Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
This work was copied from "My Aunt Gold Teeth" by V. S. Naipaul. To read it, please visit:
http://www.theparisreview.org/fiction/4803/my-aunt-gold-teeth-v-s-naipaul
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hi Trinidian!
The first line is so important to any story, I think this would flow better if you reworded the last part. Maybe something like, ‘I never knew her real name, and although it is quite likely that she did have one, I never heard her called anything by Gold Teeth’. Though it still feels a bit odd that you need to clarify that she probably did have a real name—having a real name is such an obvious thing, it would only be worthwhile commenting if she didn’t have one.
The repetition of ‘Hindu’ disrupts the flow.
A long dash (—) would be better than that last comma.
Nothing so far has given that impression, and saying that it has feels like you were thinking that but forgot to tell us.
Why? It seems an odd thing to be interested in. Consider adding an explanation.
‘Somewhat’ weakens this sentence.
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This was excellently written. I love the bland, dry tone and the gentle but strong pace of the narrative. There were just a few places where the prose slipped a little, and I’ve pointed those out. Your punctuation was a bit shaky, but it’s annoying having a review full of missed commas, so if you go back and do a thorough proof-read, you should be able to spot them for yourself.
There were a few things that I’m not sure about. First off—how are we meant to feel about Gold Teeth? The blandness of the narrative voice is really good, and I really like it, but it’s lacking in emotion, so I don’t know how I’m meant to react to what happens. I’m not a Hindu, so Gold Teeth’s dabbling in Christianity doesn’t mean anything to me, and I don’t really know how the narrator feels about it, or about her. I’m also not sure why it’s told through the viewpoint of the nephew. Why not third-person? The nephew is absent for most of the story, and their presence doesn’t add a huge amount, so I’m not sure if I’m missing some vital reason why he’s there.
Linking with the lack of emotion—how am I meant to feel about the story overall? The ending feels a bit flat, or like I’m missing the great meaning that will explain everything. I mean, I get what it’s about, but the ending just makes me feel like I’m missing something.
PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
I absolutely love your writing style. Seriously, wow. Tiny gramatical errors, but nothing huge. I'm thoroughly impressed. Just, wow. The best thing I could say is to proof-read and edit. You're nearly golden.
Hi there, Trinidian welcome to YWS!So here I am to make my review on your story.
First of all,I noticed here that you really have a talent in writing.I simply like the way you describe your aunt which is happy in her life even though she married in early age.She is married to a rich man and then turned her teeth with gold teeth so that people will notice her.
Also that kinda funny when you describe your aunt like in this lines:
#Even without her gold teeth my aunt would have been noticeable. She was short, scarcely five foot, and she was fat, horribly, monstrously fat. If you saw her in silhouette you would have found it difficult to know whether she was facing you or whether she was looking sideways.--I really enjoyed read this!
Overall,you have a good story here that you want to point it out at the last paragraph:
#That evening Gold Teeth ritually destroyed every reminder of Christianity in the house.
"You have only yourself to blame," my grandmother said, "if you have no children now to look after you."--It something we need to take as a lesson here.
However,there is a little grammatical errors here,that you should fix it to make this awesome story turn to a perfect one.
Anyway,it a good job!Kudos!Don't forget to give reviews too here in YWS.
~NightWalker.