Published October 30, 2008
"Don't expect me to cry
don't expect me to lie
don't expect me to die
for thee..."
-Kurt Cobain, "Jesus Doesn't Want Me for a Sunbeam"
Before I really got to know her, she sat in front of me in math. Her kink-bristled black hair was always the first thing I saw when I woke up after being lulled to sleep by Mrs. Meander's smoke-crackled voice detailing the intricacies of inverse matrices and linear systems. I'd never really noticed her. I don't think anyone did. She was one of those girls that nobody thinks about— mildly overweight, but not fat enough to tease. She was the epitome of imperfection— imperfect dark skin, imperfect lips, imperfect nose... but there was one thing that /was/ perfect about her.
Her eyes.
Eyes that could ensnare a lion, give pause to a bear, perhaps even make Bush pensive. Looking into her eyes, I felt like it was the final Judgement Day and Minos was about to give his verdict.
Of course, I didn't realize any of this until she looked at me for the first time, really fixed those golden-brown eyes on me and asked "Would you go to formal with me." It wasn't a question. Her aura of conviction was astounding, overpowering. I didn't speak, just nodded my agreement. She smiled at me for a minute before hastily turning back to the board. My thoughts were spiraling, melting, knotting into a tanged mess from which shreds of ideas emerged, but never the whole item. Terror pounded through my heart, although there was no immediate threat. A premonition, maybe. A hint of wrongdoing to come...
I joked with my friends as usual that lunchtime, but the dance was still lurking at the back of my mind. I couldn't get rid of it, so I went to the school library to try to replace the mounting dread with some other world. Carrie was the first book I saw on the shelf. There was a girl in a gorgeus dress on the cover, drenched in blood, mouth open and screaming. I shuddered, put it back on the shelf. Maybe that wasn't the best option to put my mind at ease. I stepped back to look over the rest of it, but then the bell rang.
The rest of the day went its usual, uneventful way. When I walked in the door after school, I caught a glimpse of my own face staring at me in the mirror, pasty and soft under barely under a heavily used Dodgers cap. After my mom had passed into What could she possibly see in me? Was she mad? Or was she planning to use me and then betray me?
In high school, love is a dangerous enterprise.
A/N: This is a work-in-progress, I just wanted to post this to figure out the system and see if I can't get any feedback before I go further with this. C+C super-appreciated, as always 
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hey Trikky.
I enjoyed reading this, even with the lack of length, it's really well written and I like your style.
I clicked on this just because of the title, (which, by the way, i think was a great choice) and I was wowed by it.
Okay, on to the actual review.
A Few Basics
•I dont know about anyone else, but I was having trouble in the beginning getting a grasp on who the narrator was. Though it seemed like you knew your other character really well.
•Like someone mentioned before, it just seems like you rushing into the story a little near the ending of your piece, I got a little bit lost there.
Grammars
I'm not sure how I feel about this as a starting line; there's just something about it that doesn't quite make sense.
I like this, it made me giggle when i read it.
*gorgeous
Is the narrator a boy or a girl? From the actions, it seems like a guy, but some of the word choice is decisivily more feminine.
I think someone commented on this part before and I agree.
Not entirely sure what's happening in this part of the story.
***
Like I mentioned in the start of the review, I liked it, and I am curious as to where you're planning on taking it.
There wasn't a lot for me to critique here; i think you did a really good job.
Peace. Love. Dearie.
This definately was an attention grabbing story. I clicked on it out of curiousity and read it out of a desire to get my 2 reviews.
But I've gotta say, I really enjoyed it though I do agree that the library scene was rather unneeded and you would do well to work out the last two paragraphs. I spent a good minuet stumbling over the mention of the Dodgers cap. Just a grammer thing, but definately worth fixing.
Over all, this was good and I can't wait too read more. No other complains other than what was mentioned and nothing else to say but praise.
First off, love the title.
I don't know why, but for some reason I just LOVE this story. There's not even that much of it, and it does need a lot of work, but I really want you to write more
My biggest problem with this is that you didn't set us up. You started to, beginning with your description of the girl, and the classroom and such, but we need MORE. I feel like all of this happened too fast.
Also, your punctuation needs much work. If you need help with this, just PM me, and I'll lay this chapter out completetly the way it should be. I don't have time now...
Anyway, keep writing. I'd love to see where you're going with this.
KJ
this could be a good story but to me it seems that everything is happening too fast
i mean, the readers only just found out that there's this amazing girl in the boy's class and then suddenly they're going to a dance together?
i like a romance to have a bit of tension- will they get together? won't they?
maybe the girl could be really snooty and the boy sweet and shy or vise versa.
but hey, that's just me
This is looking like a good romance! I really like how mysterious the whole thing is. I say that a lot . "Mysterious." But I sort of go looking for that sort of thing, and this story is loaded. I'll be looking for more!
Hello, Trikky!
I think you commented on my blog when I was ranting and raving 
hehe And I don't think I got to say hi there so, nice to meet you!
Well, I saw this and it caught my attention. And let me tell you, your style is amazing. You have such way with words, such a unique way of describing things, that you held me in awe for awhile!
Now for you review, I only found one thing that bugged me:
In your story, the flow was beautifully done...until I reached here
Other than that, I really am looking forward to further installments of this.
PM me and let me know when you post more!
Hey there Trikky, and may I welcome you to YWS! You can call me Stella, everyone does, and you'll find me hanging round here a lot.
Okay, I see you have one review, but there is a rule here that you have two reviews for every piece you post. So technically, for this to be legal, you should have two pieces. But because we're all very loving people here (and because your piece looks cool), I'm going to review it anyway.
So onto the critique.
I. NITPICKS
ie. the little details. Comments, corrections, questions and compliments go here.
Okay, I would just reword it slightly: "she was the girl who sat in front of me in maths." Or Math. If that's what you say.
lol. Wanders a lot, does she? Nice name.
Nice bit of satire there.
tangled, peut-etre?
gorgeous
I'm a little confused over what you're trying to say here. Rewording needed.
II. THE LIBRARY
I found the library scene a little unnessecary -although the Carrie thing was quite entertaining
III. OVERALL
For the record, my reviews aren't usually this short. I enjoyed it overall. You have a nice style, and I think this is going somewhere.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, and I hope I've helped!
-Stella x