Ode To A Stronger Man

by TriO
  • October 26, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Lyrical

That I may become a stronger man;
That always seemed to be the plan,
to shed my fear, and shed my skin,
to come alive, and die within.

For that which I am can no longer be;
The weakest and most fragile part of me
will crumble and fade, and turn to dust,
in the unfeeling haze of my rebirth.

And I will be colder and nothing but true;
I'll never have remorse, no regrets of you,
nor show emotions, nor show any pain;
There'll be no space for love in this petty brain.

That I may become that stronger man;
That I will become that hardened man,
and never be hurt, with his shield at home,
forever so cautious - forever alone.

That I may say to that stronger man;
I plead cowardice.


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Please don't waste my time with one sentence reviews, just for a few extra points. It's not good practice.

Comments & reviews · 2
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missbookworm
Review
missbookworm wrote a review · Thu Oct 27, 2011 6:52 pm

This was really good! Definitely the best poem that I've read in this section so far. The only thing that I think could use some touching up is your second stanza. Somewhere in there you lost your rhyme scheme. Maybe there was a reason that you did it but it isn't apparent to me. Overall, this is a really good poem and I will definitely be reading and reviewing more from you. Kudos! Happy writing!
Jess

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StoryWeaver13
Review
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review · Wed Oct 26, 2011 11:45 pm

Wow, I really liked this. I have a couple typical issues with amateur rhyming poetry (not that I'm calling you "amateur," but like the rest of us young and a beginner ;) ) but you manage to dodge the common issues easily in this poem. It isn't sing-songy or maudlin, not torn down by the rhyme scheme but instead building up on it. My one complaint comes here:

will crumble and fade, and turn to dust,
in the unfeeling haze of my rebirth.
You've lost your rhyme scheme. But really, this poem was stellar, and the ending was brilliant.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver



Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li