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Sword Fighting with Comedy

by Tristanght


The black soldier winked. I grinned as he helped me back up. The entire crowd wasn't suprised by a thing, as if they knew it would happen, exept for one man.

"Why'd you stop fighting?" he asked. Black soldier and i excanged glances. We found him. Black soldier nodded at the soldier standing next to him, he grinned. I looked away becouse i had a feeling i knew what he was going to do. I heard a grotesque ripping sound that i would never forget, when i looked back, the spy was lying on the ground with a sword through his back.

"That's better." the man said in a low, grumbly voice. Black soldier shook my hand.

"With him out of the way we can talk for real, why did they send you?"

"To kill you." I imagined myself back at the castle entrance. A river divided the land from the castle. A wooden door acted as a bridge. The King was on horseback surrounded by guards and bishops. Or were the guards on horesback? No. It was definetly him on horseback. No wait... i can't remember, I got bored and decided not to flashback.

One of the soldiers stepped forward, "So... what now?" I hadn't thought about that. We all looked at each other, confused. We looked at our surroundings. We were in the middle of the desert with no trees, no water, no landmarks.

"How did we even get here?" one soldier said.

"I dunno."

"And why here? Why did we have to meet in the middle of nowhere? I mean, why couldn't we meet at our base?" we all looked lost and confused. Why couldn't i have thought about that?

"And why did we bring our entire army in the first place? For all we know, our base could be under attack right now, with no army to defend." We were all silent for what seemed like an hour. After that, people started randomly blaming each other for this. Eventually it started into childish namecalling.

"It's all your fault, dumbo!"

"Oh yeah? Well you're...you're a...pooface!"

"Oh God, we're gonna be here a while." said black soldier.


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Points: 890
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Mon Nov 19, 2007 1:48 am
Eric511 wrote a review...



That was pretty interesting. I do agree with Joec that you should spell check it. The other thing that I would say needs help is detail. You should explain the beginning a bit more. I got sort of confused on what was happening. I also got confused on the setting. Possibly explain that a bit more to. The ending was different. Complete change of mind. Maybe make it less childish names. Make them seem their age. The ending does make me want to read on so good hook you know.




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Sun Nov 18, 2007 4:57 pm
joec wrote a review...



cat4prowl wrote:ha i like the way youre alll oh no im gonna die and then hey buddy whats up good job i still think you could go into a little more detail but i like this, keep going


THAT, I have to say, is the worst review I have ever seen! You need to learn how to use the punctuation system! Have you ever heard of a comma? Or a capital letter in the beginning of a sentence?

Now, let me get back to the reviewing:

Tristanght wrote:The black soldier winked. I grinned as he helped me back up. The entire crowd wasn't suprised by a thing, as if they knew it would happen, exept for one man.
"Why'd you stop fighting?" he asked. Black soldier and i excanged glances. We found him. Black soldier nodded at the soldier standing next to him, he grinned. I looked away becouse i had a feeling i knew what he was going to do. I heard a grotesque ripping sound that i would never forget, when i looked back, the spy was lying on the ground with a sword through his back.


My God! Please spell check! You have a lot of misspelled words just because of it either being rushed, you can't spell, or some other reason. Please, get some kind of spell check software, it will at least do something about your spelling...



Tristanght wrote:"That's better." the man said in a low, grumbly voice. Black soldier shook my hand.
"With him out of the way we can talk for real, why did they send you?"
"To kill you." I imagined myself back at the castle entrance. A river divided the land from the castle. A wooden door acted as a bridge. The King was on horseback surrounded by guards and bishops. Or were the guards on horesback? No. It was definetly him on horseback. No wait... i can't remember, I got bored and decided not to flashback.


I must ask you something about one of the lines: "A wooden door acted as a bridge." how is that possible? Do you mean a drawbridge like the ones medieval castles often had?

The part where the main character, at least I am assuming that he is since he is the narrator, is too lazy to do the flashback is quite annoying. The description given in the part where the flashback begun is repetitive and, once again, did not have the proper punctuation, or a capitalized 'I'.

Tristanght wrote:One of the soldiers stepped forward, "So... what now?" I hadn't thought about that. We all looked at each other, confused. We looked at our surroundings. We were in the middle of the desert with no trees, no water, no landmarks.
"How did we even get here?" one soldier said.
"I dunno."
"And why here? Why did we have to meet in the middle of nowhere? I mean, why couldn't we meet at our base?" we all looked lost and confused. Why couldn't i have thought about that?
"And why did we bring our entire army in the first place? For all we know, our base could be under attack right now, with no army to defend." We were all silent for what seemed like an hour. After that, people started randomly blaming each other for this. Eventually it started into childish namecalling.
"It's all your fault, dumbo!"
"Oh yeah? Well you're...you're a...pooface!"
"Oh God, we're gonna be here a while." said black soldier.


This part is not as humorous as I think you wanted it to be, instead it is reduced to grown men calling each other names a child would not think of. I do not quite see the necessity of them going through all that trouble, and leaving their castle, base, or whatever it was, unguarded while trying to apprehend one little spy. the spy in this fiction did not seem to be a very good spy at that since he could not get the information that it was a setup when everyone else knew it was.

Sorry if I seem to be an annoying woman. I am just meaning it as constructive criticism, and if you feel offended by it, I apologize. 8)

Well, good luck with your writing, just remember to spell check. :D

---
Joe




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Fri Nov 16, 2007 2:54 am
cat4prowl says...



ha i like the way youre alll oh no im gonna die and then hey buddy whats up good job i still think you could go into a little more detail but i like this, keep going





If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
— Mark Twain