Young Writers Society

Dear ToxicAnglerFish, these memories of childhood haunt me as well, and that's why I particularly liked this piece.

I found only one technical fault here. You mingled past and present tense a number of times. Use a single tense instead.

I really loved the idea of the story. Plus, the twsit with the box of happiness in the end was great.

Keep writng.

I'm going to review this bit by bit but over all, I really liked it.

First I like how you grab the readers attention with an action.

"As I open up the mysterious box that glittered with intrigue that spoke to me with innocent and comforting intent within my mind,"

I would rewrite this to get rid of the extra "that"

As I open up the mysterious box that glittered with intrigue and spoke to me with innocent, comforting intent within my mind, I see all the happy memories from my childhood.

"I remember how happy, carefree I was before I grew older"

maybe italicize carefree to add stress to the word

"I smile warmly to myself as thoughts of playing and enjoying my self back then flood back to me now."

I would rewrite as

I smile warmly to myself as thoughts of childish enjoyments flood back to me now.

or some thing like that

also
"I remember how I wasn't always so cynical and constantly seeing the world for its problems and insincerities,"

as
I remember how I wasn't always so cynical, just constantly seeing the world for its problems and insincerities,

And lastly

"bittersweet memories of being free and having adventures"

as

bittersweet memories of adventures and the feeling of freedom it gave.

Those are the only spots I thought needed some revision. I like your short story and it did bring back some nostalgia for me. I dont really know how to review but those were just some things I thought would make the piece a little better. I hope you have a great day/night!

Hello! I'm going to try to bear in mind that this was just a small writing exercise for a class, but I'll leave my relatively light criticism here anyway

The first issue lies with your tense control. In a few places, you've jumped from the present tense to the past tense -- even occasionally within the same sentence! Carefully re-reading your work should help pick these out, and it's important that you do, because tense mess ups are one of the few parts of writing that can actually be straight up wrong! Pick a tense and stick with it (i think present tense works well here). After you a write a sentence, read it over and see if it's in the correct tense. This'll eventually become second nature, but it's a really important skill to develop

Second, I think your writing is lovely to read in general. You have very flowery vocabulary, which really helps in a piece like this, and your pacing and sentence control is great too. However, it's worth noting that the second half of your piece is noticeably better than the first. This is likely due to the warm-up effect, where you don't write as good just after you begin for the day, but get better as time goes on. Now, since this is just a writing prompt for a class, you probably don't care that much, but for future writing, it would be a good idea for you to adopt drafting. After you write a story go back to the beginning and re-write it! Sounds tedious, I know, but the result is that you'll probably make it even better since you've already warmed-up. Try it the next time you write something important

That's really all the criticism I have. Your story was well-written and creative, and the ending actually toyed with my emotions, which isn't something that writing class prompts often manage to do! You have wonderful descriptions and mental imagery, and it's clear that you're a good writer!

Hi, ToxicAnglerFish!

This was a pithy and pensive short story that I truly enjoyed reading. Your descriptions and language are lovely. I absolutely love your take on the prompt: it was so meaningful! I'm not sure if you want a review of this piece, but here's one.

As I open up the mysterious box that glittered with intrigue that spoke to me with innocent and comforting intent within my mind, I saw all the happy memories from my childhood. I see so many memories flashing among the vast fields of my mind, they do a dance of blissful joy and young ignorance.

I see so many memories flashing among the vast fields of my mind, they do a dance of blissful joy and young ignorance. I smile warmly to myself as thoughts of playing and enjoying my self back then flood back to me now.

My memories keep twirling and moving as I remember how I wasn't always so cynical and constantly seeing the world for its problems and insincerities, this makes my melancholy into a sadness I soon began to recognize.

I begin to close the box but it forces its self-open as more bittersweet memories of being free and having adventures begin to do an unhappy stomp within me.

I soon notice the tears falling down my face as I finally forced the box closed as the stomping suddenly stops.

I now sit within the dark, quiet, empty fields within my mind.