I AM THE MAN THAT I SAY I BE
I AM THE MAN THAT I FACE AND SEE
I DO THINGS THAT I SAY I DO
BUT WHAT IF I SAY THE THINGS THAT I WANT TO SAY
BUT WHAT IF I SAY FORGET YOU IF I MAY
BUT I AM DOING THE THINGS THAT I SAY THAT I WILL
BUT WHAT IF YOU ARE THE MAN THAT KILLS HIMSELF WITH A PILL
BUT I AM NOT THE MAN THAT BEATS HIMSELF OVER THE HEAD
BUT I AM THE MAN WHOS INSIDES ARE DEAD
WHO ARE YOU, THE MAN WHO SAYS LOVE ME FOR ME
THE MAN WHO SAYS I AM WHO I BE
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE GET AWAY FROM ME
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Well, as said many times, you have to work on this poem. The idea is quite intriguing, and to be honest, I would like to read the poem after it is polished and worked out. I'm sure that it'll be quite impressive. And by the way, Caps, in addition that they're quite unnecessary here, can help only in the beginning of the lines =). Wishing all the best.
all of us are wearing masks,
though it's sad, i guess it's natural...:S
by lying to the world, we lie to ourselves.
but think about it,
people don't know who they are and maybe by "disguising" themselves they learn who they really are..?
i mean, maybe all these masks and disguisements are inseparable parts of us and we can't live without them..?
you know, i think this poem will explain what i'm meaning much better (i've written it in last april...)
And all those things beyond the mask
Today I'm sad; tomorrow I'll be happy,
And yesterday I was so cruel to you.
There is so much that you don't know about me
And all those things behind my mask…
Each day I hide the real me from the outside,
A different me, a side that you don't know about.
I'm wearing masks so you won't see the person,
Who cries and easily breaks down…
Disguising my identity so I will be a hero,
So I could rescue everybody from their grief.
I have no time to possess my own sadness,
I have no time to suffer and to scream out loud…
I have to be the best for everyone's around me,
I have to realize and carry out their dreams.
If you could only see what's underneath my body,
If you could only understand what's hidden deep in me…
I'm so exhausted of these never ending hideaways,
I wish that all of you would see me without the mask …
But wait a minute (!) Either I don't know who I really am now –
There's too much things beyond the mask…
(written by beyond the mask, me :])
as for me,i decided long ago to take off my mask and reveal the real me to world.
the only problem is that i'm not sure who i really am and i'm a little bit confused about it...
the only thing i do know, is that i've stopped living in a lie and i've started to search and find the lost pieces of the real me...
:] have a nice week and i wish you'll find what you're searching for
I'm going to say, like the others that the caps don't add anything here.
I dont think you really conencted the the reader very well, it was a bit bland in terms of organistation and thought.
Like Overeasy said, you are just telling here and not showing, I think it's important to create something the reader can see, they want to see things, not just be told them.
All the best,
Meevs
The first thing I would like to say is that the caps are adding nothing, and distracting from everything. Remove them if you want anyone to take this seriously. The second thing is that you need a focus, after reading a few times I can get a basic idea of where you are coming from, but when it comes down to it, not really.
I agree with the statement above about organization, that will help this poem. The base idea is good, but it needs polishing, and punctuation.
Sometimes, though very rarely, a poet can get away with using improper and/or no grammar at all, however this is not a poem that can pull it off.
The third thing, visual, visual, visual. Right now you are telling me something, I am sure you will hear from more than me, show us, don't tell us.
Paint me a picture, don't tell me a story. I want to feel what you are feeling, not hear about it.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes
OverEasy
Just to point one thing out, you need too reviews before posting work. Alright, now or a quick few suggestions.
1) I understand you are going for a bold statement, but all caps is never a good thing, so I would go with the proper rules for capitalization.
2) This goes with #1 , use punctuation and correct grammar.
3) I think you should work some on your flow and try to have two rhymes that rhyme be near equal in length.
4) You need to work on organization. The point of the poem isn't very clear to be honest. After reading it a few times, I do understand what you are trying to say, but you need to make it more clear.