Published June 6, 2011
She walks the straight and narrow,
Never turning to the left or right
Those behind her follow.
Her burdens become heavy.
While, theirs become light.
Her pace long and direct;
Never losing steam.
in the face of her body screaming.
She walks the straight and narrow, now in despair.
Losing a battle, she was never meant to share.
All she gives and none she rakes.
The support offered, she refuses to take.
Followers have now become bystanders.
They watch, as she sinks beneath the burdens they have made.
She denies her family, walking her same tread.
Little does she know they are slowly slipping away.
She walks the straight and narrow;
Family lost, eating her dust.
Followers still clinging,
Like parasites to an emotional vine.
She won't slow down.
Neither looking to the left, right, or behind.
Family still searching in her sea of "no's"
She walks the straight and narrow.
With no looking back.
~Toto25
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hiya,
First of all, my overall impression is that this is a very good poem. It has good solid foundations and lots of potential. I liked the general idea of the poem and walking the "Straight and narrow" may not always be as easy as it seems. You portrayed that very well.
Make sure you keep your stanzas clear and each one meaning something different. I noticed that you repeated an idea more then once. I actually like the repetition of the main line and title, it flowed quite well with this poem.
My only nitty pick would be that your ending could have been a little stronger...like a bold statement rather than a predictable and slightly cliche line. I know it sounds a bit mean, but you have to make your poem stand out from others in a crowd. You have to make it mean something that people are quite shocked by. I always say that an excellent poem is a poem that catches the readers eye, and makes you silent when you come to the end of it.
This was really good though, keep writing!
HAYLEY xx
Thanks for the review!
I will definitely try what you guys are suggesting.
Good Job,
I do agree with Sassy.
Reading it allowed would also show you rhythm but otherwise, great job. Well Done
I would like to see more of your work, and i will be checking out your other works too as i thoroughly enjoyed. Very Well done.
--- Black Ink x.
Woooooow. I am in sheer awe of your writing ability. Waaaaaaaooooowwwwwww. *clicks Like*
The only thing I would recommend is reading it out loud to yourself. You have some commas that make unnatural pauses and reading it will help with the flow more.
Other than that, incredible job. Looooved it.