Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So...I have to admit I only vaguely know who Atila the Hun is and have never heard of this Pope Leo so the historical context for this is something I just don't know enough of to actually comment on so that won't be there. Besides that, this seems a fairly straightforward. It seems like just a bit of a monologue by this Pope who is about to face a dangerous enemy and he's just reassuring himself and trying to look for a solution. And that's fine. It doesn't really have a plot to it but it presents it idea pretty well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

He is close, Leo thought. He had worked too hard creating order and peace within his own lands to let it go to shambles under the likes of such a man. He knew he would have to go before the vile barbarian before he came and ravaged his city. The Huns were a ferocious and wild bunch. They were led by the foul Attila, the man who had led his despicable armies through Europe destroying most of what lie in their path. It was unfortunate indeed. France had been mercilessly pillaged; he knew his city would come to the same fate if he didn’t intervene. But what would his words mean to this savage? Why would he take audience with the leader of Christianity?

Well, he was the Pope after all. Wasn’t that enough? Not only did he have the support of all the people of Europe, but he had forces with which to combat the invaders. No, he knew. There were not enough. The Hun army was enormous. There would be no stopping it if it were to attempt to take Rome. He would have to try the diplomatic route.

He would have little time before the scourge of God would reach the gates of Rome, less than a year. He needed to stop the violence where it was located now. If he had any chance of saving his city, surely it was through his superior negotiating skills. He would have this barbarian on his knees! His words would inspire divine intervention. The Lord would surely not allow such brutality upon him and his followers. Yet Leo already knew that this was not the case. Attila had already unleashed his men upon many poor countless Christians. Many had died, so many had died. Now he knew it was up to him to save the rest of his people and his city. Rome shall not fall, he thought, never shall it fall.

“Get the men and horses ready. We shall meet with this savage fellow and see if he means business. The people of Christianity will be ever under God’s watchful eye, but Rome, I fear, will not be so lucky. God willing, I will be able to save the city and the people. We travel north. Already he has fouled the lands of Italy. We shall stop him there.”

“Yes, your Holiness. I shall give the orders myself,” Prosper answered.

“Excellent,” Leo added, “may God help us in these dark hours."

I think it's just too short. There's not enough development of the conflict, and there's little-to-no storyline. Yes, you've given an introduction -- The Pope wants an audience with Attila. However, there's nothing else. I'd consider extending it to the actual diplomatic meeting. At the moment we have an undeveloped character, an undeveloped plot and an undeveloped conflict. This, funnily enough, leads to a short, unsatisying, underdeveloped story.

You're also guilty of the worst crime (ironically somewhat, also the easiest to commit) for historical fiction. The info-dump.

In the first paragraph you are particularly guilty of it. Of course you have to tell the reader Attila has invaded, but you don't have to explain it in one paragraph. This is where length comes in. Perhaps you could use dialogue? Information presented through dialogue is often the strongest form of communicating or conveying infromation to the reader. Leo could be talking to an aide about the meeting, or even perhaps debating with the other members of the embassy (the consul Aviennius perhaps?). They could be discussing why they need the embassy, maybe even debating it. You could have an irate military commander, who wants to throw his army at the Huns, while the Pope wants a diplomatic solution. This could develop your conflict better, avoid info-dumping, and develop your presentation of the character Pope Leo. At the moment he is little more than a historical name.

Anyway, thanks for sharing, and I hope my notes can be of some help!