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What Your Child Sees (Short Story Draft)

by ToxicAnglerFish


You know, I always wondered, how come parents don’t ever really think about the things their kids say? More specifically, before bedtime? How kids say things like,

“Mommy, I think there’s a monster underneath my bed…”

“Daddy… I see something in the corner of my room…”

“I saw s-something at the end of my bed!”

Things like that, ya know? These parents always chalk it up to their kid’s “Imagination” or having had a recent nightmare that shook them to their core, well that’s not the case, not one, little, bit. Kids are always taken as having overly active minds, or just even making things up to a little bit extra bit of love and attention from their parents before bed. What if I told you, those monsters are real, that there really is something in the corner of their room? Well, that because there is, and now you may ask, what is it then? The creatures that haunt your poor little child every night are beings of another world, something beyond the human comprehension of reality, beyond their worlds. These creatures take shape of what your child fears most, how do they know this though? They watch your child every, single day, all their moves, what they love and don’t love, and most of all, what they fear, stalking them like the prey they are like the predator the creature is. Whether that is their parents, or a spider, or something they saw on t.v, they used it to their advantage, however, these creatures love turning into things the child loves the most and making it their worst nightmare. Then when its night, these creatures come out from the opening from their world where ever they may be and travel through the house at night. They are the reason why the house creaks and makes noises of mystery at night, why the parents say,

“It’s just the house resting honey, there are no monsters in the house tonight”

“How does a house rest mommy?”

“Even houses need to sleep sometime my darling…”

And as the creatures walk up to the room, with a child awake inside with a frightened mind and racing heart, they slowly open up a purposely quietly creaking door, the predator closing in on their unaware prey. They mess with the child in subtle ways, by blending in with the shadows but being only slightly blacker to see their outline, they might paralyze the child to make them stare at the creature as it slowly walks up the foot of the bed, taking on whatever form they need to accomplish their needs. Whatever the case may be, they terrify the child in the end and make them sleepless for a few nights, and make the parents let the child sleep in their bed, or whatever things parents do. They do this every, single, night, till every last bit of joy and comfort is drained out of them, and they disappear. Do you ever wonder about the cold cases where children have suddenly disappeared? Where they are never found and the parents cry and sob? That’s because the child was taken and eaten by these creatures, they are drained of all the happiness, it removes the candy-like sweet and pure taste these children have, and turns them as sour as the parents who lost their children become as they either weep or divorce each other, it’s their favorite taste. Then the creatures start roaming other houses once more, starting the twisted cycle of life all, over, again.

Now, when you put your child to bed, and you tuck them in tight and leave their room, I would recommend to go back in there and sit in their room. Sit in there and close your eyes, and open them twice, and then look in the corner, you will see me there, now, don’t be scared. Don’t worry, you aren’t my prey and you’re not in my food chain, but your child is.


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237 Reviews


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Mon Jun 29, 2020 11:47 pm
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there!
Wow, this is quite a dark, sinister, and twisted story! The ending was quite spooky; I enjoyed that twist! You did a good job making this story dark and scary. I enjoyed reading it! I have a few things I'd like to point out, if you don't mind :)

Things like that, ya know?


I'm curious about your choice to use "ya know" since it's an informal phrase. I'd personally change it to "you know" unless you're going for a more informal approach.

These parents always chalk it up to their kid’s “Imagination” or having had a recent nightmare that shook them to their core, well that’s not the case, not one, little, bit.


You don't need to capitalize "Imagination" unless you're trying to personify it (if that's the case, then pardon me). Also, this is a run-on sentence, which can easily be fixed by replacing "well" with "but" so it reads "...core, but that's not the case..."

or just even making things up to a little bit extra bit of love and attention from their parents before bed.


I think it would sound better if you said" for a little bit of extra love.." instead of "to a little bit extra but of love..." It's a bit wordy as it is now.

What if I told you, those monsters are real, that there really is something in the corner of their room?


You don't need a comma after "What if I told you"

Well, that because there is, and now you may ask, what is it then?


I think you could scratch this sentence, at least the former part, because in the previous sentence you already implied that the monsters are real.

These creatures take shape of what your child fears most, how do they know this though?


A run-on sentence; you can split it into two or put a semicolon instead of a comma after "most"

They watch your child every, single day, all their moves, what they love and don’t love, and most of all, what they fear, stalking them like the prey they are like the predator the creature is.


The very last section of this sentence doesn't read very well; it's a bit hard to understand. Maybe make it into its own sentence?

Whether that is their parents, or a spider, or something they saw on t.v, they used it to their advantage, however, these creatures love turning into things the child loves the most and making it their worst nightmare.


Ooh, very dark and sinister. Another run-on sentence. I'd put a semicolon after "advantage." Also, you use present tense throughout the story, but then switched to past tense with the verb "used" in "...they used it to their advantage..." I would change it to "use" to remain consistent in your tense.

Then when its night, these creatures come out from the opening from their world where ever they may be and travel through the house at night.


I'd rewrite it as "Then when it's night, these creatures come out from the opening from their world, wherever that may be, and travel around the house at night."

“How does a house rest mommy?”


Since the speaker is using "mommy" as a name, it needs to be capitalized to "Mommy" and needs a comma before it.

They mess with the child in subtle ways, by blending in with the shadows but being only slightly blacker to see their outline, they might paralyze the child to make them stare at the creature as it slowly walks up the foot of the bed, taking on whatever form they need to accomplish their needs.


I would start a new sentence at "They might paralyze..."

That’s because the child was taken and eaten by these creatures, they are drained of all the happiness, it removes the candy-like sweet and pure taste these children have, and turns them as sour as the parents who lost their children become as they either weep or divorce each other, it’s their favorite taste.


This is quite a long sentence, and in my opinion, hard to read. I recommend splitting it into several sentences.

Overall, this is a dark and twisted story that you delivered quite well. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope this helped!




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Sat May 23, 2020 8:48 am
thepages wrote a review...



Okay i like your ending, for a moment i thought the narator war the angel, only to realise he's the devil, nice twist there.
My fav. phrase is "why, the parents say, it's just the house resting honey, there are no monsters in the house tonight."
for the critique, mostly it's fine, just afew subtle changes maybe like "...they watch your child every single day, all their moves...stalking them like the (i find this "the" unnecessary) prey, they are like the predator the creature is. (even this sentence after "prey," you could remove "they are" so its "prey, like the predator changing into the children's worst of fears, maybe their parents, some thing they watched on tv..." so here i've joined the predator sentence with the one where you show what the child might fear.
Other than that i like the pace of this work, it kind of builds alittle tension as i try to figure out what's with the monsters and then it's the narrator himself, nice work




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Tue May 19, 2020 3:56 am
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Jillian275 says...



Wow. Just wow. This story was both fascinating and terrifying. When I was little, there really were monsters in my room, monsters that hid the moment I called for Mom or the second I opened the door. The story captures the fear that a child feels, the desperation when their parents don't understand. It's fantastic.
The ending blew me away, and the warning was a good way to go.
Great job.




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Points: 138
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Tue May 19, 2020 3:55 am
Jillian275 wrote a review...



Wow. Just wow. This story was both fascinating and terrifying. When I was little, there really were monsters in my room, monsters that hid the moment I called for Mom or the second I opened the door. The story captures the fear that a child feels, the desperation when their parents don't understand. It's fantastic.
The ending blew me away, and the warning was a good way to go.
Great job.





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