Published March 15, 2009
The booming and banging of that horrible night,
The loud and disturbing noises gave me such a fright
Why mommy, why daddy? Why do you have to fight?
I’m hiding in room, trying to escape the noises, trying to get away.
Away.
Faraway. As far away as my favorite dream.
My favorite dream.
Im in my bed just waking up on my birthday, mom comes in with my favorite cake.
Double chocolate with a fluffy creamy filling. Dad comes in and hugs mom, hugs me.
They’re laughing, and I’m laughing, how can this be? Then I wake up and remember it’s only a dream
I m sitting up in my bed now, crying about what could have been and what should have been. But it is not. I guess life isn’t fair. Dad hitting mom, mom threatening to call the police if dad doesn’t stop abusing her and me. Its kind of funny in an ironic way, people taking everything for granted, their happy little dinners. When what do I get? A very bloody knuckle sandwich
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,778 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I love this poem, it was so beautifully tragic.
I'm really unsure on the format and style, its very broke which actually relates to the characters feelings, a clever thing to do.
The repitition used and the alliterations were well placed, and helped the poem flow amazingly.
There are a few grammar errors, but nothing fatal.
Overall, great poem.
The theme reminds me of books i've read. With the main character confused at whats going on. saddened by reality. confused by the fake smiles and laughter.
I noticed one mistake, you wrote "hiding in room" did you mean to write "hiding in MY room"?
otherwise, an overall great expression of feelings.
See trinity!!! I told you this was a good poem!! That just goes to show that you should trust me when i recomend BOOKS (i told you so!!!) as well when in saw that i like something that you wrote. and once again I TOLD YOU SO THAT A GREAT AND TERRIBLE BEAUTY WAS AH-MAZING!!!! Ya!
Wow. That was truly heart-touching; which is exactly what a true poem needs. It needs to reach out to others, tell them how you feel with words, the words that can leave an impression on the world. OK, what I just said was pretty deep too, but we aren't focusing on that.
I would break this up a little more. This can become three lines! (If you want). Here is what I would do;
Why mommy,
why daddy;
why do you have to fight?
Yet, you are not me, so it is your decision.
Actually, this whole story isn't written correctly. It is written more like a short story with a poetic touch, not a Narrative Poem. I would consider moving it to non- fiction, or fiction, or one of the Story Forums, not poetry. Or, you could make it more like a poem. I don't know, this is just me. For all I know, this could be a style of poetry and I don't even know it. Anyway, it was beautiful , in the extremely sad way. I loved the written emotions and questions, as if you were speaking to your parents also. I don't know if this is real or not, but whether it is or not, this poem was wonderful and oh-so-sad.
[spoiler]9/10 Not because it was bad... it just didn't seem like a poem. Trust me, I loved it though![/spoiler]
Loved it
It's a heart breaker though.
The only problem was with the I'm near the end but someone has already touched bases on that one.
I liked how the last line sort of just kept going a little.
Interesting and touching story line.
i hart this!!!! i mean cause well its me. its kinda sad too. but im happy its not about you!!!! right??right??right??? or is it?? omg is it?? well anyways i liked it so like. . . .ya. IM BOOORED. WELL IM LEAVING NOW BYYYE BYYYE!!!
i love it but holy crap depressing you should write more poems!!!
Wow! Hello! I'm Colt. Your poem was tragically great!
I don't know if it is free verse or not, but the format is weird and distracting.
There was alliteration and repetition, along with rhyming! Those are the key things to making poems flow! Good job, not many poems here rhyme much *sniffle*
There's even parallel structure.
There are a few grammar errors, but it wasn't excessive, just mostly with apostrophes.
I would check the lines length and match them up.
Overall it was okay. Bravo!
-Colt
Hi Trin! I'm June, welcome to YWS!
.
Such a sad poem, dear! I hope this isn't based on a real-life event.
Let's get to work on this
•The proper contraction for "I am" is I'm. You need to include the apostrophe to indicate that a letter was eliminated, dear.
You start off here in a very perfect rhyme scheme, rhyming with full, crisp words. In the first three lines, you are very consistent. Same line length, same rhyme-- perfect.
However, I would have liked to see it continue, dear.
I can tell that you were going for rhythmic repetition herein by repeating some words, but! It becomes a bit... for lack of a better word, boring. Here's why;
In poetry, you have the opportunity to make you readers think differently about something. You have the chance to show us, through your perspective, what something means to you, how it affects you, what you make of it and so on. Take the chance, dear, and use it! Be creative! Play with words-- switch some little ones for big ones, use some imagery, be dramatic-- make this dance.
Give us a reason to remember a poem, dear.
Remember to connect your events, dear, especially when the form than an event is presented in changes. As I mentioned, you begin with rhyme and structured lines, but as we come to the end-- it's changed. It's more like a story without any type of pattern.
But, I do really enjoy how you've wrote about this (if this is something you experienced, know that I'm sorry). I liked how you structured it (despite all of my criticism
Keep it up! I would love to see more of your work around here.
June