Suicide

Time to try reviewing something other than poetry, now that I drained the Green Room of 0 review poems.

Goodness, this is quite the heavy piece. First off I’d highly recommend changing the parental guidance warnings from nonexistent to 18+ before a mod comes across this and does it for you.

So then, let’s dig in. This is mysterious! I at first assume as most readers would that you’re referring to God due to the capitalized H throughout this piece, especially with the Gabriel namedrop, but then the He turns out to perhaps be a suicidal murderer named Fernando or something instead? But it could still be an unflattering depiction of God, due to how ambiguous you’ve left it. Very intriguing.

Overall, after finishing it and rereading, I am of the opinion that it isn’t about God at all, but rather a man who wanted to be worshipped like a God. Fernando. I also notice now that She is capitalized as well, and I was chasing a red herring earlier.

This seems to be a letter written by a crazed abusive man about a transgender woman he wants to murder for insane reasons, and then he will take his own life. Is that more accurate?

I hope his plan goes awry! May he be in jail and Gabrielly alive come July instead.

There’s some grammatical errors hanging out here. I’ll not waste time discussing them all and just go through each of them right now with a correct alternative provided.

“but He knows how the world weights, it's just heavy as it seems to be, people are a plague” has a comma splice instead of a semicolon or em dash or something and is also missing an “as”.

It should read: “but He knows how the world weights — it's just as heavy as it seems to be, people are a plague” or something like that, with an ellipse or a semicolon also working in place of the em dash I added.

“to be something human, the only things that saves Him from”

Another comma splice, and it should be thing not things. Feelings is plural, but “his feelings” is a collective noun that is singular here.

“”It hurts", He thinks, of course it does, I'm sorry but there's nobody who can help you, you're alone.”

Great line! But it should have the comma inside the quotation marks.

“people Lives aren't that much, so does His.”

The first word should be people’s. The last three are up to you, but they’re wrong right now. Could be “much like His” or “just like His” or a lot of things.

“"I already have his phone number, I know his school", He thinks with a feeling of hope on his guts.“

Again, this should have the comma inside the quotation marks.

“”What did I do wrong to deserve so much pain?", He thought He was enough. "It hurts so much", He thinks once again.”

The first comma doesn’t need to exist, and the second should be inside quotation marks.

Then in a slight instance of a typo, you use “permited” here where you should use permitted.

“but guess you're just like everybody else” should be “but I guess you're just like everybody else”

Then we get to the only part of this piece that isn’t written by Fernando. Exciting! Let’s give it appropriate attention.

I’m not sure what “last shoots” means here. Last shoots of a gun? Last gasps might work better here, or maybe something totally different. You could mean “You did your last bit of damage in the blows you inflicted upon an innocent person.”

If you reply clarifying I can follow up and give further feedback!

Then we have “writring” where it should be writing, though I suppose that could just be a mistake Fernando makes in his emotional state. Similarly we have “at July” which should read “come July” or “in July” or something like that.

Finally, there’s something I wanted to wait to address until the end of this review. If any of this piece has parallels with your real life, please find a counselor or somebody you feel safe talking to about this! (Not an AI.) It’s really important to talk about feelings like this with someone who can help you navigate them.

But perhaps this piece has no parallels with your real life. I would not know.

Very compelling work either way!

Hey, TrueHim! This piece of writing that you published today was quite raw and while I don't understand your exact situation, I understand that kind of pain and anger and just wanting to give in to it. I'm also struggling and just wanted to let you know that as cliché as it sounds, you're not alone and my messages are open if you want to talk. And while I know it's not enough and it won't fix anything, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope we get to see more writing from you and you're always welcome here! (If I ended up misunderstanding I apologize )

You’ve definitely got something real here, and I think that matters. This does not read like you sat down trying to be “edgy” or shocking for the sake of it. It reads like you were trying to drag something genuinely ugly and overwhelming out of yourself and pin it to the page before it swallowed you. That gives the piece a kind of force. It feels raw, obsessive, wounded, angry, humiliated, lonely. None of that feels fake. I never got the sense that you were playing dress-up with darkness. It feels like you meant it.

At the same time, I think the piece is much stronger in feeling than it is yet in craft. Right now it’s almost too direct, in the sense that you say nearly everything at full volume. You explain the pain, then explain it again, then explain the anger, then the betrayal, then the loneliness. After a while, that repetition starts to flatten things out. Not because the emotion is not real, but because the writing is not always shaping that emotion into something sharper. Sometimes the most intense thing you can do is not say it one more time. Sometimes it’s letting one ugly line sit there and do the work.

For me, the weaker part is actually the murder section. Not because it’s “too dark,” but because it’s a little too blunt. It reads more like the page briefly becomes a place to unload revenge than like the piece is transforming that revenge into something deeper or more haunting. I think the real center of this piece is not the stabbing itself. It’s the abandonment. It’s the fixation. It’s the feeling of having built your whole emotional world around one person and then being unable to survive the collapse of that illusion. That is where the piece becomes genuinely sad and unsettling. That’s where it gets interesting. The sections about Gabrielly are more affecting to me than the sections about Gabriel for exactly that reason. When you write, “You were the only friend I permited myself to trust,” that feels like the real wound talking. Same with “Why don’t you accept the love I have for you?” That’s desperate in a way that actually lands. It’s pathetic, but I mean that in the old tragic sense, not as an insult. It feels like somebody who cannot emotionally survive not being chosen. That is much more compelling than the literal act of violence. The violence is the symptom. The dependence and emotional collapse are the heart of the piece.

There is also something smart going on with the shift from “He” to “I.” I don’t know whether you were fully conscious of how effective that is, but it works. Early on it feels like you are trying to narrate yourself from a distance, almost as if saying “He” lets you step outside your own mind and watch it happen. Then by the end that distance breaks down and the voice turns inward. That feels right for a piece like this. It gives it the sense of a mind losing whatever fragile separation it had from itself. I’d honestly lean into that even more if you revise this, because structurally that might be the strongest instinct in the whole thing.

There are also positive elements here that I don’t want to undersell. First, you are not afraid of emotional extremity, and that matters. A lot of people write “dark” material that is actually very safe and performative. Yours isn’t safe. It goes somewhere ugly. Second, you do have a feel for escalation. The piece keeps worsening in a way that feels true to obsession: hurt becomes rage, rage becomes fantasy, fantasy becomes guilt, guilt becomes emptiness, and then it all circles back into grief again. That spiral is real. Third, the ending is memorable. “With love, Fernando” after everything that comes before it is actually a strong ending because it feels warped and intimate and sad all at once. And yes, bananas. If I were giving you actual revision advice, I’d say this: cut more than you think. Especially cut the lines that explain what the reader already understands. Trust the obsession to show itself. Trust the ugliest details of thought more, and trust them in fewer words. Some of your sentences would hit harder if they were half as long. Right now the piece feels like a mind in freefall, which is powerful, but the next step is making that freefall legible as writing rather than just collapse. You do not need more intensity. You already have intensity. What you need is control.

And I do want to say one thing outside the writing itself. If this is just fiction, that’s one conversation. But if this is close to how you actually feel, especially the parts about killing someone or dying by July, then I really think you need to take that seriously off the page too. Tell somebody near you, or contact emergency help or a crisis line right away. That is not me moralizing about the piece. That’s just me saying the feelings in here sound severe enough that I would not brush them off.