His pale body lay on
steel slab. They had ripped out
his heart: if only they knew
it was shattered, a mosaic
of red and pink and black.
They had cut out his eyes:
they knew not how much those
things leaked; not worth a damn.
They had dug out his liver: a
useless lump at best. He’d had his
share for not one life, but two.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
They had cut out his eyes:
[s]they knew not[/s] they didn't know how much those
things leaked
The liver part makes sense now; I'm not sure I didn't get that before because I didn't read carefully or because it wasn't obvious enough. It's probably my fault, but I'd like it if you had a reference to alcohol somewhere in the poem.
Ooh, cadaver. Excellent word. *shivers*
Colleen
Oooh, I see... now that I read it through with that in mind, it makes a lot of sense. I really like it - especially the ending, and the bit about the eyes leaking too much. My only question would be if it's not too subtle, and if anything could be added to the title or something that would leave the ending with plenty of emphasis but make it more clear. But then again, it could just be me not getting the subtlety, in which case I would leave it how it is, since it reads so well already. I really like the line breaks, too... this is a really fine poem. Thanks for explaining it to me, I feel like I can appreciate it so much more now!
It wouldn't ruin it, I suppose, unless your idea was ruined by my explanation.
It was meant to convey the fact that he drank heavily and that his liver was useless to give to someone else who might need it. Only meh, I know.
I like it, though the ending had me confused. Would you mind explaining it, or would that ruin the whole purpose of the poem?
Me like, I like the omission of the indefinitive article in the first line.
I cannot criticise.
pretty great. my favorite part is: "they had cut out his eyes: they knew not how much those things leaked."