Published December 4, 2006
(Er... another lame attempt of mine at poetry. Do not be too lenient. I must learn after all.)
One of those tepid nights
where the coat-less shiver and fools
play in the streets. Spirits
haunt the old homes and young
heads--not a difficult endeavor,
but a self-sustaining high and perilous low.
The walk back, a show of unbroken bonds,
a comradery unmatched in strength. Yet
when all washes back to normalcy--that dull,
ailing normalcy--the only true souls
are revealed; those few (or many) who give
rather than take.
Days pass, time is bided and
old souls anticipated. Fellows wait
till they can do it all over again.
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I liked this - it was interesting to read, and your language used is really good, too.
Some suggestions:
...when all washes back to normalcy--that dull,
ailing normalcy--the only true souls...
I don't know if I like the section in the hyphens, I think it would work just as well without that line.
...Fellows wait
till they can do it all over again.
This didn't sound all that finished to me. I was left thinking 'Shouldn't there be more?' Maybe you could alter this line, or perhaps add something after it.
In general, I felt this was a really well written poem. Good work!
Hello Trident! I'm sorry to tell you this (I know you really want me to be harsh, LMAO) but I actually really liked this.
LOL. Otherwise, I like the first two lines, but the last line seems a bit out of sync, and it needs some more punch. We're not really sure, at this stage, what they have done in the first instance, so doing it all over again goes right past us (or me, at any rate). Perhaps a bit of editing needed there to give it appropriate impact.
One of those tepid nights
where the coatless shiver and fools
play in the streets. Spirits
haunt the old homes and young
heads--not a difficult endeavor,
but a self-sustaining high and perilous low.
I like the tone here -- very much suited to the scene. Particularly the last line. You have a good sense of rhythm too
The walk back, a show of unbroken bonds,
a comradery unmatched in strength. Yet
when all washes back to normalcy--that dull,
ailing normalcy--the only true souls
are revealed; those few (or many) who give
rather than take.
You seem to switch scenes a bit here, without any warning. Perhaps you could work something in about it being a "walk back" into the first line (or, if you have already done so, perhaps make it a bit less subtle LOL -- I'm tired this morning). Also, not sure about the transition to "the only true souls" -- you might want to tweak it a bit.
Days pass, time is bided and
old souls anticipated. Fellows wait
till they can do it all over again.
Not sure if "bided" is really a word?
Overall, though, I liked it. You're not as bad at poems as you pretend hehe. Will look forward to seeing where you go with this.
Cheers,
~bubbles