Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
A loud, violent knock echoed through my small studio apartment followed by muffled shrills. I opened my dark blue eyes and whipped my face away from the burning sun. After a few moments passed a groan escaped my mouth and I rolled out of bed. I stumbled through the studio until I finally reached my door. With a long sigh, I reached for the locks and let in Madam Pearl. Without a word she shot passed me and sat herself on my couch. Her greased hair pinned up, revealing her plump face. Lines followed her jaw line ear to ear and her eye shadow nearly reached her brows. A chuckled vibrated through me. She has more money than anyone I know yet she powders herself as if she's the prostitute. I walked towards my bed and grabbed a male's large button down shirt. I quickly wrapped it around my bare body and sat across from the woman. "Madam, why have you come here so early?" my voice rasped from sleep.
"Eloise. Darling, it seems I have terrible news for you..." her deep voice quivered. I cocked my head, as I opened my mouth to question her but she jumped to speak again, "It's you're sister, Rose...She...She's gone missing..."
"What d'ya mean missing? Like Louise and Catherine?" I could hear my heavy southern accent escape my mouth. Madam turned her head as she nodded softly, I could feel a tear burn down my cheek. I knew that the past few weeks my 'co-workers' and others that work in the same line have rapidly declined. Women disappeared for two or three days and their lifeless bodies were then found in riverbeds and gutters. I was never close to my sisters, actually, It was the complete opposite. They completely despised me, but they were the only family I had left. "When did this happen?" There was a long pause while madam held back the tears.
"She went off with someone the night before last, and she never came into work last night." Gingerly she grabbed my hands, "Now, darling...I know that you weren't too close to Rose...But now that she is," She choked on her words, "...gone...I am calling a meeting tonight. Everyone is coming into work tonight so please be there on time."
Without a word she harshly stood and escorted herself out. I sat in silence, my mind racing, my heart pounding. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. I felt another tear burn itself down to my chin. Slowly, I stood myself up and made my way to the bathroom; I turned the knob on my shower and stripped. My eyes scanned my body as the shirt fell off of me. I felt myself frowning once again when my eyes reached my face. What a beautiful face ruined by the hideous orange freckles that scattered ever so lightly under my eyes and across my nose. Of course, my eyes then found my bright orange-red hair. My face burned with fury. With a low growl, I turned my body and stomped into the shower. My mind still raced, trying to find a way to save my sister. I knew it was hopeless. There was only one more thing I could do and that was protect my second eldest sister, Ruby. With some hope I walked out of the warmth into the chilled air. With no hesitation I dressed myself and left to find my sister.
After a 20 minute walk, I arrived at her door and knocked harshly, "Ruby!" I called, "Let me in, It's important..." I sat for a minute before calling again, "God Damn let me in!" I knocked harder. Another minute passed before I reached for the handle. Unlocked. It wasn't really that much of a shock. Ruby was never one to lock her door. She let her customers in and out whenever they please. I guess that would explain her one bedroom one bath. I scoffed at the thought and rushed in. I stopped immediately. The sun beamed through the window, highlighting what appeared to be blood on the floor. It looked as though someone dragged a profusely bleeding body through the living room. I stumbled a few steps toward her bedroom, my eyes stuck to the stains on the floor. When I reached the door, I forced myself to look away. I slowly opened her bedroom door. It was pitch black. I slowly felt for the switch and clicked the light on. There lay both my sisters' bare-naked, lifeless bodies. I couldn't catch my breath and I immediately started to panic. I backed out of the room, "Help...." I whispered as I turned towards the front door, "Help." My call got louder, "Help!" My voice cracked as I quickened my pace out of the apartment. A man ran up to me after my screams reached him. I pointed to the room; I was soon hysterical from what had happened.
I feel as though I blacked out. I faintly remember the man trying to comfort me, the questioning from the cops and when Madam Pearl came to get me. Next thing I remember I was at Madam's home; co-workers coming up to give me their condolences. I looked up at the crowd; I couldn't let them see me like this. Since I was 9, Madam had always told me that when I work no one should ever see me at my most vulnerable. I stood sharply, and climbed onto my chair.
"I don't need sympathy from any of ya' Saps, ya' hear?" My voice seemed deeper, more lifeless. "I didn't come here for this. Madam has more ta' say than I do. Now, get on." I flicked my hand away towards Madam, who stood at the front door. Madam smiled, obviously not pleased with my announcement. The women awkwardly turned to Madam.
"Thank you...Eloise..." She sighed, "We all know what's happening. We have a serial murderer going around. He is attacking those that are like us. I did some research today, It seems that it's not just my girls who are disappearing. Henry from the next city over had this problem a month ago. I can only assume it's been happening for a while. This brings me to a new rule. Until the murders have appeared to stop I want all of my girls to only do house calls with our usual. No one from out of town. No one you do not know. I cannot afford to lose any more girls." She sighed as she scanned the crowd. "Now, go get ready for tonight. You should all have work." She shoed the girls, and then pointed to me, "You. Office. Now." I sighed and followed her.
As I sat in the chair across from her desk she closed and locked the doors. "El, I have a very important job for you." She walked her way to her chair, "I know you may not be in the mood...but it's not like they care any way. Billy Russell, I'm sure you remember him, has made a special call for you. He is our number one customer. He requested you dress in your best attire and meet him at his home." I squinted with confusion and she chuckled, "The family is out of town. He had to stay home for business, of course." I sighed and nodded. She smiled back while I stood and made my way to my dressing room.
I left Madam's mansion in my best attire. My fiery straight hair cut in a straight-edged bob with straight bangs to match it. I wore a black, straight flapper dress that hid my curves underneath which ended right before my knee (which was highly frowned upon). I slung a black shawl around my shoulders and then lit up a ciggy. I walked from street to street constantly looking over my shoulder, terrified to get pounced upon. It was late but there were still many people out at parties. I can only assume that is where Billy Russell was taking me. Suddenly I bumped shoulders with another; I looked up without a word. I stared deeply into the man's eyes. They were brown, but in the shadows they seemed dark as night. He was a tall, dark and handsome kind of type. I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment, so I turned away and tried to walk off. He grabbed my arm and I gasped as my eyes fell onto his again.
"What's eating you, doll?" His voice was comforting. It was deep yet soft. I nearly melted.
"Everything is Jake." I replied. My voice soft.
"Where are you headed?" He questioned, "Maybe I could give you a ride..." I scoffed.
"Why you're nothin' but a drugstore cowboy. Dry up." I pulled my arm away. My brows pushed together, confused. The man shrugged and turned away. I watched as he walked a few feet from me. I couldn't resist. My heels clicked down the street behind him, "Wait. I'll take that ride." He turned and smiled and continued walking. I followed him to his car and hopped into the passenger side.
"Where do you live?" He asked, starting the engine.
"I can't go home." He turned his head confused. "I don't have one." I lied. He didn't drive off and he sighed.
"I have room where I'm staying...If you need somewhere to stay." He looked towards me. Again, I caught myself gazing into his eyes. I nodded. With another soft sigh he drove off. We drove in silence for about ten minutes before he pulled into a hotel lot. It took me a minute to figure out where we are. He stepped out of the car and waited for me to exit as well. I stepped out and looked to the hotel than back to him.
"You're from out of town...?"
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Hi! Just have a few comments.

"After a few moments passed a groan escaped my mouth and I rolled out of bed": Should be a comma after "passed"
"She has more money than anyone I know yet she powders herself as if she's the prostitute": This should be in italics if it's a thought. If it's just more description, make sure to keep it in past tense.
"to question her but she jumped to speak again": Need a comma after "but"
"Madam turned her head as she nodded softly, I could feel a tear burn down my cheek.": Should be a semi-colon instead of a comma.
Third Paragraph: Do her sisters work with her? What do her co-workers disappearing have to do with her sister?
"gone...I am calling a meeting tonight. Everyone is coming into work tonight so please be there on time.": Don't repeat the word tonight.
Fifth Paragraph: The part where the narrator appraises her face seems kind of random, you might want to break the paragraph up into smaller sections.
"I slowly opened her bedroom door. It was pitch black. I slowly felt for the switch and clicked the light on.": Don't repeat slowly, try a different descriptor.
"feel as though I blacked out. I faintly remember the man trying to comfort me, the questioning from the cops and when Madam Pearl came to get me. Next thing I remember I was at Madam's home; co-workers coming up to give me their condolences.": You switch to present tense here, make sure you stay consistent.
"Madam smiled, obviously not pleased with my announcement.": Why is she smiling if she's not pleased? Also, you might want to try substituting something for Madam, such as a pronoun, because it gets repetitive after a while.
"today, It seems": Don't capitalize the word "it"
"calls with our usual.": Did you mean "usual customers"?
"My fiery straight hair cut in a straight-edged bob with straight bangs to match it.": Did you intend to use "straight" so many times? It sounds a bit awkward this way.
"I wore a black, straight flapper dress that hid my curves underneath which ended right before my knee (which was highly frowned upon)": "I wore a black, straight flapper dress that hid my curves, and ended right before my knee" just a suggestion to make this flow, and make more sense.
"Everything is Jake.": Comma after "is"
Okay, overall comments
-Instead of using so many periods, try combining sentences with commas and semi-colons. It sounds very choppy in some spots.
-Things moved very quickly from scene to scene. Possibly add a bit more "stream of consciousnesses" to your writing to break it up a bit. Also, describing the setting would help with this.
-Towards the end, the narrator was supposed to be meeting a client, but then just heads off with a random individual. Why? Describe their relationship a bit more, why does she take off with him?
I like where you're headed with the murderer here, just elaborate on some details! Your basic structure is great, but you need to work on flow. Let me know if you have any questions!
Hi! Wow, this is really great! First off I guess I will start by welcoming you to YWS, I'm also a new(ish) member here. Sorry if this comes off a little rushed or weird, it's late and i'm tired. I don't understand why you haven't received any reviews on this piece so I guess I'll have the honor of being the first reviewer.
I don't have much to say in terms of grammer, it all seems very grammatically correct. In terms of plot, it seems very interesting and I definitely want to read more. The dialogue I think comes off being very smooth and connected. I think you could lay off with the (...) a little, sometimes they just seem to be there unnecessarily, don't worry I seem to over use them a lot too. Your use of the first person point of view is really professional and polished, I have no complaints there. I guess if I had to change one thing, it would be that I want to know more about the main character because she comes off as almost emotionless and you could describe how she's feeling relative to everything around her a little better so she becomes more relatable and it gives your story more emotion.
Again sorry if this review comes off weird, but I hope you get the general idea of what I'm saying. I hope you continue to write and I will definitely be here to read and review future chapters (I will try not to review those ones so late)
I have to say thank you so much! All of that is actually great to hear! I know I use '...' a lot. I use it in everyday typing, ahaha. Oh, and reason Eloise seems emotionless has to do with her background, which is explained in the second chapter.
Not bad, i like it and i'm looking forward to chapter 2
Thank you