Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Run away into the black i see no use in coming back im here alone by myself of course i have friends but i refuse the help the death i feel the hollowed feeling has me questioning am i real and is the real or just some effect of a pill though i never took one maybe im delusional or in denile senile put to rest on exile i'll be here a while lost in a daze feeding me fear for endless days and the only words i can say are yes im fine yea im ok i'll mask my pain until i go insane but its too late im there but still i'll hold out from this game that leaves others unchanged but me deranged ive changed because i was needed to i need to help my mother even if it wasnt meaningful bashful and confuse my thoughts speak my inner truths of the things ive done in my fucked up youth im only 17 but have seen things meant to be unseen by children but fuck it theres me little me trying to stay tough for my family what else can i say what else can i be im loyal to my family even if it pains me it makes me cringe makes me binge on any form of freedom im allowed but all i do is fall out and ger lost with a smile on my face fighting my thoughts im here to help but im also lost i guess everything to me is a trial but how much longer can i live my life in a secret denile should i be gone or return the answer i'll never know but for ever year for i guess i'll pack my things and head out the door
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Hey, happy review day! Which seems a bit of an awkward thing to say in the review section of a poem like this.
I'm sorry that you felt obligated to write this, I'm 17 also and things can suck at this age. You have to be strong for your family when things get tough because you're almost an adult but you're also just a kid, a teenager that still has time left to be young. I won't say that I understand because every situation is different bit I can empathize with my own family struggles nowadays.
Now, empathy aside (maybe), let's get to the poem.
Reading this, it felt more like a rap, which can be poems as well, just in my head I heard music in the background and an accompaniment with Eminem or something. I liked it!
I think that that's probably due to the full, no break all flow structure of it.
I do feel like there may have been one or two places where uou may have missed words and there are some definite issues (my issues - pet peaves, you know how it is) with the I'm's and such. Maybe try taking it, splitting it into sentences and make sure it all works and then putting it back into this structure?
That's all for me this review day! Keep writing!
-joallover
Hello, Trevon, and welcome to YWS.
First of all, I can't say that I've been exactly in the situation of which the narrator of the poem speaks, but I understand the need to rip the feelings out of your own chest and plop it down on the page. The problem with this piece is that it's still got a little too much bleeding going on. It's a little too raw, too unfinished.
Poetry can come in any form, including this paragraph. However, because you use no punctuation at all and because you leave it in this chunk, it is very hard to read. I suggest you break up this poem using lines and stanzas. Most poets that rhyme choose to end the line after they rhyme with the previous line.
For example, I'd break up the first part like this:
If you do that to the whole poem, you'll already have something that's more pleasant to read.
I do appreciate the rhyme you use here. It reminds me more of a rap than a poem, but that's not a bad thing. You have quite a few misspellings, and I do encourage you to punctuate this piece like you would normally. It would help the reader understand where one thought ended and the next began.
There are a lot of small mistakes that I can point out to you if you would like me to at a later time, but I think that if you go through slowly (armed with the knowledge that "denile" is spelled "denial"), you'll be able to find most grammar mistakes on your own.
I enjoyed reading this piece, and I hope you continue to post and grow on YWS. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!
I appreciate the feedback, I usually write my stuff when I'm angry so I don't exactly go through and break them up, though I realize my work does seem clumped together and a mess. Again thanks for the feedback