Did you know that tinned food was available 30 years before the invention of the tin-opener? In much the same spirit, my feelings for Avery Whitbread exploded into being long, long before Avery had any idea that I existed.
It was different with you though, wasn't it? Most people, Avery Whitbread included, rarely gave me a second glance. Not you. I was invisible to the rest of the world but you saw me. Somehow you could look past the façade the rest of the world saw and you could see me. The true me. To you, I was an open book; you could read my every emotion. Yet no matter how hard I tried, I could never do the same in reverse. You were like an unsolved mystery, an enigma. You were mysterious, puzzling, one of a kind, and you broke my heart. For that, I can never forgive you.
No. That's a lie. I've forgiven you a thousand times over. Letting you into my heart was always going to be easy - keeping you there is the challenge. It seems like years since Avery Whitbread was the centre of my universe. Falling for someone who doesn't notice you, who is so insanely unattainable, is uncomplicated. Safe. I realise that now. Avery was never going to break my heart because nothing would happen between us. All that time, trying to tell Avery how I felt, I thought I knew what heartache was, but that wasn't even close to how I feel now. In the end it was not Avery Whitbread, who never realised I existed, who broke my heart, but you. You, who I only knew me for such a short time, but somehow, knew me better than anyone.
It was raining when I first saw you. A sudden storm which appeared from nowhere, throwing our quiet, orderly day into chaos, then disappearing as soon as it had begun, leaving a trail of flooded roads, fallen trees and power outages in its wake. In much the same fashion, you burst into my life and turned my world upside down. Then you were gone. You left me heartbroken, confused and happier than I've ever been. Over the moon. I didn't realise that I could feel so joyous and so miserable in the same heartbeat. Sometimes, I miss you so terribly but at the same instant I am so, so glad that you were a part of my life. Everything used to be straightforward; sometimes I was happy, sometimes I was sad, but never both at once. Now, my emotions are a jumbled mess, but I wouldn't trade that for the world.
I miss you. I miss you so badly I would do anything to see you again. Anything.I don't know when I realised it, but Avery Whitbread doesn't seem to matter anymore. Those feelings are long gone. I've chosen you, completely and truly. All I want is to see you again.
Come back, please.
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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hiya TriSARAHtops! (cool name, by the way!) Here to review
So firstly, nitpicks in the spoiler:
Spoiler
I feel that this sentence is a bit too long, and could be broken down with either two smaller sentences or a connective.
You missed a couple of spaces
Now, onto the critique. Now, I admit, I'm not really good with Romantic Lit, however I shall try my best. Your plot is quite interesting. I mean, you start with Avery Whitbread, and it seems the MC just loves him. But then you start addressing the reader as 'you' which makes it seem more like a letter, and saying the MC loves 'you' more that=n Avery Whitbread. To be completely honest, this confused me a bit, however I still think it was quite interesting to use. I think this should be expanded more, and be explained slightly better because it's left me feeling quite confused.
Your characterisation isn't very.... well there. I mean, I don't know anything really about any of your characters apart from the MC. And from what I can tell about the MC is that they're completely hung over two men and they just seem a bit obsessed. I'm sure they're not, but I'd love to know more about them! Especially, Avery Whitbread. Why do they love him so much. Right now he is very two-dimensional. Is he just a really lovely person or what if he was really cruel? But that didn't matter to your MC... Include that there!
Lastly, your sentences seem quite varied, which is good! I think maybe could use some more interesting descriptions so the readers can imagine things a bit more. I'm not sure if you were on some kind of word-limit but I think that just some more descriptions of characters/places would really bring this piece along.
I hope this review helped! PM me with questions or if you'd like anything else reviewed.
Keep Writing
-Tam
xxx
This is a depressing story of love and heartache. It can be related to by the majority of the population and triggers emotions in all. It is filled with a deep yearning and curiosity. I cannot help but wonder who it is the main character is reffering to, other than Avery Whitbread. From what the main character says, or thinks, the other person was a close friend, whom they had formed an unkown love with.
You have successfully managed to put in powerful emotions and expresed them successfully. That in itself is a great acheivement, especially considering it was a short story. I thought it was a wonderful piece of writing, with good grammer spelling and above all meaning. You had triggered my emotions which made me connect to your character, the best way to hook a reader. Well done.
P.s. I think a good name for your story would be Love is Lost.
im not real good at making titles. I dont really know if i can help you. but i do have an idea, how about Translucent. By the way i love the way you write.