Long Line, Sweetheart

Hey Trident!

Finally getting to your other request! You didn't disappoint, either; this was chock-full of lovely, lovely dialogue, so I thank you for not posting something that would torture my poor soul.

I agree with Cal, about subtlety really being your strength here, though the quick dialogue was a big bonus too. The interaction between husband and wife, between Tom and Gerald - both very well done. Tom's observations on the young couple, the sleazy guy, and the other patrons were all great too. And the ice cream adventure is relatable if you have even a semi-tyrannical female in your life.

I didn't even notice that it was present tense until Suzanne mentioned it in her critique, so points for that too. When present works, it really works, and here it works so well I didn't even notice you'd done it, simply got caught up in the moment of the story. Very nice.

I have little to say about this - disappointing, perhaps, considering it took me months to finally get around to critiquing all the things on my request thread, but there's little to say here. Just a great piece - thoroughly readable, enjoyable, clever, well-characterized. Couldn't ask for more.

I would love to see something like this in the next YWS Journal. Very nice work.

Don't worry. ^_^

It was only ever meant to be a stand alone story. I think some people are just confused by the ending, as they're not used to reading that type of ending.

Please don't write a part 2! it's a greatshort story already and the only way to go from here is a slick spiral to the seventh realm of hell if you continue this story.

I really like your characters and how they develop in so short a time. The descriptions are great (I'm kind of jealous), and I could get into the story.

The plot build-up is good. I don't want to critique it until I've read more, however. I felt like it was only beginning.

Just one thing: Why should Tom care about two kids that he doesn't even know? They seem like low-life people (getting beer and everything), and Tom isn't even a father yet. Is he just that type of guy, to worry about everyone and everything? I think it would have been a bit better to portray WHY Tom is so concerned.

Keep writing. I'll be watching for Part 2.

my criticism is more in line with Caligula's Launderette's. I personally think that you don't listen to what the other guys are mostly saying. I think your story is practically perfect the way it is. i laughed so much reading your story than in a long time. i don't think that it was a smart move to post what the moral was (the reader is supposed to interpret, you just tell the story).

I liked the ending and how it came full circle with the beginning. It really sent out a tone that they are just ordinary people with ordinary lives, and this particular incident was pretty ordinary as well. You did a great job in giving out enough details to paint the proper scene and images without over doing it (the subtleness is great; takes a lot of talent to do that properly).

I think the description of the cashier is not unnecessary. Technically, her hair and sweater doesn’t really do anything or characterize her, but it does force the reader to think, “yeah, I’ve met an ugly fat bitch like her in real life.”

I think you should keep the “So is the one in your wife’s belly your first?” line. Gerald’s word choice characterizes him as a gentle, sincere, kind man. Saying “wife’s belly” is kind of a gentle, polite thing to say. It really reveals his personality.

I also think that you should keep the “weird cravings” lines as well. It makes Tom seem that he is new to the pregnancy thing and that he just discovered that pregnant women get cravings. It reveals something about his relationship with his spouse (it doesn’t matter if she’s his wife, girlfriend, or whatever. Mentioning it in the story will be too distracting and unnecessary because it doesn’t matter if they‘re married or not).

God, this reminded me so much of Hemingway’s “Hills like white elephants” and JD Salinger’s “A Perfect Day for Bananafish.” Your story is so simple, subtle, and brilliant. There’s not much in your story, so message is so subtle and hard to find. As a reader, I enjoy searching the text and interpreting what the writer is trying to say. The characters are the only things there, so I had to look at them and their relationships carefully to conclude that the modest and kind are praised (Tom and Gerald) while the other stupid guys will suffer the consequences of their stupidity later (the young couple and the agent). You have real talent. I think the dialog is well crafted (don’t change it!). There were so many funny parts, like Tom’s conversation with his wife/gf via cell phone about the Neapolitan.

But you don’t have to listen to me or my crit. Do what you want.

If you value the life of a fellow writer please continue this. I really want to know if Tom is going to help those people escape the clutches of the cheap suited guy and his money. By the way, I loved your title. When I was reading this I really couldn't get why this story was named Long line, sweetheart. Until I reached the line. True brilliance!!

Here is that proper critique I was talking about. If you have any questions or my handwriting is illegible please tell me.











Ta,
Cal.

Hello Calvin!

“I’m hungry,” she says [comma] after the most recent song ends.

The agent sees Gerald whispering. “Sir, are you interfering? Son, tell this man to keep to his own business.”

“Keep your nose to yourself,” the boy says. “We don’t want your rotten opinion. Damn prudes taking over the country.”

Hey, Tri.

I can hear the tinny sigh of the ride cymbal

"Not for me," I admit. "My wife. She's pregnant [s]and has these weird cravings[/s]."

I really liked this. I thought it was a really strong piece of writing, and I liked that it didn't have a definitive ending, if that was the ending.

I agree with silentbutsure, the bit where he says

So is the one in your wife’s belly your first?”

This is the kind of slightly weird (in a good way) thing I like to read so I really enjoyed this. Just a couple of suggestions though.

Trident wrote:I walk past the cashier, an obese woman: red frizzy hair, purple sweater, and a smile that says, “You are welcome here, but not too welcome.”

We shake hands, mine cold from the ice cream. He holds a bag of potato chips. “For my daughter,” he says. “She visits every other weekend. She’s my last. So is the one in your wife’s belly your first?”

Yo Trident! *waves*

Haha, for some reason I always confuse the 10 with the I-17, which goes nowhere near Pasadena. Glad someone can get it straight. xD

Rofl... I love how the truth of what the couple is getting into is somehting you can miss easily if you're not paying attention. Very well done. Very subtle, and I think that's the best thing about this piece.

The subtlety is just... wow. At the surface this is just a little ditty about nothing important, but if you really watch, man, there's so much more to it. I love this. xD

Excellent job. I have no major complaints to register. I love this. ^_^

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Hey, thanks everyone for the crits. For those who may be struggling with the message/moral: a lot of literature in today's world tends to present a choice to the characters and how that character chooses reveals what kind of person he/she is. I've attempted to do the same thing here.

And looking forward to that thorough critique, Cal. ^_^

Gryphon's right, but you do have great detail though.

If it's going to be continued, put a note a the bottom. And the ending wasn't that...I don't know...intriguing as the rest.

Hope this helps...

ST

True, genuine characters. Believable storyline. A bit confused as to the meaning/moral of the story, but it is amazing. Loved it beginning to end.

I really, really liked this. Especially about the beginning. The atmosphere you created was very peacful, but there felt like there was a little tension in there as well.

Your description were really good, and I could play the whole thing in my head like a movie.

The only thing I can comment on is the conversation in the store. I know that you really did need it, but I think you should re-write it. It lost all the feeling and atmosphere in that conversation, and I didn't like it.

But the dialouge was natural, and your descriptions continued to be perfect, so I really can't comment on much.

I really liked this. And now I know what Neapolitan ice-cream is. . He should have gone. Mean.

But apart from my argument there, I really liked it.

This is amazing. One of the best short stories I've read in a long time. I think the subtlety is what I like best about it, or it could be Tom's voice, or the humor.

I also like how you set up people in different stages in life all converging on one place; there were the two youngins in line, Tom and his Wife, and then Gerald.

I'll be getting around to give you a proper critique on this, you know one of those that things that actually contains some good stuff like constructive criticism, and not just word flails, I just wanted to get my initial response out there and mark it so I didn't forget to come back.

Ta,
Cal.

Is this going to be continued?

I'm confused as to what this story is actually about. Is it about the couple or the man and his pregnant wife? What was the actual point/moral/conflict? I really wasn't sure.

Other than that, I loved your writing. The descriptions were just enough that I could picture the place and the people, but not so much that I was gagging and drowning in adjectives. Really nice job there.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling