Compartmentalizing

Hey Traves! I have to agree with liminality that the wordplay in this is quite entertaining and makes for a poem that not only has great sound, but also makes you think! My favorite phrase has to be your repeated chorus of "parting holes" / "apart in wholes" even just the concept of being "apart" while "whole/unwhole" feels a bit meta to think about, but I enjoyed the read.

Sound was right on point too!

Hi there! I thought this was a clever poem about compartmentalising feelings (or thoughts? in this case). It has this cold, logical tone that seems to portray compartmentalisation as disturbing. Simultaneously, I feel the speaker comes across as resigned to it somewhat, especially with the phrasing "it's easier".

1. The reason I say it's a 'clever' poem is probably how neatly the structure and wordplay fits into the theme. I liked the evolution of the repeated refrain from "to be parting wholes" to "to be apart in wholes". This sort of wordplay makes the process of compartmentalisation seem more insidious, subtle, almost unnoticed, as that's what is reflected in the language. This also applies to the enjambment effect between stanzas. At first, I was concerned it would disrupt the flow of the poem, but after reading it out loud, I was convinced. It really does give a sense of disassociation, which again conveys a slightly disturbing portrayal of compartmentalisation.

2. One thing that tripped my tongue up a little while reading it was the formality v.s. informality of words. I'm not sure if it's intentional, but somehow to me having more formal, high-handed words like "belittle" and "fore" said by the same speaker as "have a loud snore" reads a little bit abruptly. It's just a minor thing about word choices.

3. However, the imagery in general worked well. I liked how each image is centered around the idea of hiding or repressing, from turning out the lights to cages to 'behind the door'. My only concern was this bit: ". . . mind-lions reduced to foals". Does that mean "mind-lions" as in one image? Or was it supposed to be "It hurts your mind" em dash "lions reduced to foals"? Maybe clarifying that with the punctuation could help?

4. I loved the sound effects in this piece! There's a lot of harsh consonants - fitting with the theme. My favourite phrase was "collected shrieks of corrected souls". The repeated 'c' and 's' sounds help emphasise the parallels, yet contrast also the intense "shrieks" with deceptively calm "souls". I also like a few particular rhymed pairs here, such as "controls//wholes" and "store// before". They come across as unexpected, but natural, and sound great read aloud.

This piece is structurally and conceptually great. I just think it could use a wee bit of tweaking on the word choices, as I said, and that's the only thing. I like how cryptic and thought-provoking it is, and it's really interesting to think about how we deal with thoughts in this day and age. Hopefully you find some of these comments helpful.

Cheers!
-Liminality

Hey, nice poem!

Nice job writing a villanelle! I know how difficult those can be. You had some really good descriptions and comparisons, like where you say “putting the cages on display like a store”. That’s a vivid comparison with a lot of meaning behind it. I also like the line “in the collected shrieks of corrected souls”. There’s good alliteration there, and it has a lot of meaning. Personally, I interpreted it as the pain of people society has forced into being someone they’re not.
However, while there were a bunch of good lines in this poem, overall I didn’t really understand what you were trying to say. I have no clear idea of the theme or overall message. Are you talking about thoughts? It would seem so, but I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say about thoughts. For example, the line “we belittle the area a thought controls”. I don’t really get that. Are you saying, as a society, we “belittle” thoughts? Why did you mention “the area”? There are a lot of good lines with meaning in them, but I don’t really see the connection between them. How does “picking half wins to giving up some goals” relate to the “schism waiting behind the door”? I would suggest trying to make the theme of the poem clearer.