Young Writers Society

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

So this was a quite a confusing story. I did not really get what you were trying to present here and going through the other reviews, I have realized that its not just me; your other readers have had trouble understanding your narration as well.

At the base core, the story is just a short confusing scene between two parties who have no idea what has happened or why. It did give off a little chaotic energy at times and I think you succeeded very well in confusing your readers with your vague narration. I am going to assume that you intentionally put so many gaps in the narration to paint a shady picture in the reader's mind because I really can't believe that the narrator was too bored to provide the necessary plot points.

Okay, firstly, you need to include some kind of descriptions here and you have to be more clear in your narration. Otherwise, its really difficult to understand what is going on. We do not have any background on this world or its characters. We do not know why the black soldier is called the 'black soldier' or what they were doing in the first place. However, instead of explaining these things, you simply move on with the narration in a way that your readers cannot formulate a clear opinion about the story. There are these big gaps in your narration that your readers need to fill with context on their own in order to keep up with the fast pace of the story.

The main part of the story where most of the humor was supposed to be, ends up as a miss as well, because your readers don't have enough content to actually realize what is so funny about this entire situation. To them, everything is just pure confusion and unless you manage to stitch those gaps I mentioned, they will continue to find plot where there isn't one. And it destroys the very essence of the story and we end up wondering what it was supposed to be in the first place.

Overall, I believe that this story holds potential but its is seriously lacking in several departments. You really need to take another look at it and decide exactly where you want to take it. Once the picture is clear in your mind, you can start to paint it with words so that the readers can visualize and imagine and actually engage themselves in the story. Otherwise, we just end up missing the 'comedy' that we were promised in the title of the story.

Keep writing and have a great day!

That was pretty interesting. I do agree with Joec that you should spell check it. The other thing that I would say needs help is detail. You should explain the beginning a bit more. I got sort of confused on what was happening. I also got confused on the setting. Possibly explain that a bit more to. The ending was different. Complete change of mind. Maybe make it less childish names. Make them seem their age. The ending does make me want to read on so good hook you know.

cat4prowl wrote:ha i like the way youre alll oh no im gonna die and then hey buddy whats up good job i still think you could go into a little more detail but i like this, keep going

Tristanght wrote:The black soldier winked. I grinned as he helped me back up. The entire crowd wasn't suprised by a thing, as if they knew it would happen, exept for one man.
"Why'd you stop fighting?" he asked. Black soldier and i excanged glances. We found him. Black soldier nodded at the soldier standing next to him, he grinned. I looked away becouse i had a feeling i knew what he was going to do. I heard a grotesque ripping sound that i would never forget, when i looked back, the spy was lying on the ground with a sword through his back.

Tristanght wrote:"That's better." the man said in a low, grumbly voice. Black soldier shook my hand.
"With him out of the way we can talk for real, why did they send you?"
"To kill you." I imagined myself back at the castle entrance. A river divided the land from the castle. A wooden door acted as a bridge. The King was on horseback surrounded by guards and bishops. Or were the guards on horesback? No. It was definetly him on horseback. No wait... i can't remember, I got bored and decided not to flashback.

Tristanght wrote:One of the soldiers stepped forward, "So... what now?" I hadn't thought about that. We all looked at each other, confused. We looked at our surroundings. We were in the middle of the desert with no trees, no water, no landmarks.
"How did we even get here?" one soldier said.
"I dunno."
"And why here? Why did we have to meet in the middle of nowhere? I mean, why couldn't we meet at our base?" we all looked lost and confused. Why couldn't i have thought about that?
"And why did we bring our entire army in the first place? For all we know, our base could be under attack right now, with no army to defend." We were all silent for what seemed like an hour. After that, people started randomly blaming each other for this. Eventually it started into childish namecalling.
"It's all your fault, dumbo!"
"Oh yeah? Well you're...you're a...pooface!"
"Oh God, we're gonna be here a while." said black soldier.

ha i like the way youre alll oh no im gonna die and then hey buddy whats up good job i still think you could go into a little more detail but i like this, keep going