Published August 11, 2010
When I saw your face in this magazine
My heart leapt with joy
At first I thought that this might be so unreal
But my heart went out to you boy
We were miles apart and so different
I live to earn while you live to spend
But because of you I learned to believe
That someday we'll be able to meet.
Now I realize
That I just have to believe
That we'll come face to face
And get on to find our destiny.
You're an actor, I'm just a waitress
You're a star, I'm just a black hole
You're rich, I'm finding means
You're famous, I'm just your fan.
I always make you my inspiration
Through the times when I'm feeling oh so blue
You made me work hard to reach my destination
But many people tried to push me around
Despite that, when seeing your face I felt light inside
Years and years I've found my way
Finally to see and be with you.
Right now I'm moving up
People were surprised to see where I am now
Finally I could be with you
For the moment that I've been waiting for has finally come.
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,389 Reviews
Hey, it's Shadow!
The only thing I saw wrong was here. I think "leapt" should be "leaped".This was really, really good though, other than that, but I might be the only one to think it should be changed.
~xX~Forsakinshadow~Xx~
That has some major flow issues in my mind, as you can see I've marked the number of syllables in each line in red next to them. It seems like you're mostly centering the line syllable count around 10, so I'd suggest just cleaning up your lines a bit, so it can flow better. A good way to test it is by reading the lines out loud to yourself, and seeing what doesn't flow well, because sometimes reading it in your mind doesn't do as good of a job as it should.
Like I said above, sometimes syllable count makes a big impact on the flow.
I suggested a few words you could include in this stanza to help the flow, but I like how this stanza goes
Once again, I've shown a few words you could include to really just help this flow.
And once again a few more correction suggestions.
I really like the poem, it shows the perils and thoughts behind a girl who wants to be with someone, when it seems impossible that it will ever happen. You've also forgotten to punctuate all your stanzas, and I know you're probably thinking "But it's poetry," but grammar still does exist in the poetry world.. Remember, my corrections were only suggestions, and if you don't like how I changed it, you can take it a different direction, but I really do think if you fixed the flow, it could be so much better. Good luck and have a super-fantastic day ^.^
Hey Chera, Gsp here! I'll be reviewing this for you today.
And now, the usual warning...
I have a tendency to rip stories to shreds and nitpick. I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but really, I'm just trying to help.
And, with that said, on to the review!
Looks pretty good. I don't have much to say here.
This one seems really short compared to the previous one, but other than that, thumbs up.
I had to read the second line twice before I got its meaning. When I did, I was like; "... that's a really good analogy." So... yeah. That's a really good analogy. xP
Woah, this one's longer than the rest, like the first one. I like this stanza, not much to say about it in particular.
The last line is longer than the others. I think this'd be good if you lengthened it, maybe describe her "moving up" in a little more detail? Just a suggestion.
Overall, I like this a lot. However, I think it needs more punctuation. Commas are very useful, you know.
I could be wrong, though. I don't know much about poetry.
Happy YWSing!
~Gsp
Hiya Trace_Chera. I read your poem "Sabrina" and this and liked them both. I couldn't find spelling errors or grammar errors.
"Oh so blue" sounds cliche. (The "oh so" part does anyway.)
That's all from me. I hope you write more and PM me when you need any help.
~Ladypurple.