It's heavy, it's cold, and it's uncomfortable. I feel guilty holding it, and I feel like a murderer. I'm holding a gun, and I just got out of school. Breathing heavy, I undid the safety feature with my thumb. The room shook with fright.
"F-f-freeze!" I squieled. My entire body shook. I'm glad my mom's not watching.
No! Don't think about her right now! You've gotta do this without looking like a baby. I swallowed a lump in my throat.
The men around me turned around. I seemed to shrink. One of them stepped closer, causing me to jump. I pointed towards him. He froze.
"Watch it kid, just put down the gun, and we won't hurt you." he said. I wanted to say, "Not gunna happen!" or, "You not in the situation to be making deals." but something held me back. I felt a trickle of sweat run down my ear. It went in, causing me to feel awkward.
He stepped closer. I threatened him by inching the gun closer to him. He stopped in his tracks. Then a woman shrieked, we all jumped. In all the confusion, the man jumped on me and tried to strip the gun out of my hands, but i held firm. Panicked, I pulled the trigger.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
For some reason, I did not expect the story to end like that after reading the title. I am still not sure what the connection is or if the title is supposed to represent something bigger and deeper, but this story took me by surprise in more than one ways.
I liked the tension that you have managed to capture through your fast-paced narration. Your short sentences emphasize the gravity of the moment and translates the panic that we are supposed to feel. There was an eerie calmness about the narration, a confusing nonchalance about the way the narrator narrated, as if he was simply stating facts. That added a certain amount of paranoia to the moment as we could not understand exactly what and who we are dealing with here.
While your story was rather intriguing, it was still very confusing. I absolutely love reading flash-fictions, but I felt like this one lacked the content to really pull us in. You are presenting us with something serious and meaningful here and yet it absolutely misses the mark because of the lack of context. We don't know the narrator. We don't know his story or what led him to that moment. As a result it gets difficult to feel engaged and it just ends up as a little confusing.
I think what you can do here is experiment with the narration a little. While your short sentences are impactful at times, they get monotonous very soon and it is no longer interesting. The lack of any emotion in the narration makes it difficult for us to empathize or feeling anything for the narrator or the story in its entirety. Maybe build up the tension, give us a look into the narrator's psyche, help us understand his motivations. Otherwise, the story feels a little flat and we are left unsure about what we are supposed to take from it.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
I like it, but you switch back and forth between tenses--choose one. Also there are a couple typos. But it's interesting and I like the voice of the character. Post more.
I thought it was pretty good. I liked the style of writing (I'm a biggie on writing style) and although there are some spelling errors I liked how you really described the tension in the room. I would appreciate a little more about what's happening though. It's all very confusing.
You could have just written something like this instead: "I feel guilty holding it, like a murdered." it makes the text feel repetitive if you continually use pronoun-verb beginnings.
'You've gotta do this without looking like a baby' you've=you have
Instead of writing 'you've', why not just 'you'?
I do not think you are supposed to start a sentence with 'Then'. It is a subordinate clause that needs to be a part of the main clause to form a complete sentence.
You still have a lot of grammatical errors, and you really should do spellcheck on your works, but you are getting better.
Keep on writing!
---
Joe
O-okay. There were some spelling mistakes in there, so I'd check it over again. But it was really interesting... I'd like to know why the kid was holding the gun. Adding a little more description into it would improve the intensity and feel. Also, you could explain where the kid was and a little more on how he got there-- that would pull the reader into the quick ending a lot better. I don't have a lot more advice. Continue, please, for this is way too short.
The title comes in later in the story.