The Mistakes I’ve Made
In a life as short as mine,
It’s hard to picture,
A story of such decline,
That it is only a blur.
Looking at the footsteps behind,
Me, I spy a crack,
It seems to grind,
Into my past to a’ hack.
Is the past changeable?
Or, like life’s tide,
The stream irreversible,
Is it a locked world beside?
Every step I take,
My heart is ripped,
With the ultimate mistake,
Of doubting the world’s worshipped.
Is sorry an empty phrase?
A wrong turn runs deep,
In the everlasting maze,
Of lost sheep.
Is impossibility on the run for,
The path of forgiveness?
Only the wild in its splendor,
Greets a soul of blackness.
So many tears shed,
Over a few glances.
Such a fragile place I fled,
To come to a land of pikes and lances.
Evil seeded into my soul,
Engulfing my being,
And pushing me into the hole,
With no hope of fleeing.
Oh, the mistakes I’ve made,
The things I bade,
Farewell, forever paid.
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I think the biggest problem with this poem is that, even though the title says what the poem is about... I can't tell what this poem is about. I appraise you for using punctuation--so many people forget--but in some places your punctuation could be fixed. Don't add a comma at every line, add a comma where it makes grammatic sense. Look at your poem as if they weren't in verse:
And, for that matter, what is "a' hack"?Even excluding the punctuation, some lines make no sense, like this one:
I think you should try and figure out what you want to write about, and be sure to focus on it. Keep an eye on your grammar and your clarity. It isn't so bad! It just needs a rewrite, or perhaps some tweaking.
If you need more experience with poetry, I suggest you read some. That is the best way to learn. Longfellow is great.
If you have any questions, or have a comment about something, feel free to PM me.