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The Crate Episode 1

by Tristanght


It's heavy, it's cold, and it's uncomfortable. I feel guilty holding it, and I feel like a murderer. I'm holding a gun, and I just got out of school. Breathing heavy, I undid the safety feature with my thumb. The room shook with fright.

"F-f-freeze!" I squieled. My entire body shook. I'm glad my mom's not watching.

No! Don't think about her right now! You've gotta do this without looking like a baby. I swallowed a lump in my throat.

The men around me turned around. I seemed to shrink. One of them stepped closer, causing me to jump. I pointed towards him. He froze.

"Watch it kid, just put down the gun, and we won't hurt you." he said. I wanted to say, "Not gunna happen!" or, "You not in the situation to be making deals." but something held me back. I felt a trickle of sweat run down my ear. It went in, causing me to feel awkward.

He stepped closer. I threatened him by inching the gun closer to him. He stopped in his tracks. Then a woman shrieked, we all jumped. In all the confusion, the man jumped on me and tried to strip the gun out of my hands, but i held firm. Panicked, I pulled the trigger.


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Thu Nov 22, 2007 6:57 am
J. Wilder says...



I like it, but you switch back and forth between tenses--choose one. Also there are a couple typos. But it's interesting and I like the voice of the character. Post more.




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Wed Nov 21, 2007 4:49 pm
Buddha wrote a review...



I thought it was pretty good. I liked the style of writing (I'm a biggie on writing style) and although there are some spelling errors I liked how you really described the tension in the room. I would appreciate a little more about what's happening though. It's all very confusing.




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Sun Nov 18, 2007 3:56 am
joec wrote a review...



Tristanght wrote:It's heavy, it's cold, and it's uncomfortable. I feel guilty holding it, and I feel like a murderer. I'm holding a gun, and I just got out of school. Breathing heavy, I undid the safety feature with my thumb. The room shook with fright.


You could have just written something like this instead: "I feel guilty holding it, like a murdered." it makes the text feel repetitive if you continually use pronoun-verb beginnings.

Tristanght wrote:"F-f-freeze!" I squieled. My entire body shook. I'm glad my mom's not watching.

No! Don't think about her right now! You've gotta do this without looking like a baby. I swallowed a lump in my throat.

The men around me turned around. I seemed to shrink. One of them stepped closer, causing me to jump. I pointed towards him. He froze.

"Watch it kid, just put down the gun, and we won't hurt you." he said. I wanted to say, "Not gunna happen!" or, "You not in the situation to be making deals." but something held me back. I felt a trickle of sweat run down my ear. It went in, causing me to feel awkward.


'You've gotta do this without looking like a baby' you've=you have
Instead of writing 'you've', why not just 'you'?

Tristanght wrote:He stepped closer. I threatened him by inching the gun closer to him. He stopped in his tracks. Then a woman shrieked, we all jumped. In all the confusion, the man jumped on me and tried to strip the gun out of my hands, but i held firm. Panicked, I pulled the trigger.


I do not think you are supposed to start a sentence with 'Then'. It is a subordinate clause that needs to be a part of the main clause to form a complete sentence.

You still have a lot of grammatical errors, and you really should do spellcheck on your works, but you are getting better.

Keep on writing!

---
Joe




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Sat Nov 17, 2007 1:16 am
Truly_Alone8 wrote a review...



O-okay. There were some spelling mistakes in there, so I'd check it over again. But it was really interesting... I'd like to know why the kid was holding the gun. Adding a little more description into it would improve the intensity and feel. Also, you could explain where the kid was and a little more on how he got there-- that would pull the reader into the quick ending a lot better. I don't have a lot more advice. Continue, please, for this is way too short.




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Fri Nov 16, 2007 11:59 pm
Tristanght says...



The title comes in later in the story.





Stay gold, Ponyboy.
— S.E. Hinton