Published May 10, 2011
Dedicated to Emmy (SisterItaly) as a belated 'Happy Birthday'
You may have turned 16, and be well on the way to adulthood, but don't squander the gift that is your life, and never forget those special people in it. <3
A breath
A cry
A suckle
A sigh
Asleep
Awake
Birthday cake
Toothache.
A carpet
A crawl
A stumble
A fall
A walk
A run
To mum's open arms.
A classroom
A workbook
Handwriting
Frustrated looks
A schoolbell
A packed lunch
New friends
'Savvy' bunch.
An exam.
Another year.
More exams.
Another year.
New year
High school
New mates
Not cool
Pretty girl
Black dress
She gains your interest.
More exams.
Another year.
More exams.
Another year.
Lip quivers.
Act cool;
She could do
much better than you.
Hair spiked
Collar undone
Go to ask her to the prom
A heartbeat
Eyes meet
Tells you that you're awfully sweet.
Yes.
Prom time
Dance lessons
Suit picked out
Your partner beckons
Dressed in silk
Black and gold
She looks young
You feel old.
The music plays
The room swirls
Boys in 'tuxes'
Girls doing twirls.
The music stops
Lights go down.
Move closer to her
silk ballgown.
Brush her neck
A gentle kiss;
You never thought this day would be missed.
Always eager
Always keen;
Everything was simpler when you were 16.
(Seriously, it was.)
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140,764 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
It was really simple but I loved it!! I liked how you used the short phrases and bits throughout the entire thing; that's how i think most of the time and it was just so easy to read. Loved the theme and all the imagery, really good flow too.
I really like this poem! I love how the poem is simple. It goes right along with the title and the message. And, it seemed to get slightly more complex as the poem went along. I don't know if you planned it that way, or if it just happened, but it worked beautifully!
I have to say that the first two verses are my favorite. They are simple, but they convey a clear picture.
An exam.
Another year.
More exams.
Another year.
I would have to agree that these lines were a little choppy and repetitive, but at the same time, I like the repetitiveness.
School years did usually seem repetitive.
Excellent job overall with the poem!
I really like this poem! It is so good! I know it has most likely taken you a very long time indeed to complete and form, but hey, it's great! If there is anyone who disagrees with me then they defiantly have some strange issue that is so unknown to society. Oh well! We will tell them what's right! By the way, this poem is Amazing! The only issues i had was with some repeats in your selection.
I don't really like this. It's short and abrupt, (the lines) and seems to be just stating obvious, everyday things. Bo-ring! You used no imagery, really, and it didn't really seem to have much point till half-way through the poem. I didn't mind several of the later stanzas, and I liked the last one. You also seem to go in and out of rhyming. In some places it rhymes nicely, then in others its awkward, then in others it doesn't rhyme at all. I hope I don't sound really mean, or heartless! I think a lot of what I'm saying is just personal opinion, but I do think you could use this idea, expand it a bit, and make a much better piece. Also, fix up the rhyme issue, and take out those lines...
An exam.
Another year.
More exams.
Another year.
AND...
More exams.
Another year.
More exams.
Another year.
I just feel like you could really use this idea to make an AWESOME poem. You have a basic skeleton; add some flesh!
Hi! I really liked this piece. I loved the whole from baby to 16-year-old thing. Very imaginaive and sweet. However, some of your descriptions were awkward and a like cringe-worthy. A few examples
- eek...you definately need to re-work this stanza. Try some more inventive rhymes. Before this stanza, it flowed beautifully. This broke that flow, unfortunately.- You need to re-word this last part of your stanza. It's a bit cringy! Perhaps try:
Pretty girl
black dress
flash a smile
gain her interest
Hope those few suggestions help! Remember, keep writing!
~ Amelia