Published May 7, 2011
Something bothers me about this piece, but overall I'm happy with it. Constructive criticism please!
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141,462 Literary Works • 674,481 Reviews
To all of you, first of all: Thank you very much for reviewing this poem, I appreciate it very much.
The punctuation is indeed the off, thanks for pointing that out.
I think the thing that bothers me is mostly that which you pointed out in your review, it starts of strong and kind of burns out in the second stanza.
Thank you all for the kind words and the criticism, I appreciate it very much.
Kay so, I saw that you were looking for some constructive criticism so hopefully this review will be sufficient!
And might I start off with; are you mad? Not that I'm complaining about the piece or anything, but what seems off to you? Its got imagery, poetic device, and the whole topic is rather vivid. I don't see much 'off' with this poem in any case, but maybe thats just me xD.
But everything can be refined! Even Shakespeare could have used an editor ;D.
What I think threw me off about this poem was that you started off strong. I mean every gun was pulled out. You used a lovely style of wording and your vocabulary was exquisite. The dark, almost sin city tone I get from this give me chills, especially reading it through the third or forth time. But, I digress. What I really wanted to point out here is that you give this amazing first stanza and then you kind of just... stop. The second stanza was sloppy. You started talking about the girls actions but, when you wrote, it was almost as if it were a mere relaying of events. There was no imagery of putrid smoke of the crimson lips. Just straight on wording, unlike the first stanza.
So, what I'm going to say is flesh it up! Give some vivid in that second stanza instead of the bland sort of relaying. Show us with a flow of words. I want to see this sparkle.
Of course, that wasn't really a big enough reason for me to think the poem in itself was off. It was an interesting poem. Highly intelligent, I found, and all around well worded. I suspect you're a practicing poet, in any case, unlike myself xD. I write on a lark, hence why my stuff tends to be rather... lacking that je ne sais quoi? All I can really say is that with you, you seem to have your... well you know what you're doing and thats pretty cool.
So not much on the critiquing panel from me. Maybe not space it in the middle? I find I like reading poems a little more when they are all aligned on the left side, but that could just be me xD.
Either way, I loved it and I hope to see more of your work!
~Walker
At first i did not know what this poem was about until near the end of it. But I think it was well put together, and I just love the imagery and diction.
Mostly punctuation.
I love the last line the best. Great poem!
Something bothers me about this poem as well. It seems as though it is more surreal than it should be. From the first stanza to the second the transition seems off. I understand the transition, but it is a bit confusing. I would clarify.
this should be in quotes. Just a little grammar thing. Good job overall though.Also