This is for the Fantasy Fools' Contest thingy. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to put anything in the title to show that. The theme is dragons.
Traveling to the market was never easy. Sometimes it took all his strength and will just to make a day’s journey. Then, of course, he had to pick up and move on the very next morning.
The route to the market was rather boring as well. The bland countryside was always the same: the trees, the people, the dirt. It was the same dreary task year after year. “These turnips won’t get themselves to the market,” his father had told him. And indeed they didn’t. He took them.
This year hadn’t been any different. He looked back at his father’s turnip-filled cart as he led the horse forward and to the only town within several miles. The market there had several buyers in need of crops such as his, and he did his part by selling them. When his father first brought him there, he discovered he had a talent for bargaining. Now he went by himself to the market to sell the turnips. And he hated it.
The turnips wouldn’t sell themselves, though. So here he was.
On the second night of his second trip, he decided to settle down. There was a small overhang under which he often made camp on his journeys to the market, and he decided that it would once again be an ideal spot to camp.
He laid out his small sleep sack and closed his eyes. It was a cold night, and he found it difficult to catch even a wink of sleep. He turned over to his side in an attempt to doze off, but that failed too. Perhaps a walk would do some good, he thought.
The birch-filled landscape was illuminated by white moonlight, casting eerie shadows on the ground that seemed to reach for his ankles. He passed through the trees quickly, consoling himself in the darkness. He meant to reach the comfort of the stream and take a brief drink. He never meant to hear or see what he did.
The song was truly the most enchanting part, the melodious tune sung with such purity. Caught up in the melody, he seized each note and placed it in his heart, feeling the music, perhaps, more than hearing it. It took him several minutes to even realize that the songstress was bathing in the river, her silky-white back to him, and the water up to her waist.
He was immediately horrified, but at the same time, exhilirated. He knew he shouldn’t be watching her, but he couldn’t stop himself. Her song kept him attached to her, and he knew that if she asked something of him, he would do it without hesitation.
Then the sound of a shouting mob, each person louder than the next, broke the blissful melody. Dogs barked, men yelled, and torches burned. The raging chaos grew nearer.
He looked back to the stream, but the woman was gone. It was as if she had never been there. Then he heard a terrifying scream come from above. He saw an enormous creature, as dark as the night, fly away from the mob. It was as beautiful as it had been before, and he knew it had been her he had seen. He watched the figure vanish into the night sky, and the mob curse futilely after it.
He ran back to the overhang and checked on the horse and cart. All night he pondered what he saw and struggled to remember that sweet song. The next morning he rose, harnessed the horse, and headed to the market. Those turnips wouldn’t sell themselves, after all.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I found the opening to be rather, well, dull
. Reading about a boy delivering turnips doesn't make for an exhilrating read.
.
But once it got going (about half way through), it improved, my attention was caught. I also liked the rather dry humour that is the final line.
This could maybe do with some more description (eg. of the main character). But for such a short story, I suppose this isn't a major problem.
Keep on writing
The problem I have with the story is that you don't give me a description of how the boy looks or a name. Now if you want the name to be more of a mystery in that you reveal it later that is fine, but I think every story needs a description of the character. Also the details in your story are very vague on the environment, setting, etc...I want to know the description of the horse, was the cart rickety? I'm a very visual person and I like lots of details, but I did like the tone of the story if thats the right word to be using. With some editing it could be very good.
I think it is good, it caught my attention rather quickly because I happen to be a dragon lover.
But this needs some work. We know nothing of the boy. Not his name, his appearance, where he lives. And most importantly: why he has to go sell turnips every year. Obviously his family grows turnips. But why, and why does HE have to deliver them?
Read your story over, and try your best to pretend that you haven't written it. Think of the questions some of the readers might ask and do your best to answer them. It's a great technique that I use often!
Hey Trident...I've finally gotten to seeing this. I knew you'd said you were going to try to enter the FDWC - a bit uncertain as to the if or where. ^_^
You've got a good, even voice - and I think it assists the the atmosphere well. Peasant fellow and the marketplace; turnips - works well commonplace contrast to the woman/dragon. And I can just go over it briefly...
Some of the sentences - as Myth notes - tend to repeat, something that's easily sifted out by brief rereading and revision.
A note as to the beginning -
Here, I get a good impression of the experience. But it seems a bit rushed, perhaps? Traveling...not easy... Then on to the next paragraph, next idea. It would shift less noticeably if you connected the two first parapraphs. ^_^
Here - I didn't mind the repetition a bit. Three times always is the charm. But it might read more smoothly were you to use 'same' then following the colon merely repeat what. Like so -
Possibly...I'd read it aloud to see how it sounds both ways.
Perfectly reasonable contradiction. ^_^ ...'Enlivened' sounds a bit off - though that may just be my ear. It tends to connote lively, cheering up - wouldn't it be more a thrill?
Finishes well for it's brevity - a bit of humour; but also the somewhat whimsical wondering, trying to recall the song. It leaves a question and an opening for more.
Thanks then, for entering the challenge. ^_^ You won - if by default at least not unworthily. This was an interesting bit. A short story maybe, if expanded?
IMP
You start right off without giving a name for this person, you should as it wasn’t clear who this boy was.
To improve this, the repetition of ‘same’ should be taken out. Consider something like: The bland countryside remained unchanged, the trees, the people and the dirt were all the same as before.
Another ‘same’. How about ‘usual’?
Take out ‘and’.
Suggestion: On the second night of the following trip, he decided to settle down to sleep.
Keep thoughts in italics.
I liked that description there. You could have taken the opportunity to also describe the boy’s features.
What did you mean by ‘It was as beautiful as it had been before’? Had the boy seen the creature on a previous visit?
I’ve given a few suggestions for a few of your sentences that you may want to look at, when you change it make sure it’s in your own words or expand them.
Try and remember not to be repetitive and it would be helpful to know the boy’s name or at least what he looks like.
I’d really like to see how you include Tolkien’s quote in your story. A good start so far but needs to be more informative.