Just another bit of another story....

Wow, that was really good!
It was short, but stil good.
But in the short part, not only did it make me laugh (it's a good thing), but it also made me want to know more about the story....
Really, it's good... If you post something else, let me know please! =-D

Tranquility wrote:hey guys, this is just a random section in a story I am TRYING (note trying) to write, I find stories really difficult, and as you'll probably notice I can drag on a bit, but this is my first attempt so be kind. Its somewhere near the beginning but is one of the first things I wrote about it....Thanks!

I'll do my best!

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As I was deciding what the appropriate response to that would be, I walked straight into what can only be described as a walking wall.
Alright, I know this is the beginning, but I have a comment. Throughout the rest of the scene there isn't any mention of anyone else other than Zack and Essa. Who was she talking to and why did she just walk away from this person? Why didn't they help her when she ran into Zack? Why does she leave without them?

I looked up, and up, and up, until I finally stopped on some eyes. That’s the first thing I saw, large, chocolate brown eyes on the most perfectly carved face I had ever seen. It was a bit like in those ridiculous old romances I used to read when I was about twelve, where they describe the “hottie” by saying he looks like a Roman God.

I mean, who even knows what Roman Gods look like anyway? They were never seen, so really they should say that he looks like the best image of a man that the Romans could put into stone. And this is exactly what I had just walked into…a walking version of the Roman’s imagination. Yet to my surprise, even when faced with this perfect being, I didn’t feel anything apart from….well, nothing.

“Sorry, sorry, my bad! Really sorry 'bout that.”

I was stumbling over my words in my haste to get them said, the Roman “creation” looked deep in some life changing thought and I didn’t want him to get angry with me. He also, strangely, looked a bit sad. I started trying to back off quietly.

“Hey, are you ok?” I believe the proper spelling of "ok" is "okay". It's fine both ways, but that's the proper spelling.

“I’m fine, thanks, don’t worry about me.”

“You’re the new-girl.” As this was a statement I didn’t think I needed to reply, that is, until I saw that he was still looking at me.

“Ummm… yes, I’m Essa.”

“I’m Zack.”

“Hey....Zack. Nice meeting you.” Yet again I tried to escape. He was staring very intently. To my surprise this time he let me go, although I could feel his eyes on my back as I walked away.

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I walked into her, although I probably wouldn’t have noticed if I hadn’t heard a squeak. She was so small comma she looked as though I could break her with one hand. Her blonde hair was flying everywhere and her gorgeous blue eyes were wide and scared. Of me?Perhaps adding something like "because" in front of "of me" might make this a little clearer.

Just in case it was, I tried to talk to her a bit, period besides, I wanted to know her name; she was small and looked like she needed a friend. Strangely enough comma that’s exactly what I felt like being,instead of a comma, it should be a colon her friend. She still looked scared as she backed away. I couldn’t help but stare as she did, she really was pretty.
You repeat that she's small and scared a lot. You might want to take out some of that.

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Please comment! Thanks!
T