It is the idea, more than the prose, that sells a story. Your prose are in need of so much work, so I don't have to focus on them. You're more than capable to see the faults yourself, I bet.
The piece itself is a little empty, devoid of any real weight. You give me a character, and you give me a scene, and you give me her death. It needs more.
Think of ways to add depth to the piece. Make me care about this person.
- Give me her love for this man more solidly. Give me a memories of their time together, her observations of his mannerisms (and contrast it with his lifeless body, perhaps). Give me depth, give me realism. She loved him and she died so she is sad is not enough. It's not real. Give me substance, give me her real thoughts, her real pain beyond that scratched from the surface.
- Show her fear - real fear - for what is coming. Make me care for her and sympathise with her situation. She wants to be with her love in the afterlife, but surely - like anyone - she is scared. Give me it, show me it, let me feel it in the prose. Give her a choice to die or run, and have her make it gradually.
- Give her a name! She should I care about this stranger, when I don't even know her name? It's a small change, but it makes a huge difference. Pronouns become tedious, too. Give her a name that'll add something to her, and make me care. I don't hurt when a man is murdered, but a do care when Matthew Davies with wife and child is.
After all that, when she kills herself, I'll care. No one can care for cardboard, and right now, that's what I see her. Make her human, make her real.
Like I said, your prose will get you buy. I doubt that's your focus at the moment, and if it is, it shouuldn't be. Ideas sell, prose package.
Hope I helped, Trident.
- Andy
Points: 890
Reviews: 15
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