Published September 25, 2007
Not sure if I got the feeling of this poem to go across well. Please comment on that if you would. 
I stand at the deli counter
and order a sandwich.
The cashier is a bald man,
tall and black. I hear he is from
Liberia--it is in Africa, I think.
He readies the salami and asks
with an accent: What kind of bread
and what kind of cheese?
“White,” I say, “and American.”
Without further thought,
he compresses the makings
and offers me his creation.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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It's like those Manhattan Diaries that they have on the second page of the New York Times, only much more subtly meaningful.
Thanks you all for the comments. Very helpful indeed.
I can definitely see what you're trying to say here, and I'm sure others will see it if they just concentrate on it a little bit. Once you see it, it's as blatant as it can get. As for my crit:
This can definitely be reworded, like cadmium said. "I think it's in Africa" is a good line, as are a couple of others that have just slipped my mind.
I definitely like this one.
KABOOM! That hit me like a stampeding herd chickens! (?) Anyway, talk about mega-moral going on. It doesn't matter that the imagery isn't bursting with colorful metaphors; in fact, it's better the way it is. Very nice job.
I liked it. ^_^
The only thing I didn't really like were the last two lines:
he compresses the makings
and offers me his creation.
I think you can do something a bit more specific which tell the story a lot better.
Also... I don't really like the title. Because it is kind of hokey, especially paired up with the poem.
But the poem itself I liked a lot, and I think the idea behind it was cool. Although, suddenly I have an urge to go to San Francisco and buy a sandwich...
Haha. Trident. I don't know really what to say, except that I LOVED IT! I dunno. There's something about the simple, no-nonsense business of ordering a 'which from a deli that makes this poem AMAZING!
Haha, you're such a good laugh,
-Evang.
I get it!!!
It is okay, I think it would be better as like flash-fiction or something.
Sorry, no time..:\
-xxx-
I really like it. Simple, but thoughtful.
This part came off awkwardly. You might rephrase: "I think it's in Africa."
I agree with Myth; try to write the man's accent into what he says. It'll be much more effective.
-Colleen
Point well taken. I think I'll have to work on some better images here. Boring?... I'll work on that.
Thanks.
It sounds like a short story, a little amusing. Though, in my opinion, perhaps you could have written what the man says in his accent?
Hmm. I'm having a hard time with this........I don't really know what to think of it. HOnestly, I was kind of bored? There is some description, which is good, but there are no similies or metaphors or anything of the sort like that and the entire poem is done in complete sentences, including transition words and such. I feel like if the thought was broken up a little the 'feel' of the poem may come across better, as it stands right now I have no idea what the point of it is. I do like that it was done in present tense, though...it helps the emotion.