Published February 6, 2007
I carried a garter snake
through the whitewashed town: it would hiss
and flick its thin forked tongue
through scaled lips to seduce me.
“Don’t worry yourself;
he cannot bite.”
I would show the rose-red girls,
whose flight o'er mud puddles
made me laugh; at sunset, I rode
my creaky bike with the wind
at my back until I spotted another
of the devious creatures.
When I snatched the last one in my fists,
its neck stiffening as it stared
me in the eye, I felt
its gummy nubs for fangs clamp on
the stringy sinew between thumb
and forefinger.
I stomped the beast
and fled for home--
undoubtedly,
through mud puddles.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,247 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
I really liked this poem. It painted good imagery for me since I live near a large amount of garter snakes. I also know what it's like to carry one of the beautiful creatures and being bitten by them too.
Absolutely stunning. Completely encapsulated an experience and its effect into a brief but delightful poem. Thank you.
I think the beginning was really very strong and beautiful. You've got talent, especially concerning imagery. But the ending was slightly disappointing. It seemed more juvenile, like you were trying too hard to tie the story up with an appropriate ending. I agree with Incandescence in getting rid of the last stanza.
This was really interesting. I loved it as well, the way it flowed and the words you used were excellent. I too have been told that garter snakes didn't bite, and had to find out the hard way that the "adults" were wrong. Nice Job.
Keep it up!
-Rieda
Oh, I love snakes. And I like this poem, particularly this bit:
Gummy nubs? That's great.
So. I agree with Brad for the most part, though I think the last verse should be melted into the poem rather than dropped altogether. The problem with it right now is that it has a different moral than the rest of the poem, adresses a different issue, changes the focus. Not a good thing to do in the last four lines. You've developed this great life experience, and set us all up for a lesson-to-be-learned, and then you switch it to something else. I'm not sure which moral or lesson or whatever is better, so I'm not sure if just deleting the last stanza is the best solution to the problem, but it definitely needs to be fixed somehow.
Ok, that was a bit rambling... sorry about that. The only other thing I wanted to add is that this line:
really bothers me. I hate the use of pigtails to describe girls from a while ago. Say braids or plaits, maybe, but even then I think there would be other ways you could describe young girls than rosy-cheeked and pigtailed. Just a little pet-peeve of mine.
Anyway, it's a really good poem, you should keep working on it.
Oh, yes, I agree with Brad! I was going to tell you to erase the last stanza entirely, but I see he got to it first.
I am, however, opposed to this "He could not bite/I was told" or other variation. I'd like to see it in quotes, as though repeating an adult: "'Don't worry, he won't bite.'" I feel like it would show so much more.
Great work! I really enjoyed it, and it made me think of that time when I was about seven and my dog tried to eat a snake...>.<
Colleen
Trident -
I carried a garter snake
through the whitewashed town: it would
S and flick its thin forked tongue
through scaled lips to seduce me.
He could not bite.
I would show the rose-red girls,
whose flight o'er mud puddles
would make me laugh;
at twilight, I would ride
my creaky bike with the biting wind
at my back until I spotted another
of the deviant creatures.
When I snatched the last one in my fists,
its neck stiffening as it stared
me in the eye, I felt
its gummy nubs for fangs clamp on
the stringy sinew between thumb
and forefinger.
I stomped the beast
and fled for home--
undoubtedly,
through mud puddles.
Not too bad hehe, I'm not entirely sure -what- a garter snake -is- so...Yeah. I'm aussie, we have the venomous kinds
Buuuut, good imagery. Yeah, there's not much I -can- say about it, it's rather well written. Well done.
~Chibi
really groovy, like an old movie on one of those reel projectors.
~Six