that I haven't reviewed.
Anyways, let's begin, shall we?
Reading this chapter the first time, I actually have no idea how this is related with the previous/last chapter that you wrote. You talked about Marvin on a mission and now you are taking about the destruction of a planet? I don't understand how that could go from here to there. <,<

a pool the size of Daeloui

I don't know what kind of size of pool this is. Maybe be more clear and use human measurements?

The people went into an uproar since the people of the planet wanted a pool the size of Daelouis but were not listened to as the city council would shot people who protested while the Higgins gave warnings throughout the year, as they thought the people of the planet would listen.

Okay so this is one very long,run-on sentence that I would divide up a little bit. What if you made it read like this:

Spoiler! :

I seriated that into three sentences and hope it makes sense.

Most people paid thousands, even millions just to watch the two suns,

Who had a million dollars? Were people really that rich here? It just doesn't seem realistic, because even I can't imagine the amount of money that one million is.

, a field where tiny tots can run and trip without getting into a danger of breaking bones.

Have you ever been around little toddlers? They can break bones anywhere. Unless this field is somehow clothed in magic then this wouldn't work.

“Now, I like to say that in three hours Planet Izza will be ours. ~~Now~~I have a warning for the Floorers

Both of these sentences have repetition since they both start with "now". I would take one out, and in my opinion, the second one.

“What about the females?” One voice asked

I feel like this was days by a female on board of the ship, asking about her " race "and pleading for a companion. Maybe this should be spoken in a feminine voice?

“Well, females on Izza ~~they~~ don’t matter.

The extra " they " isn't needed here.

They are worthless to everyone (,) also they think too much(,) and everything they do could be a mistake.

You need a pair of commas here.

You really enforced anticipation into this chapter, and I was laying on the edge of my bed. This is a tell plot twist, but I have to say that out kind of seems cliche. Aliens or creatures invading another planet, how common is that? (Very common, right?)
At least your is more unique maybe?

Overall, I think that this is to short, and you could make it longer. Think able published books and how long each chapter is? You could, if you would like to do like other authors do and organize your Charles like this:
Marvin-Chapter 2-Part 1
Marvin-Chapter 2-Part 2
That's just a suggestion so give or take it. ^^
Right now, you are doing a lot of telling so I will repeat a golden rule of writing: Show not tell. Be descriptive and really use precise and exact verbs and nouns. Be colorful and incorporate all five senses. Just summer writing advice for you.

Anyways, that's it from me and overall, I got to say that this was a nice transition chapter. Hope that this review helps you improve your writing.
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!

Points: 10184
Reviews: 216

Donate

Mon Apr 20, 2015 4:38 pm

View Likes

kevin25a wrote a review...

I don't usually agree with falconer's reviews, but for once I do. Although I think the story it's self is really good, and I look forward to your next chapters. Your first paragraph had a lot of typos and most of it made no sense. I would also like to mention that nobody would just "forget" they were going to have there planet blown up. People wouldn't forget that kind of thing. Some would stay behind yes, but only the idiots who thought staying behind in protest would matter. Most would evacuate and watch the collision from space.

But other than that good job, I look forward to your next chapter.

Points: 6141
Reviews: 499

Donate

Sun Apr 19, 2015 9:56 pm

View Likes

Que wrote a review...

Hey Tues,
This was a good chapter, and the plot was fine. I just wanted to point out some grammatical errors... >.> I know those are the worst, but here they are:

Also on the day of the so-called blowing of the planet, was also the Grand Collision of the Two Suns.

The second also is redundant.

Little kids were running around in the Poly-Grass, a field where tiny totes can run and trip without getting into a danger of breaking bones.

Did you mean tots? Right now, I'm imagining a bunch of tote bags running around on grass.

The adults would watch from the outskirts of the Poly-Grass, drinking cosmic beers and Rye Wine or yelling at their kids’ drunkenly telling them to either play nice or they would be going home.

I think you meant a comma after kids rather than an apostrophe.

Some of the children would cry since they thought they world would became dark without the suns but their moms would coo by saying that the two suns would going to become one, and would almost become brighter than it was already. The children didn’t listen as they would cry about the suns being too bright while the mothers would sigh in an effect to shut them up; together it was useless.

Use "the" in the part where you say "thought they world would became dark". Also, use become instead of became. Instead of effect, try attempt.

“Now, I like to say that in 3 hours Planet Izza will be ours. Now I have a warning for the Floorers since they are the ones who are breaking the planet and taking hostages, which you must only take younger children and weaker males since those people are the only ones that have nothing against the Higgins and/or weapons.”

You don't need to use now twice. After which, you may consider saying "is that" or else rephrasing that bit. Also, spell out 3 so that it is three.

Other than that, I don't see anything wrong. Good job, I will patiently await more chapters! (or impatiently...)

-Falco

Young Writers Society

Marvin- Chapter 2

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources