A twisted hand has grasped my mind.
Its pen plunged into my black heart
and wrenched. The unspeakable—
what acts can be contrived!—are whispered,
not by brutes, but men of artifice;
men of intellect!
Shadows float in my thoughts and dreams;
they eat at my soul with unforgiving teeth.
It is only sheer fantasy, I deceive myself. And
in my vile heart I know what it is he desires.
What a loathsome burden I beseech to you!
If surely this fiend can permit himself
such allowances,
then I too shall be freed to grant him
my ill compassions.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It is only sheer fantasy, I deceive myself. And
in my vile heart I know what it is he desires
*This is my favorite line. My least favorite line:
...I can't really find a least favorite line. The poem altogether is in great porportions as far as lines and descriptions are concerned. Great job on this.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I'm ba-ack! *wide grin* And now I shall finish my critique. *dons serious glasses*
This is a little too abstract for my taste, and I feel that it doesn't add much to the poem except a dark feeling that could be better achieved with more concrete imagery and less...emo, I suppose...language. These two were probably the weakest lines.Regarding xanthan gum's comment: I think that the dramatics really add to the charm of this poem. Beseech might be misused, though. Not entirely sure on that one.
I assume the part in italics is the speaker talking to herself. I think this might be less confusing (and not-like-a-comma-splice) as:
I deceive myself: It is only sheer fantasty.
or
It is only sheer fantasy. I deceive myself.
^^Just for flow.
Great ending! My only issue with it is the line breaks. They're awkward and not broken like the rest of the poem. I'd break them something like this:
If surely this fiend can permit himself
such allowances, then I too shall be freed
to grant him my ill compassions.
I'm also not so sure about the word "fiend". The word can sound humorous even when humor isn't the intent. Perhaps it's the sound of the word, maybe it's just that the word has been used like that too much. It's not going to make or break the poem, but you might find a better word.
Strongest lines, in my opinion. Great voice.
This may just come from an ignorance of Lolita, but I feel that this poem isn't specific enough. What are the terrible "acts" that are being contrived? Why is the speaker's heart black? What is the fiend doing?
Perhaps this is actually choc full of references and I just don't know (Lolita actually is next on my personal reading list, so perhaps I'll come back to this poem with a new perspective) but I think some things are rather abstract, and I think a poem inspired by another work should stand on its own as well as complement the original work. For it to stand on its own, it'll need to be a little less vague, but not so specific that the references are just annoying (i.e. not my freshman English project on Romeo and Juliet >.<).
Colleen
Brilliant, and I love the energy! However, I must say, some of that energy seem to die down in the last two lines. It wasn't as strong as the other lines.
You have some turn-off word choices here that, if cut and replaced with something more suited and original, could improve the poem's quality tenfold. For example:
black heart, unforgiving, ill, vile, beseech.
My suggestion is to tone down the dramatics, as it often adds many unnecessary words.
Well, I've never read Lolita, so I suppose I can't get the full force of this poem.
I love the language, though; way to stay consistent throughout. No suggestions on content, really.
I don't like that the second sentence is a fragment. Perhaps:
A twisted hand has grasped my mind,
its pen plunged into my black heart
and wrenched.
or:
A twisted hand has grasped my mind,
plunged its pen into my black heart
and wrenched.
Argh, I have to go. I shall return to finish my critique, have no worries.
Colleen
Thanks Clau. I never remember the shortcut for the em dash, so I usually just put two short dashes. I'll see if I can't get them to work...
I enjoyed it
I had to read it, the title caught me, it being one of my favorite books. A good way to capture the readers feelings for Hum, I suppose is who you are speaking of?
Sorry I can't say much more... I don't really know what to say.
The only thing I didn't like was -- use — instead. (ALT+0151).
I've never been all too much for free verse like this, but it was good