The sun peeks over the morning hills
while bluebells shiver and yawn.
Your eyes flutter open, swiftly to close;
a gentle moan leaves your lips.
Sunshine softly sparkles on the crisp grass.
The butterflies still cocoon together.
Light pokes through the gaps in the curtains
but we still sleep.
Early birds cheep sweet melodies,
their chant chimes on the kind wind.
I snuggle up to your warmth,
your aura of affection blanketing my body.
A feathery caterpillar wriggles
from under the fallen blossom.
I brush your hair off your face,
I wait eagerly for that first smile.
Excitable squirrels jump from tree to branch,
the woods are their playground.
We playfully tickle each other,
just before you lick my nose.
Proud robins dance in the air,
with eyes only for each other.
We take each other's hands,
I lie on your chest as you play with my hair.
A majestic kingfisher observes his river bank,
the suns spectrum of light glowing off the waters changing current.
Your glistening emerald eyes illuminate into animation,
but for a split second, they are shimmering sapphires.
Bold bumblebees buzz and hum in pollination.
Even the flowers frolic this afternoon.
Your lips are fragile petals;
I kiss them passionately.
The evening brings a cooling breeze,
sleepy Doves cuddling together to keep warm.
We stare up at the stars in the night sky.
I name the brightest one after you.
the world is at a standstill,
all but two moths basking in the twilight.
Our bodies are one, as our hearts beat as one,
The moon smiles upon us.
From the moment the day starts, you are immersed in my thoughts.
Living in a daydream where you're always at my side, and everything is brighter.
Our love is a delicate leaf drifting down a gentle stream,
so graceful as a gust lifts it up into the air;
the same way you pick me up when I'm down.
Your kindness and emotion towards me, a constant reminder of your continuous flow of love;
an unending yearn for your love that is never satisfied.
Your love is the moon that controls the ocean in my heart;
AHHHHHH. I started out on your team and I wanted to end on your team, but I think you maybe dragged this poem on for too long. :C A teacher I once had told me she was in a class where people just stopped reading her work if it lost their interest, and that really helped her learn when her writing was strong and when it wasn't. It made her really happy the first time they legitimately wanted to read her work all the way through. For that reason, I'll be honest about where I stopped and why, and you can do what you please with that information.
You had me halfway at the squirrels, and lost me completely at the kingfisher, because by that time I thought, "Well this is just a list of animals with lovey-dovey actions coming after it". When I think I can predict the rest of your poem and it doesn't make me want to keep reading to see the development, I stop reading.
Of what I read, I remember most vividly the first stanza. The butterflies cocooning together was a really great use of language. The bluebells bring a nice specific shock of color to the scene, too.
Overall, I'd strive to cut this down. What lines would you keep if you could only make this poem five lines long? Those are your strong and necessary points. Build out again around those and cut what you can! Keep strong imagery, but don't fall into a pattern that doesn't engage your reader!
Keep writing, keep editing, and good luck!
PM with any questions or comments about my review, please!
Hi Transcending,
I feel so peaceful and at ease, with all the bird buzzing around and all the playing. It seems beautiful and I loved it.
You've got some great imagery in there. The whole piece kind of makes me feel floaty and happy and kind of over the moon
The end left a bit much to be desired. All your other stanzas balance between wonderful detail and little detail. I kind of liked that feeling. It went from "Your lips are a fragile petal" to "I kiss them passionately." The first line has great detail and shows complexion, but then you go to stating a simple action. It kind of shows the two sides to a relationship. It's simple, but at the same time deep and personal.
Oh, I was supposed to be talking about the ending XD It has such a nice flow and rhythm throughout the whole poem. But in the final stanza it all gets too long, more like you wanted to write a paragraph that would summarise all you wanted in there. I think you cut down the sentences, or maybe split the stanza into two parts. Now, let's get into the last line. A very important part of any poem.
I didn't really like the use of punctuation at the end. I think it needs a full stop. Because with that symbol there, it seems like it's only part of a sentence, and more needs to be said. So I would change that to a full stop. And it seems like there is more you want to say after that. Like it wasn't the end. It didn't feel much like a conclusion, more like you were going to continue explaining what love felt like to her.
But this was a beautiful peace, and you really have a way with words. I'm interested to see what you'll write next!
Deanie x
Thank you for the review and your kind words
You are now the second person to say something against the ending, so I'll into a different ending I think 
I do feel like at the end I'm trying to write a conclusion; but I guess ill think to think of another way to end it.
As for the semicolon at the end of the sentence, you hit the nail on the head. I end all of my poems with a semicolon, even though this is technically and grammatically incorrect, i like to leave the reader feeling like there is always more. I don't really like the end of poems, so I always leave them open for the reader to make there own conclusions
Glad that you are looking forwards to what I next write, I think ill put another love poem up; but please feel free to have a read of my other poems
Thanks
Ahoy there, transcending!
I really liked this! You have quite a few really hard hitting lines that made me draw in my breath and think, this really is love. I liked your use of nature and your surroundings to continue the poem. Nice work.
There are a few things that could be tweaked to make your poem even better.
The first thing I'd like to address is the disjointed feeling that this poem has at some moments. As I said before, I like your use of nature and the surroundings, but since this is a love poem (it's entitled "for James," for heaven's sake. If it's not a love poem, I'll eat my hat), it should be focused more on the person than the surroundings. I'm not saying that every single line needs to be about him, but some of the lines feel out of the blue and non-sequitur. For example,
How does the kingfisher and the river connect to his eyes? My point is, make sure that there is a clear connection between the subject of the poem (James) and the images you create within the poem.
While repetition can be a powerful tool, here "still sleep" is repeated too close to itself and it could easily be changed so it's not so awkward looking.
This is probably personal preference, but I really hate the word "fluffy." It's the adjective that I used to use in MadLibs in second grade when I had no other adjectives. It's kind of boring, and I think you could come up with a much better word than "fluffy."
While looking through your poem, I found a lot of grammatical errors. I'll correct them below (corrections are in red, sentences that once were fragments, comma splices, or run ons will be contained in brackets).
As you can see, there were lots and lots of comma splices in there. If you don't like the conjunctions I added, you can easily change the comma where it splits into a semi-colon. Semi-colons are magical; they connect two related independent clauses without the need for a clumsy conjunction. I simply corrected the grammar the way I felt would sound the best.
Now let us speak of the last stanza. The whole poem is pretty good until we get there. When we get there, it gets mushy and runny, as sweet as melted ice cream, and just as sticky. In my opinion, the poem ends well with the moon smiling down on the couple. You should remove the last stanza to avoid making this nice love poem into something you don't want it to be.
The first line is great. I love it. But the second line ruins the effect. Not only do you use an adverb (you should avoid using adverbs most of the time (here is no exception (avoid using them by using more active verbs))), but you use "so." "So" used as anything other than a conjunction is not going to help your writing. It diminishes the effect of what you're saying, really, rather than augmenting it. A more descriptive line would serve the poem better here. For example, I might say, "Your lips are fragile petals, / trembling at my touch." Something like that.
If it's nighttime, owls aren't going to be sleepy. Just thought I'd point that out. Use a different bird. Doves, perhaps? They symbolize love anyway. Might as well throw them in there.
Best line in the whole poem. Perfect.
Apart from the fact that you should make "moth" plural, this line isn't cutting it for me. It's not really needed; you could probably take it out without much effect to the poem.
Altogether, this is pretty good. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to PM me. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy poeting!
Hello Magpie
Thank you for the review, and thank you very much for correcting my grammatical errors. One of my main downfalls is my grammar haha.
I'm glad that you were about to read the poem and think 'this really is love,' it makes me feel like I did the job
I do agree with you on the kingfisher line, however the line is more about the river and how it flows, because the next sentence is about just that; so its more about the river and how the water shines, like his eyes; that is the relation. But i do think kingfisher might have been a stretch to far haha.
I have changed the double use of 'still sleep' now.
I really liked the word fluffy because I haven't used it in any of my other poems, I don't really see it was a childish word, however I have changed it for feathery which I prefer ^.^ I think that caterpillars are often fluffy and quite often feathery almost.
I have corrected my grammatical errors where in a way that I feel makes more sense. Thank you for pointing them out.
I have removed 'so' from 'I kiss them so passionately'.
I have changed 'owls' for 'doves' been that that makes a lot more sense.
I don't really know what to say to you about the last stanza, I feel like it was a conclusion summing up the poem, and i like the last line far to much to just get rid of it, so its staying unfortunately.
Thank you for the review