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16+ Language Violence

These Long Five Nights (Chapter 2 - Move)

by TrulyDeviousAngel


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Michael lay down on his bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking. It was 11:27 PM now, and he had to get ready for the night shift soon. He sighed, closing his eyes. What would this shift be like? He shook his head, opening his eyes back up.

He sat up again, turning and placing his feet on the floor. Standing, he walked back into the bathroom. He gazed in the mirror. Still in his uniform, all he had to do was fix his hair. Honestly, he was sort of anxious about the night shift. At his last job where his father owned the company, something bad happened. But now, he couldn’t remember quite what had gone down. He just remembered it was bad… Real bad.

All he remembered from that last job he had was the aftermath. He felt as if he couldn’t move his own body a little after that. It lasted for a few days, and his skin had slowly turned purple over the days, until one day, he puked out something… He forgot just what it was.

But, after that, he was in the hospital for a while. Something was wrong with his organs, and they had to replace pretty much all of them. A little bit after that, he had to do physical therapy to be able to walk on his own again. Now, with this new night shift, he was scared something else bad might happen.

He sighed, crossing his arms, still looking at himself in the mirror. He grabbed the brush, gently combing it through his messy hair until it was nice and neat. Walking back into his room, glancing at his alarm clock. It was 11:34 PM now. As he walked out of his room and into the kitchen, he continued to think about what might happen during his night shift.

Grabbing a box of raisins, he opened it and began eating them one by one. He stared at his TV. He remembered there was this… Show, that he always liked to watch. It was during when he had his old job. He just couldn’t pinpoint what the name of the show was called… Shaking the thought away, he got up and started for the door.

Opening the door, he walked out of his home and walked towards the direction of his job. He stared at the ground, kicking up pebbles and rocks. He was truly terrified of what just might happen he shook his head yet again, and whispered to himself, “I’ll be fine… Everything is going to be fine…”

He looked up, seeing Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria. Gulping, he stepped into the building. He looked around. Everything was so… Different, at night. There were no children running around. His boss wasn’t even here right now. It was so quiet. The animatronics weren’t moving or singing, and it gave him the chills.

Walking to his office, he sat down in the chair and swiveled around in it. He glanced at the time. He made it just in time. It was 11:59 PM. As soon as midnight hit, the phone rang, making him jump. He picked it up and put it on speaker, “Hello, hello?”, the voice said.

Michael tried to say something back, but then the voice said, “Uh, I wanted to record a message for you to help you get settled in on your first night…”, After that, Michael stopped listening much. He only picked up keywords. Then, he froze when he heard this next part, “So, just be aware, the characters do tend to wander a bit. Uh, they’re left on some kind of free-roaming mode at night.”

He froze, standing up, “Oh no…”, He picked up the security camera, almost dropping it. Staring in horror at the screen, Bonnie was gone.

Starting to having a panic attack, Michael sat down in his chair, “Maybe it’ll be okay…”, He whispered quietly, “Everything will be fine…”, He gulped, staring at the cameras. He switched to camera 1B, which switched to the dining area. Seeing Bonnie standing there sent another surge of panic through his body.

He switched back to camera 1A, seeing that neither Freddy or Chica have moved yet. He put the camera down and put his hand on his forhead, breathing heavily. His head span wildly as he sat there, thinking about how much of a huge mistake he had made.

Peeking his head out of the left hallway, a flyer flew down onto his face. He jumped, eyes widened, “Wha-”, He picked up the piece of paper and stared at it. It was just a missing poster. Five children had gone missing a while ago. He couldn’t believe they still had those up there. He stared at the poster for a moment before folding it up and shoving it in his pocket, looking back at the cameras again. When he realized that Bonnie had moved yet again, and into the backstage area, he starting breathing heavily again.

Who knows what would happen to him here. After all, there was animatronics on the loose. Those things were creepy as hell; Who wouldn’t be scared of them. He thought of all the little kids that wanted to go up on stage and play with them and shivered. Ever since he was a kid, he had seen animatronics, since his father built them. After all, his father did own the company.

He wasn’t always scared of animatronics. It was only since that day… That day his brother died. He let out a shaky breath, shaking his head violently, “Focus, Michael, focus…”, He mumbled to himself. He glanced at the time. 1:47 AM. Looking back at the cameras, he noticed Bonnie had moved into the west hallway. He shivered. Bonnie was getting close. Too close.

Looking around his office, Michael was trying to find something that could be used as a stress reliever to calm him down. He starts trying to do breathing exercises, “It’s fine… Everything is fine… They’re just animatronics, you’ll be fine, Michael…”, He mumbled to himself. He popped up the cameras again and saw Bonnie was gone. He switched to the camera next to the door, but he wasn’t there, either. Then, he looked in the storage closet. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw Bonnie standing there.

He whined when Bonnie moved yet again. He glanced at the time. 3:56. He could do this. Just about two more hours. He looked at the cameras again and froze. Bonnie was nowhere to be seen. He moved the cameras down and pressed the light for the door, and froze in horror as Bonnie stared at him from the doorway.


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7 Reviews


Points: 468
Reviews: 7

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Tue Apr 13, 2021 3:59 pm
Otterpop wrote a review...



Leaving it on a cliffhanger? Preposterous!

No, I'm kidding. How could you NOT leave it on a cliffhanger? And a cliffhanger like that as well!

All jokes aside, this seemed like a very different work from the first chapter, though I'm not sure how much time passed between when you wrote the first chapter and the second. You definitely are using some of the right words to keep up the tension. However, the tension breaks a little too frequently by you mentioning things that happened in the past, during the tense scenes. Having some past information revealed at the beginning of the chapter is doable, and you do a good job of giving little bits of information! But there are times to do that, and times not to.

Think of it this way; say you were the nightguard and this was happening. Would information about the past flash through your head? Likely no; you'd be right in the present the whole time. Your heart would race, your eyes would dart back and forth, your mind would be swimming with flight-or-fight apprehension. Think about right there, in that moment. You give some good sparse dialogue and thoughts, but what else is Michael experiencing? What does he see and touch and hear? What does the room or the animatronics look like, or how do they move? Can he even tell with all the panic he's feeling? Sensory information is powerful stuff; use it to your advantage!

Other than that, the scene is still very tense and apprehensive in its own way, and the cliffhanger makes a reader want to read more, to know what happens next. Once again, I hope this isn't too much! I always like to help writers improve their work, and you've definitely got a good basis to start with, so keep up the good work!






Alright, will do! I'll get to work on it right away!



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23 Reviews


Points: 8
Reviews: 23

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Thu Apr 08, 2021 1:26 pm
Ducklinstories wrote a review...



hey hey, Angel! Ducklin here for a quick review, let's get started, shall we?

So first of all I really like your idea of the story to say it short, this story has legs. But there are some things that do need some help.

So I will point out the biggest problem here, I don't know if u ever heard about the show don't tell technique but it's something a lot of writers hear. I have the feeling you tell more than show and by that I mean, I miss some senses and depth. You make more statements that you tell a story at some parts. On youtube, you find a lot of videos that can help you with that.

for the rest, It was a great and exciting story!

keep up the good work and keep on writing,
Greetings
-Ducklin






Alright, thanks! I'll work on that!




Poetry lies its way to the truth.
— John Ciardi