Freedom of speech? Bah!
Next they'll tax the righteous
with some claim to command and
put power in those who don't understand
the constituency's care for the brethren.
It's all fine and well to have equality
among gender, among race, but
give a man voice; one voice for 'humanity',
never faulted, never oppressed,
for that is so wrong of us, to give him power with restraint.
If we have the rights to give rights,
are our rights right? Is our world built
on broken bricks that were left,
in the decline of captialism, and rise
of non-communal communists, seeking not to level the field,
but settle the scores, and avenge the past?
They have a cheek, to fly the flags high,
to claim a new counsel of 'prosperity' and 'freedom'.
We will be slaves of the colours; red, white and blue.
We will never be free of opression; the scales will always tip,
for mankind can never find peace in having his share of dominion and wealth;
for he must always seek more at another's expense.
----
So forget your ideals, your plans for the 'greater good';
as long as humanity exists to mankind, there can never be peace,
nor right, nor the power of faith in powers that be, for while
a hundred equal men can stand strong, there will always be one with ambition.
Ambition. I like that word;
applied to those who show 'courage', and 'hope';
'tis a farce. It's never applied to the ruthless,
to the unfeeling whores, bartering power for money.
Is it so wrong of me to say that? Am I in breach of
'my rights', to speak freely of 'my superiors',
and not fear the repercussions, for simply questioning the right?
I am just one man; one voice for humanity -
not the right one, but no less, I am that.
My resolve: questionable.
My argument: dismissable, for I am unique,
as you are unique to your ideals, your opinion,
your standing in good society, but therein lies the beauty
of our freedom.
Our freedom of speech empowers our thoughts, gives us faith,
gives us confidence in our ability to doubt.
It is what allows us to write our honest feelings;
our thoughts can never be repressed, and when we grow older,
we will carry our thoughts into a new world, not necessarily brighter,
but our minds will never dull of the possibilities for just one good idea.
----
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I can see the(what looks like without reading the spoiler) hypocrisy. I often question freedoms and there meanings. You did a good job at the start, but like you said, when you changed your idea, you lost it. Rewrite it, but keep some of those nice lines as mentioned by others, above. When you improve/rewrite, start out questioning it, or describing your beauty and belief in it, and then "talk" about the why/how they are beautiful or questionable. I am not the best poem writer, and thus I cannot, obviously, critique that well on the subject. Pardon me if I came of sounding a little conceited, that's not how I meant it, I'm just terrible at conveying my thoughts!
Overall, okay job. Needs a good amount of work, straighten out the chaos, but before you do anything, jot down all the interesting and good lines, try to build a rewrite with them. Don't lose your original thought. Take your original thought and express an emotion upon it instead of a belief, I think that is where my own problem lies. And know that because of your poem you have helped me!
--Shadowknight155
Though I like this, there is an immediate flaw to it- the length and vocabulary. In MY opinion, when you are writing something about a subject like this, it must be short and to the point and resist to prance around with thesarausy dialogue. I really liked this stanza though-
So forget your ideals, your plans for the 'greater good';
as long as humanity exists to mankind, there can never be peace,
nor right, nor the power of faith in powers that be, for while
a hundred equal men can stand strong, there will always be one with ambition.
In fact, I think you should have stopped here, "there will always be one with ambition." is an absolute line, that there will always, and it is pretty true-I think you lose effect when you go on asking questions and rambling.
Overall, a powerful idea, but it loses spunk with the lenght and words like "constituency" and "brethren" and "dominion" and "repercussion"- also I think that you should reign yourself in in the stanzas after ambition, if you still feel like keeping them.
Very powerful, but slightly pretencious, but all in all I agree with BlueAfrica that this could easily be turned into a pamphlet. And then you could ramble all you want and hammer home the idea, but a poem must be to the point and can't ramble on with questions and answers and what not.
A very powerful idea and a great 5th stanza that MUST NOT BE TOUCHED, just lengthy and I believe misplaced.
I liked this overall, although it seems almost more appropriate for a pamphlet (like "Common Sense," that sort of thing, you know) than a poem... The only thing is, I felt like it ended or should've ended at the penultimate verse. I got to the end of that verse, and it sounded and felt like the end...but then there was another verse. Just something to think about.
Good work!
~Blue