Young Writers Society

This was actually quite good and you had a funky little rhyming scheme, although I find the scheme maybe a little too "happy" for the story behind the poem.

You had a very deep meaning that was really quite scary. It's not super original, but the twists that you put into it made it become your own, and that's always nice to see. The repition kind of got on my nerves, but ther next minute, I really liked it. Line five in stanza two didn't really fit in with the whole rythmn of the pome, and made it falter a little. I think it needs to have more syllables.

And the last two lines didn't really fit well with me. They put a dampener on the end of your poem but I can't really say way. This is because I'm not so sure how they do and i haven't a clue how you could improve it.

Hope this helps... To an extent,
Ginge

:]

Intense poem here... Very sad.

Your rhyming was nice, but your rhythm seemed a little choppy or uneven in some places. Have someone who has never read it read it out loud to you and you'll be able to hear the places where the rhythm doesn't work quite right.

The subject was one we have seen many times before, but I think that you did a good job with your poem and making it original. The repetition threw me off at first, but now that I reread, I like the way that it ties all of the stanzas together.

The only thing that really didn't work is the last two lines. I like them, but they don't rhyme and they are out of touch with the rest of the poem. Unlike the repetition of the rest of the poem, these two seem kind of individualistic. Perhaps if you made them rhyme, they would work a bit better, but right now, they seem kind of out of place, even though they do do a nice job of summing up the hopelessness of the poem...

*thumbs up* Nice job.

~GryphonFledgling

WOW.
Intense.
I really liked it.
I dont have much to say.
This almost mad me cry though soooo good job.

I am horrible at critiquing poetry because there really are no rules to poetry. BUT, since I read it, I am compelled to say something.

I liked this poem, for all it is sad/disturbing. =P It's pretty strait-forward, and unless I am insane, it ryhmes nicely. There's also a good rythme, which I think was only interupted in your last stanza and during the like about wearing the same shirt twice.

*claps* Nice work. Hopefully you'll get some more helpful critiques soon. =P

^_^ Keek!