When a friend tells you a secret, something which they could trust no one else with, you are naturally expected to keep it, after all promises are promises. However sometimes your trustworthiness can be over estimated and your head can fail your heart. I remember when I failed my friend and did not keep my promise of secrecy. I had expected rage, hate and bitterness but her reaction shocked me to my very soul. Her eyes filled with disappointment, shock and most of all regret. I had laughed and scorned with the crowd but I cried out bitterly inside. Questions flooded my mind: Why? What was I thinking? How? Regret shall always be the most brutal of tormentors.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well, I don't believe I've had to review such a specific paragraph before so this is something a bit new to try and analyze. Before I get into it though I would recommend giving a little more context as to where this is from in the story and what its trying to do because that is important to judging something like this rather than it just standing alone this way.
Now moving into the piece itself, on its own judging it just as sort of the emotional moment its trying to hit, it works but at the same time it doesn't. By that I mean, this is a decent way to sort of have a reveal like this and try and capture the kind of powerful emotion that comes with a moment like this, but also its hard to say if this would overall really have much of an emotional impact unless you had a lot more emotion and buildup to stand behind this. So as far as technically doing what this paragraph wants to goes, I think it works great. So if thats what you want to know I don't think you need to do much more, but if this paragraph really works in the context of the story you need to see if you've got the right weight behind it first.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
If this is the first paragraph that begins a story of the narrator's life, which may have to do with the friend or keeping secrets, this is fine. If you want to tell a story about this secret and about the emotions you felt, then this is not quite as good and needs to be expanded.
Grammatical corrections are in bold:
When a friend tells you a secret, something which they could trust no one else with, you are naturally expected to keep it; after all promises are promises. However sometimes your trustworthiness can be over estimated, and your head can fail your heart. I remember when I failed my friend and did not keep my promise of secrecy. I had expected rage, hate, and bitterness, but her reaction shocked me to my very soul. Her eyes filled with disappointment, shock, and most of all regret. I had laughed and scorned with the crowd, but I cried out bitterly inside. Questions flooded my mind: Why? What was I thinking? How? Regret shall always be the most brutal of tormentors.
As backgroundbob said, it's very hard to judge without context, but I can say that this paragraph, alone, does not make me want to read more. It's cliche and sterotypical. It's overdone and melodramatric.
These types of paragraphs are found often in Victorian literature, but you don't find them much anymore because people don't want to start off with whining; they want a story. Showing is always better then telling.
Start off with an event. Something along the lines of, "Yesterday I told this boy, Tristan, that my best friend in the world, Clara, wasn't my best friend. I told him this because I thought he was cute and because Clara is a dead weight. To make matters worse, I added that she was a poopy head."
Starting off with an event draws the reader in. Adding something unexpected at the end also makes it humorous and keeps the reader reading.
In any case, good luck with your story!
OK - since there's only one paragraph, it's a little hard to judge: context is always useful. But I'll nitpick it as best I can!
There's one too many commas in this sentance: I'd drop the last one, and use a hypen or a colon.I'd change the first two words to "Sometimes, however,"
This sentance is a little awkward, and doesn't have the easy "speaking" tone that narrative should have. Read it out loud, then try writing it down the way you would say it if you were speaking it to someone; "did not" for example, would probably be dropped for "didn't" in real life.
Perhaps the double use of shock is not especially helpful to how the paragraph flows?
Shall is to out of place, to me: "Regrets are" might be better (therefore drop the 'be'); I'd also have this as an entirely seperate paragraph after the rest, just for emphasis.
Well, that's just various little bits I thought might help: hope you're able to use one or more of them.