Tristessa
I was just sitting on my bed when I felt the wind through the window and I knew it was going to rain. Rain, like my best friend, is either a sun shower or a storm, well not really it does have other types but that’s how I explain my best friend Rayne. Rayne and I met when she moved to my street and we were the best friends at once.
I got up and closed shut my window while locking it, I never lock it, but . . . for some reason I had the feeling I should lock it . . .
I walked into my closet and looked for something to wear. I came out of my closet with my dark blue jeans with my with apple and pear tank top on, looking for my white blouse when I saw in the window, a reflection of a shadow behind me, I turned around, nothing, “odd . . . ” I said silently.
I continued to the back of my door were I grabbed my blouse.
I looked around my room and saw the familiar sights the silver and blue walls and the white carpet my desk with my shelf of trophies, the bookcase, my bed with my teddy bear net over it, my couch and my vanity dresser. I walked over to the mirror and looked into it seeing my dark blue eyes with the usual wide pupils staring back at me, my dark blonde hair was in its usual straight style, my porcelain skin not plagued by acne, how lucky i am.
I walked down the hallway, the silent house made today seem more eerie, not that the house being silent is unusual, my parents are usually at work and my brother is asleep at this hour.
I walked into the kitchen as the phone rang, Rayne of course. I answered the phone on the second ring.
I said, "hello," it was Rayne.
We talked for a good fifteen minutes before I hung up.
I walked to the back door, put on my boots, and stepped out into the dry Pennsylvanian air.
I walked out into the streets and walked to the town’s cafe “Farewell to thy soul”.
I walked to the back corner and looked through their book selections, when I got tapped on the shoulder.
I turned around to see a guy with dark brown hair with subtle red highlights cut layered around his face his dark green eyes looked at me like they could see all truths behind anyone’s soul his build was skinny but I could see a hint of a six-pack under his ac/dc shirt which accented his black jeans he was wearing his sneakers were white and black.
He was saying something but I was distracted by his eyes.
“...books...are you listening?” he said with a deep smooth voice that would make you do anything.
“...oh sorry what were you saying I just blanked there” I said with sincerity.
He laughed and said “I was saying sorry for bothering you but I was trying to grab a book” he pointed to a black cover book.
“Oh sorry, here” I said as I handed him the book.
I am such a dunce, why am I so weird, but he is cute better make conversation.
“So what is that book about?” I asked with true interest
he said “it's about folklore, you know fairy tales”
And we talked in the back corner about folklore and how Pennsylvanian was practically had many stories of things like that.
We had talked for days it felt like when he looked at his watch, Rolex looks like he is well financed or it’s probably a fake.
And he said “I have to get going its pretty late or early since it twelve in the morning”
I looked at the wall clock and saw it truly was twelve “oh well its nice meeting you...” I stopped mid-sentence realizing we had had a conversation for four hours and not even know each other’s name.
He laughed and said “it’s Azul, yours?” He said as he looked into my eyes.
I said like a dog on command “Tristessa, nice to meet you Azul”
He looked at me and said so sweetly like chocolate on his lips “have a goodnight Tristessa, maybe we should talk like this again” and turned and walked away.
I said under my breath “goodbye Azul”
I turned and saw on the bookcase was a book covered in a deep purple with a weird picture on it I picked it up and I suddenly had flashes of a fog and a guy was in the middle, with a black cloak and leather pants on with jet black hair and a very toned body his eyes were as dark as an abyss something anyone can get lost in, he was moving closer to me.
He whispered with the softest voice that could make angels cry and said “I will get my prize soon, Tristessa”
I dropped the book on the ground and shook my head and stared at the purple book.
I walked out into the cold shower of the night and went down the street and rounded a corner when I stopped and slid down the wall and just sat and caught my breath.
I stood after several moments and walked back to my Victorian style house, from the lights the house looked haunted, I walked up to my door and opened the door and took off my wet clothes leaving only my tank top on and my pants desiring not to take them off and threw them into the laundry and walked into my bathroom to have a shower.
I was lying down and relaxing thinking the night’s events over when I drifted off to sleep.
~
Michael
“MICHAEL” Syrian shouted at the limp body in the corner.
The body quickly awakened to see the fire nymph staring angrily at him,
“you know you’re not supposed to mess with the humans” she hissed at him with her usual fiery tone.
Michael looked at the nymph and wondered why he spared that life but instead he grabbed the scrying glass he used to allow the witch a warning of his plans with her but she still has not learned the full potential of her powers.
The nymph was going on about the importance of not interfering with mortals when he felt him, the one he hasn’t yet killed.
How he remembered that night, him and Michael had been battling for hours and then it was the last straw for both when suddenly , as he was about to kill him, no he must not think of that...
~
Azul
Azul watched the mortal’s reaction to the book, he watched her catch her breath after seeing `Him`, “so she wouldn’t accept, yet.
Perfect she will go to me first” he thought to himself.
He stared at her peaceful slumber wanting to enter her dreams to understand her to utmost self, but he knew even allowing her his presence would make her want to know him more.
He sat on her bed looked at her room seeing the freedom she wanted, that only he could give her.
Her family was a torn one, her brother was a high school drop out with a low paying job to which he had to stay home to save from rent, her mother was important in a business she was vice-president to a local chain and always had to stay late, her father worked for the plant and was always coming home late, the mortal was practically free if not for the binds that keep her grounded in such a life.
The morning rays were beginning to show and he had to leave but not before he kissed her forehead and whispered
“good morning Tristessa”.
~
Tristessa
I woke with a start staring at my window, still locked.
I laid back down and saw the time 4:30 am .
“Weird” I thought as I wished for a few more minutes to sleep.
I stretched and then I looked around, suddenly my breath caught there was a purple book on my vanity.
I walked over to the vanity and stared at the book, its leather bindings looked as if they have been through many centuries of use, and the picture was almost vibrant and very clear of its shape.
“This couldn’t be possible, it can’t be possible” I said as i started to quake.
The whole idea that the book in my room after last night “no not possible”
I was sitting on the bed staring at the book when i heard the door slam, my mom and dad must be leaving already, the thought of the book frightened me so i did as i would normally i called Rayne.
She answered on the third ring grumbling that it had better be a good reason to wake her up I explained “I need to talk, now,” she quickly got up and was at my house in minutes.
She was in my room looking at me about to ask why i woke her up and was so freaked out when i just pointed to the book and said “not mine” she looked at me and picked up the book and started to examine it
“nice color purple” she said then she tried to open it.
I don’t know what happened all i know is the next thing i knew Rayne was crying out in pain and rushing to the bathroom i followed her as she put her hand in the cold water the sink was producing
“fuck!” she was in hysterics as i was dumbfounded how could a book cause pain.
After some time cooling her hand off she finally calmed down and i looked at her hand which had a mark now on it.
The design was intricate and the lines contoured her hand and fingers it looked like a tattoo but from the redness of it, it looked like a scar.
As i looked on the scar went down her palm and to her wrist and there is stopped, the swirls and arrows made it look like a maze, i couldn’t stop staring.
Still staring i heard a buzzing sound it wasn’t until i looked up that i noticed Rayne was talking.
“what sorry wasn’t paying attention what did u say” i said as i looked away from her hand.
~
Rayne
" where the fuck did this book come from!" i said as i stared at my newly formed scar.
i felt as though my mind was on over drive, it wasn't possible for a book to create a scar, i sat down and watched Trist blank stare at me.
"what happened, what did u do!" Trist spazzed, she was pacing around her room,
"i don't know i just tried to open it, but I'm not feeling well, I'm going to go home now, I'll call you later.." i mumbled as i left the door
i left her house and walked home, the bright sun was affecting my mind, i was seeing shadows in full light and hearing voices,
i walked into my home, my mom was in the kitchen cooking, she always cooks when she thinks about dad, she never really, really healed since he died in the accident,
my sisters were on the floor of our family room,
i walked past the kitchen into the basement, were my room was,
it was cool and i felt better away from the sun,
i walked past my computer, the screen flashed pictures of me and Trist, my mom and sisters, . . . my dad and me,
i sat down on my pillow top queen-sized bed, the dark green walls were blank no pictures no nothing, i kept my room very empty, nothing to remind me of anything, just blank.
it was hard for my family to get over my dad's accident and i took it worse but when we moved here and then i met Trist, i felt things getting easier, i kept what i felt on the inside and tried to distant myself from my mom she was too, emotional, about the accident.
i laid down on the bed, and closed my eyes.
~
Azul
Azul watched as Tristessa sat at a table in the cafe, using her laptop, searching for a college to go to, see keeps staring at her phone, waiting it seems, for a call?
she looks back to the screen,
he stands and begins to walk by her, hopefully this will make her notice him.
~
Unknown
she looks up and locks eyes with Azul's eyes and she asks him to sit they begin to talk, as a figure in the background stares intently at Tristessa, he says softly "i will have you . . ."
~
Tristessa
Tristessa feels a chill as though she is being watched she looks around but no one, she looks back at Azul,
his hair seems to be more disheveled, he is wearing a leather jacket and a white shirt, his jeans are dark, his shoes also, he is wearing a necklace today, a shark tooth replica,
he seems to be interested in me she thought.
~
Michael
Michael was not happy.
"the witch was supposed to open the book, not her mortal friend, this will complicate things" he sighed.
he moved towards his scrying glass, debating on entering the mortals dream, see how she was handling her new found powers, that's when he felt it, him . . .
he walked down the hall of the abandoned mansion he and Syrian, borrowed, to were Syrian claimed her room,
he opened the double doors to the wide room, white furniture and white walls, very bright, before Syrian of course,
now scorch marks and darkness filled the room,
she was sitting in the middle of the room, playing with a doll she must have found.
"i see you felt him too, its a pity u didn't kill him when u had the chance, now look at us, I'm in the body of this, this mortal, and your enjoying it aren't u?!" she hissed.
he didn't like when she was in these moods,
and he hadn't planned on being in the mortal bodies for long,
though it was true he was enjoying it
the business he had planned to do was, taking longer, then expected
since Azul decided to make an appearance, and The "other" presence wasn't making things easier,
he needed a way in,
he walked back to his room and took the scrying glass.
~
Zepar
Zepar was disoriented this age was difficult,
their was motors and noises he never seen before,
being trapped in the book for centuries, kept him from learning their ways,
he must find the one who freed him, but find some better clothes.
he watched the mortals and their habits and chose one that was harmless and followed him and then he lead him to a secluded spot and took his clothes after he stole his soul, and some of his features,
his would scare mortals.
Zepar learned much from the soul, and decided that his name would be curious so he decided Zepp,
yes Zepp would be innocent enough, and began to sense the one who freed him,
felt her soul calling for him,
just what he liked a willing slave, he smiled.
~
Rayne
Rayne woke to find the house empty and dark,
"how long did i sleep for?" she wondered,
as she sat up in her bed, she felt him. . .
"him what am i talking about how is that even possible.." she thought as she heard movement
"mom?... your him..."
~
Zepar
Zepar stared at Rayne,
she stood and walked to him,
she was pretty, Tan, short with a full body, her short curly hair was multi-colored one white streak ,blue with black underneath, her clothes were as the slang called punk, she wore a blue tank-top with a fishnet shirt over top, she wore black pants with chains and boots, her pretty face was covered with makeup and her piercings on her eyebrow, nose and ears.
She stared up at him and then looked at her scar, "oh...." she gasped.
~
Rayne
Rayne looked at him,
his eyes were dark, he was tall, very tall, he stood with an air of dark,
his dark hair fell just below his eyes, his clothes were stylish, he wore a black dress shirt unbuttoned revealing his 8 pack, his dark jeans were stone washed and he wore dark boots, his hands were in fingerless gloves,
Rayne couldn't resist falling for him, he was danger in all essence.
"my name name is Zepar but call me Zepp, and what shall i call you, for u have freed me and i owe you, my life" he spoke with words that sent Rayne into a dizzy.
"name's Rayne," she said hoping no hint of her lust for him was there.
"lovely Rayne i do thank you for saving me, it was horrible in that book, as for that scar"he took her hand, " i think it suits you" he smiled, a deathly smile.
~
Tristessa
Tristessa was pacing,
she had spent most of the afternoon with Azul, talking, she was distracted by him and when he left, still no call from Rayne,
she was worried it wasn't like her to forget to call, she finally had enough and was reaching for the phone, when it rang,
she picked it up, it was Rayne.
"where are u, are u OK, what happened, why didn't u call!!!"
~
Michael
Michael didn't like the sun it made him squint,
but this needed to be done he had to have the witch,
time was slipping away and he knew if she wasn't choosing his side he would make her.
he walked down the street. . .
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Well hey there Tristessa, and welcome to young writer's
Okay, I'M going to be blunt here; your story needs much work. Thankfully, you've found us and we'll be able to help you through the difficult process of storywriting.
The first point I'd like to mention is the change of viewpoint characters. Stick with one. At least per chapter. This was a very long and tedious read because you never gave us a chance to get to know the characters. You threw them at us and so much happened, so fast!
Why should I care what happens to Tristessa or Rayne or anyone else? We don't get to know them, don't get to love them and therefor really don't care if they suddenly cross the street and get hit by a car. You know what I mean?
This is what we call an info dump. Was it really necessary for us to know about her relationship with Rayne right now? Couldn't you have the girls speaking on the phone or face to face and show us the relationship instead?
That's another point. You'll hear this often on the website and you'll probably say it when you begin reviewing yourself. Show, don't tell. If there's a way for the writer to show us a scene, then do so. Don't tell us about the relationship with Rayne, show it in a scene. Throw them together, talking and laughing about something. It'll show us there close relationship and will give us some insight about them personally. (think of when you're hanging out with your friends. Do you have a best friend? Take the feelings you have for her/him and write them down. Integrate them to the scene).
Show don't tell also works for the first part of this quote. Nobody just sits on their bed, doing nothing. You might be staring unseeingly at the wall, but your mind is spinning furiously. What was she doing, sitting there? And what was the smell that invoked the rain for her? Describe that!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't Tristessa speaking, it's you, the writer. You're telling us instead of showing us. When you write in the first person, you plug us readers directly into your MC's brain (main character) which means that we have instant access to her thoughts and feelings. Describe the feeling she has hear about the window. Have her hesitate, her fingers brushing the latch, her body humming in tune with the beating rain outside, her something. Show us her hesitation. Maybe have her turn from the window, then run back and slap the lock into place. Don't just tell us that she doesn't usually lock it...
Another info dump. If it isn't necessary for us to know this, don't describe. You have to be more subtil than that. If your MC has a feeling she isn't coming back, or for sentimentality reasons, she looks back, then fine. If not, cut it out and instead have someone else describe her in a subtil way.
Your MC's actions are mechanical. She did this, thought that, saw this, punched that. Give us some thoughts, feelings! You have to keep in mind that each scene, each action, each word or thought has to be written to advance the story. What was the point of Rayne calling? You could have used this conversation for the purpose I mentionned earlier but right here, right now? It was useless. Especially since you didn't show us what the conversation was about. Reread your work. If you wrote that for the sake of writing something down, then cut it.
Now, how old is she? She's in an empty house, her brother is sleeping, her parents are working. So, it's late? Why would she go out when rain's coming? Did she feel compelled to? Did she absolutely have to go out at that time? Explain to us so we can understand!
Why is it important to know his shoes are black and white? My guess is that it isn't. So cut it.
Ok, I'm not going any further with this review because going at it line by line will last all day. Everything I wrote applies to the whole story, not simply chapter one. Go over it, cut what's non-essential. Describe thoughts and feelings. Show us, don't tell us. Don't simply give your characters a few lines here and there. Give us some material to work with.
All that being said, your story was intriguing. You're building an interesting world and once this has been edited, I'd love to go back and reread it. Would you PM me?
Hope this review helped, it's only meant as constructive critism, which is what this website is about.
Keep writing!
Tanya
Hullo there, TristessaAbsinthe! Welcome to YWS!
Nitpicking first, then I'll talk about the whole impression that I had when reading your story, okay? I'm sorry if I seem too harsh. =]
So you're introducing your best friend. Would you really just say that she's like a sun shower or storm and that you two were best friends ever since she moved to your street? Write more. We want to know how much of a friend she really is to your main character. It's pretty relevant to your story --- she is her best friend, not just any other friend.
Firstly, there are too many "locks" in the first sentence. It's too repetitive, and it only makes the sentense awkward. Try rewriting it.
Secondly, one cannot say things silently, if you know what I mean. You can either make mental notes in your head, or you can say your thoughts out loud.
Infodump alert!
Another infordump! Also, please put punctuation between sentences --- it would make the whole paragraph much easier to comprehend.
I assume it's Trist's thoughts! Please put sentences in italics when you're writing about the person's thoughts.
It's "he said as he looked into my eyes". Odd, isn't it? Here's an article about dialogue punctuation.
Wait a moment --- it's just twelve in the morning, right? Why is it suddenly evening? You just talked for four hours, right? (Also, I think it would be better if you told us what they said to each other. People love to see how characters interact.)
I think you should write about her vision more --- it is essential to what she feels about her situation (her being a witch but doesn't know, I assume).
I'm sorry, but I'm not sure of what you mean in this paragraph. Maybe rewriting these few sentences would make this more clear.
Thoughts in italics, please.
Infodump.
Please don't write "u" instead of "you". It's just not... proper.
Infodump again!
You gave us a lot of information about our heroines in this chapter --- it's a novel or a novella, right? --- and to be honest with you, I think you could have written and expanded it more to its full potential. By just putting blocks and blocks of information, you're kind of blocking us readers to have a chance to fully immerse ourselves in this story. Since it's in first person (well, some of it, anyway), we should be able to hear, to see, to feel, to sense what the character is feeling. You should describe what they sense instead of telling us what they ought to be feeling. Show us what they're feeling --- you can slip in the information about their families and loves and likes in their dialogue, in their actions, in their thoughts instead of putting huge chunks right in the middle of the story. It will only stop the flow of the whole story, so try cutting the infodumps all up and write about their actions instead. Here is an article which talks about avoiding infodumps --- showing and telling.
Also, there are some spelling and grammatical mistakes in this story! Remember, spellcheck is you best friend as a writer. Always --- and I mean always --- run through your work through a word processor.
Anyways, I thought this story was very interesting! I'm curious about how Trist confronts her unknown powers. Keep writing, and I'm sure it could become an epic story!
~iceprincess =]