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12+

Too Long

by TrulyDeviousAngel


Warning: Extra gayness, attemted self-harm, kissing, cringes, etc,. Read at your own risk!

Olivia sat down in her dusty old chair. She picked at the old black leather on the seat, grumbling, "When is she gonna be back...". Looking up at the old window above her desk, she frowned. It was cold and rainy outside, and Elizabeth had been gone for a while. Actually, a bit too long. She was just going to the store to grab a few snacks.

Standing up, Olivia paced around, biting her lower lip. It wasn't like Elizabeth to just straight up not come home. She pulled out her phone and dialed for her lover. No response. She always picked up right away! Olivia clenched her fist, starting to breathe heavily, hoping she was okay.

After a while more of waiting, Olivia started struggling to breathe and she began feeling light-headed. If Elizabeth was going to go somewhere else, she surely would have told her, right? This really wasn't like Elizabeth, to just not answer calls and come home late.

She walked into the kitchen, grabbing a knife and staring at it for a moment. She brought her trembling hand up and placed the knife on her wrist. She was just about to start dragging the blade on her wrist, when the door opened.

"Olivia? I'm home!", Elizabeth's gentle voice rang throughout the house. Olivia immediately dropped the knife and ran to her lover, throwing her arms around her. Elizabeth's eyes widened, "Hey, what's this all about?", She giggled, placing the bags down.

"You had me worried sick! I thought something bad had happened... You came home later than expected, and then you didn't answer the phone..."

"Baby...", Elizabeth smiled softly, "The lines were long, and there was traffic. And, my phone died. There was nothing to be worried about...", She mumbled, pulling Olivia close to her chest.

"Oh...", Olivia sighed. Elizabeth reached her and down and gently pecked her lips.

"Don't worry. I'm here."


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Mon Apr 12, 2021 9:53 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi TrulyDeviousAngel!

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Now I don't know to what extent the warning was necessary for Kissing and Cringes, but nice that you included one. Makes you all the more tempted to read it. :D

"When is she gonna be back..."


This is where I would add a question mark at the end.

What I particularly like is Olivia. You notice how formally she clings to Elizabeth and immediately gets nervous if she doesn't respond to something from her. Also, Olivia comes across as someone who doesn't like it at all when everything goes out of the planned rhythm. She seems a little eager to always be the centre of attention, but still doesn't come across as much as if she were some kind of diva. Through the portrayal of her envy, you can also see a little bit that she might even be narcissistic. You portrayed that very well, even with very little dialogue.

She walked into the kitchen, grabbing a knife and staring at it for a moment. She brought her trembling hand up and placed the knife on her wrist. She was just about to start dragging the blade on her wrist, when the door opened.


That's a very extreme scene where I think you could expand a little bit. What kind of concrete relationship do Olivia and Elizabeth have? How did they meet? To me, it doesn't seem like the first time Olivia has tried to hurt herself in the hopes of getting attention. I would even go so far as to say that if she had hurt herself, and Elizabeth had noticed, Olivia would give her the cold shoulder and just reply "It's nothing." so Elizabeth would feel guilty.

I think the story is already very exciting and it could certainly be expanded into a larger short story. The only point that was a little lacking for me was the appearance of the two, to get a clearer picture of them there.

Mailice.






Alright!



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Fri Apr 09, 2021 7:18 pm
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Oh wow. wow wow wow wow..

If I get this correctly, Olivia was about to kill herself, because.. Elizabeth might've gone somewhere else ? I mean it's not like she ran off with someone else, she really was probably just.. somewhere else. But why ?

Is she like a yandere or something ? except instead of killing other people, she kills herself ?
I'm sorry but I just don't see why she almost killed herself for that. Self harm for the sake of, well, self harm, just doesn't make any sense.

I've never actually harmed myself purposefully, so I'm no expert in the matter, but I'm pretty sure people have other reasons than "oh she went somewhere else", to kill themselves.




"You had me worried sick! I thought something bad had happened... You came home later than expected, and then you didn't answer the phone..." But then in this quote she says she was worried something happened.. so was she going to kill herself because she thought she might've died in a car accident or something ? Maybe. But it's not exactly said in the short. I'm just so very confused by this aspect of the story.

Otherwise for that, this short was poignant, and pretty well written, and if you overlook some details (like the unjustified attempted suicide for me ahem) then there's a really nice flow of emotions in this text. Keep on writing <33






Let me clear some things up... She is clingy. She is scared of losing the people she loves. She feels depressed when without the one she loves. This was technically a vent for me since I have all the same fears as Olivia. And if this were to happen to me in real life, where I was worried about someone I loved who was gone for longer than supposed to be, I would have cut. Why? Because I'm clingy, and I can't live without the one I love. Literally. And no. She was not going to kill herself unless she knew that Elizabeth was gone for sure. She was just going to make one or two cuts. It's, sadly, a coping mechanism for a lot of people. And I was just expressing that. I'm sorry I didn't clarify that sooner.

Thank you,

Angel





ohhh I guess it makes sense. I'm sorry if you feel that way <3




Every really new idea looks crazy at first.
— Alfred North Whitehead