Imagine, if you would, a boy, a little scrawny boy, around five years old, scared and standing beside his twin sister, hugging her trembling fragile frame close. He is shielding her, not only from a dangerous situation but, shielding her eyes from seeing something terrible.
Their parents are outside fighting, not only yelling but, throwing bottles at each other and then a punch lands on the strangely alien bodies, neither a "real" parent. Both immature little kids compared to the maturity their children are forced to take on as the chance of a normal childhood disappears when seeing, hearing and experiencing this situation firsthand.
The boy silently cries, trying to look brave and act strong for his sister. Salty tears flow down his cheek and to his lips, he tastes them and the taste sticks with him for years to come, at that time holding his sister he quietly promises himself that he'll be strong for her. But, he can't do it. He finds out he is not strong, but can keep up his facade, for her, his sister.
That is one of the earliest memories of my childhood. The memory is terrible yes, but, it has shaped me for the better, and into who I am. In the end, were they such terrible parents? That decision is up to you.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi Trombone! Happy Review Day.
When it comes to reviewing things that hit close to home with the writer, I like to be a bit more sensitive. However, at the same time, you've also intended for this to be a short story so I will also review it as such. It is important to achieve the happy balance between honouring your memories and honouring the art of short stories. Some of the strongest storytelling does come from personal experience, but the best ones are those that are fleshed out and give the reader a well-rounded picture and/or perspective of these memories.
What you have here are very strong memories; there's no denying it. However, I don't think you've done them justice. Currently, in the shape they're in now, they're just fragments. There's no connection to something greater and there's no fleshed out qualities to them. This is just a flashback transcribed and it is far from being a short story. It's good that you've been able to write the tough memory, but I think it would be a memory much more successfully overcome if you honoured it by beautiful transcribing it into strong, eloquent, and feeling prose. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say here; I'm not dissing it at all – I'm merely remarking that how you've written the memory is not deserving of the deep, emotional contents. There's a lot that you can work with here to craft a beautiful piece.
My suggestion is you give the reader a chance to get to know the family and the siblings. Get to know the neighbourhood and probably the parents' volatile behaviour. You need to give the reader evidence to justify whatever their personal response may be to the last line ("That decision is up to you") of your story. Otherwise, it doesn't pack the punch it should and could. If you add more substance, the reader is more likely to develop a deeper connections to the characters rather than feeling as if they're getting a brief, objective look at some kid's fragmented memories.
Overall, there is so much potential here and therefore I really encourage you to develop this a bit more.
Thanks for the read.
Best,
Lav
Hi- here for a review!
This is a very relatable short story. I can relate to this myself with hiding my little siblings as my parents fight. or even trying to act tough agents my step dad to keep them out of his grasp. This story has great ending sentences, and kids everywhere can find one way to relate or another. This piece made a lot of feelings almost justify as i look back on myself. I didn't spot any grammatical mistakes. Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece!
Hi, here for a review
This is a very common problem kids deal with and a lot of people can relate to this. Acting strong for your loved ones, when really you are breaking apart; we can all relate to this. So well acknowledged. Also, I liked how you mentioned, "The memory is terrible yes, but, it has shaped me for the better, and into who I am." I believe this will give hope to other kids going through the same situation. No grammar mistakes I could find, and nice ending sentence. Nicely done.