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Thunderfleece Ch-2 – Tail of the Silver Wolf Pt.1

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Tail of the Silver Wolf

Part One: Crossroad of words and wanders



“Are we there yet?” Twynk asked, gazing at his mother with obvious impatience.

She giggled in return, shaking her head. “How many times did you ask?”

“Thirty-seven times in total!” Twynk exclaimed proudly.

The mother’s gaze froze for a split-second, as her question had only meant to be rhetorical, and certainly not answered precisely. “Come now, you didn’t need to keep count.” she said softly. And as she expected, her son’s grin grew larger, he let out a happy giggle and said: “But it’s fun!”

She smiled tenderly. “Is there anything you don’t find fun?”

“I don’t know yet…” Twynk admitted, thoughtful. “The Tale-Tellers say that death isn’t fun, but I’m not sure how it works. Should I ask them, Mommy?”

“I’ll tell you about it myself, when you’re older and wiser. But I think you’ll find Arjenla to your liking.”

Twynk’s eyes widened with glee. “Really?”

“Oh, yes. It serves as a vast crossroad for different sub-species of Locksheeps during our migrations. It’s useful for both replenishing our food reserves, and, well... Defend ourselves against the Taeyen, too.”

Twynk titled his head. “What’s a crossroad?”

His mother gazed back at the road. “Don’t worry, Twynk. The answer to that question is near.”

Though his excitement had risen, Twynk made sure to keep it to himself – after all, his mother had used one of their coded sentence, and that one expected only silence in return. So, they kept on advancing, surrounded by the security of their flock. The rest of the trip, luckily, did not last long, as a few minutes after the conversation fell in silence, Twynk noticed a shift in terrain. The grass was different – the soil below, too, was softer than usual. And the field around them forced the entire flock to walk upward, then back down, acting like a glorified hump.

“We’re here.” Twynk heard his mother tell him. But he barely paid attention to the sentence, for he immediately rushed forward, nimbly walking in between the adults’ legs until he reached the front row. And finally, he could see.

Below Twynk’s feet was a gigantic expanse of grass – that much, he was used to see. But the unusual, amazing element to that, was the sheer amount of Locksheeps resting on top of it. Some of them had a darker shade of brown decorating their fleece, others almost seemed on fire with the bright and spiky sun-like orange fleece that decorated their bodies, and a horn decorating their heads. Others seemed to have an impossibly smooth fleece instead, covering their entire bodies – including their eyes. Others, still, had–

Twynk!

The familiar voice brought Twynk back to reality as he gasped for the air he had forgotten to allow his lungs to enjoy. Looking around him, he realized that his Pulse had escaped from his body again, his fleece had doubled in size and turned golden, while the Pulse discharged itself around his body.

“You really need to keep your boy in check, Laddie.” a gentle female voice resounded somewhere behind Twynk.

“And you really need to use the full name at least once in a century.” Twynk’s mother replied as she reached for her son. “Don’t worry about him, he’s just excited. Isn’t that right, Twynkie-dearie?”

Twynk turned his head towards his mother, briefly glancing at the female Locksheep with an almost silky flock of fleece decorating the side of her face as she gazed at him with amusement. Then he looked at his mother again, barely able to contain his excitement. “Mommy?” Twynk whispered feverishly. “L-Look! Th-there’s so many of them! I didn’t know there were so many of them!” he approached her with eager eyes. “How many can I chat with? How many can I play with? How… How many can I fight with?”

None, if I decide so.”

Twynk’s smile promptly disappeared. He closed his eyes and took several deep inspirations, slowly and carefully. When he opened his eyes again, his fleece had taken its light brown color again, his Pulse was gone, and so was his excited shaking. “Hello.” he politely greeted the Locksheep next to his mother. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. I promise to try my best not to do this again.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, boy.” the other one said with a gentle tone. “It’s good to see you’re so excited to encounter new people, instead of being scared. Traveling is something Locksheeps should enjoy, not fear.”

Twynk let a joyful smile decorate his face. He nodded in approval, happy to know his mother had such great friends. “My name is Twynk Ladaluz. May I ask for yours?”

“I’m Maltina. And there’s no need to be so formal with me, Twynkie – after all, I’ve known you since you were a little lamb!”

Twynk tilted his head, intrigued. “Really? I don’t remember. I usually remember things.”

Maltina giggled. “Let’s just say you were too small to have a memory at the time.”

“Oh, okay.”

Ladaluz took the opportunity to speak. “You can go play with the others, if you want.” she said. “Your mommy has things to discuss with Maltina.”

Twynk nodded in understanding. Adult things. Another coded sentence. “What are the rules?” he inquired politely.

“You’ll meet a lot of people you don’t know. They have customs you don’t know, and ways to think very different from anything you’ve ever been told and taught. So, don’t expect them to react the way you want to. If you’ve gone too far, follow adult flocks and ask them for directions – even if some look scary, they will always answer you if you’re polite. There will be a general calling by sunset for the Locksheep Lockdown. By that time, you’ll have to be back – you should easily find our flock when it happens.”

“Okay.”

“You remember what it is, don’t you?”

Twynk nodded confidently. “The Locksheep Lockdown is a gathering of Locksheeps that band together and surround their Lambs as the begin to build their food reserves.” he recited. “During that time, they are vulnerable, and predators are more likely to band together too, and attack them. To prevent that, the adult Locksheeps prepare a giant Pulse barrier coupled with Champions of the Padlocked Bouts outside of it, so that they can do battle against the predators for several days, until the Locklambs are properly nourished.”

“Very good!” Ladaluz approved. “You remembered perfectly. Oh, and make sure you don’t battle anyone unless they have your accord.” she continued. “It’s better if their parents are here, too. Don’t get too excited, keep your Pulse under control, obey the adults, be nice to children, and protect those younger than you.”

“And have fun!”

Ladaluz let a tender smile break the sharpness of her motherly gaze. “Yes. Have fun. Remember to be back by sunset, okay?”

“Okay!”

Ladaluz kissed her child’s cheek with her nose and Twynk ran away, carving the rules in his memories to make sure that he wouldn’t forget them. When he was sure that he’d have them properly in mind, he let a chunk of his Pulse escape glow around his skin, and his fleece turned yellow once more.

‘Twas time. Time, of course, to witness pandemonium.

******

“Tre-ssa-lan! Tre-ssa-lan! Tre-ssa-lan!”

Twynk silently apologized to his mother as part of his Pulse escaped his control, but luckily, the crowd of various Locksheeps around him didn’t seem bothered at all – in fact, some of them accompanied their cheering with their Pulse, and it was probably because of that that Twynk felt his senses overwhelmed.

His ears, first, overwhelmed with the sheer power of the cheering all around him. His nose and mouth, then, overwhelmed with the indescribable smell and taste of flowing Pulse – energizing and strangely spicy, or so Twynk figured as he inhaled it. Then, his touch, overwhelmed by the number of fellow Locksheeps moving like a chaotic wave as the battles before their eyes unfolded. And finally, his eyes. His eyes, widened in disbelief as he watched like the others the Padlock Bouts and gazed at Tressalan, an impressive Locksheep the size of a bull, with sharp black horns and a silver-colored padlock around the neck. Due to the Pulse’s influence, his fleece had taken a similar color, as well as an impressive shape: it was composed of thick, braid-like knots, so elaborately made that they looked like powerful bare muscles throbbing with energy.

Twynk had been observing Padlock Bouts ever since he could remember: but never before had he seen a Locksheep use his Pulse in such a manner.

“Tre-ssa-lan! Tre-ssa-lan! Tre-ssa-lan!”

As the chanting continued, Twynk focused on Tressalan’s bout with another Locksheep, who had thin brown fleece turned red due to the Pulse’s influence, but a much thicker chunk stuck around the neck that hid the padlock below. And interestingly, two tails instead of one could be seen on his back. A few shouts of encouragement directed at him informed Twynk that his name was Solki, and that it wasn’t his first time battling against Tressalan. Either way, both battlers eventually stopped their movements around the circle created by their audience. Said audience suddenly fell silent, to Twynk’s surprise. Then, it the two combatants moved.

Fast.

By the time Solki finished sending a few discharges towards Tressalan, he jumped back and let two, much more focused Pulse rays hit the ground before bringing them back up, sending a wave of dirt and rocks at Tressalan. The latter didn’t even flinch, but one of the throbbing rope-sized strings on his fleece moved on its own, whipping the air at lightning speed and deflecting the rocks away from Tressalan’s sight. Twynk had just the time to register what happened that, somehow, Solki suddenly appeared in Twynk’s line of sight. Then, a Pulse-filled light built up at the tip of Solki’s tail before detonating behind him, sending him away at amazing speed, just as one of Tressalan's thread whipped the spot he stood on a second ago. 

"New trick, I see," Tressalan commented.

Solki's jet-like dash was easily interrupted: though he had dodged Tressalan’s attack, the latter had discreetly surrounded one of Solki’s back legs with one of his fleece’s threads, and he pulled on the thread with such force that Solki found himself unable to keep on dashing. Twynk’s eyes widened once more as he realized that Tressalan was still facing forward, not even looking at his opponent. He hadn’t moved an inch.

This is so much different… Twynk thought with rising excitement. So much different from what I know! And to his surprise, Tressalan used a trick Twynk himself had just learned to use: he channeled his Pulse through his thread and directed it at the trapped Solki to hit him with raw energy. The latter turned back and received the energy, grunting as the pain began to affect him. But then, impressively, he moved his twin tails and fired a combined beam of Pulse at Tressalan, who simply threw more of his fleece’s threads at his foe to further pull him towards him, thus throwing off his balance. The beams moved upward instead, while Solki found himself right below Tressaln’s front paws, one of which had risen from the ground, ready to stomp on Solki’s head.

“Yield!” Solki exclaimed, loud and clear.

Tressalan immediately released his foe. Solki rose from the ground, and they both bowed their heads in respect.

“You’ve grown.” Tressalan said in a calm tone.

“Not nearly enough. But thank you.” Solki replied, smiling shyly.

Twynk saw a flickering in the air. A thin sphere of Pulse energy he hadn’t noticed before disappeared from around the two fighters, and they exited it as two new fighters joined it, passing by several female Locksheeps, whom Twynk identified as the ones creating the force field. The same force field that would, as Twynk understood, stop any and all attack from leaving it. Amazed once again, Twynk waited until the end of the many bouts he’d have the chance to witness with everyone else before he approached one of the female Locksheeps that he saw taking care of the force fields.

“Um, excuse me. Hello?” Twynk began in Uni-Tongue. The lady turned back: her fleece was pitch black in color, formed a thick protection around her entire body, and especially her head, which appeared as if protected by a giant round helmet of knots and curves. A chunk of her bare white face could be seen at the center of the natural protection. A Locklamb stood next to her, slightly younger than Twynk, bore similar features.

“What is it, boy?” the lady inquired, curiosity in her voice.

Twynk slightly bowed his head. “My name is Twynk Ladaluz. It’s a pleasure to meet you! I just wanted to know if you could show me how you make force fields?”

The lady seemed utterly confused. “Excuse me, child, but I don’t understand what you want. Why exactly would you like me to show you a force field?”

“Well, it looked fu…” Twynk stopped himself to think, recalling his mother’s words. “...ful.” he corrected himself. “It looked useful! I’m sure it would be useful to... use, in a Padlocked Bout. I’ve never been taught to make a shield, so, I wondered how you could make one.” he offered the lady his brightest smile. “I know how to attack, but I don’t know how to defend.”

“I am… glad that you think this way, child, but it is not the place of a male Locksheep to learn anything from a female Locksheep.”

Twynk tilted his head to the side, confused. “Why not?”

“Well, because we are parts of a flock. You see, we each have roles we must stick to in order for the entire unit to properly function and hope to survive. The males are the ones who learn to attack predators, and the females are the ones who learn how to defend the young ones. If the roles are mixed, the organization will be lost, and that will lead to chaos.”

Twynk’s face brightened – he couldn’t help it, it had become his favorite word. “You mean pandemonium?”

The lady let out a sigh. “What I’m trying to say is that you should go back to your flock and keep yourself safe. The males will teach you everything you need. Everything else is unneeded because it would work against your future role.”

Twynk bowed his head. “I’m sorry to have bothered you. Thank you for your answer, and your time.”

A short-lived smile briefly decorated the lady’s smile, which confirmed to Twynk that he satisfied his curiosity without being a problem himself. Still, he couldn't help but wonder what she meant. His future role... Would it really be a problem if he tried to master his Pulse in every way possible to properly fulfill it? Twynk loved pandemonium, but he certainly didn't want to cause trouble to any organization. And he could obey rules, too. 

Unfortunately, Twynk's train of thought was interrupted by a sudden large amount of Pulse rays rose to the sky for all to see. Several others joined the display, and others, and others again: they all came from the various flocks of Locksheeps that had come to the gathering and shone brightly in different color shades to make it easier for everyone to find their group. Twynk noticed the signature yellow-to-golden color of his own flock’s Pulse and couldn’t help but sigh with nostalgia: he had spent so much time watching the Bouts that he didn’t even have time to battle anyone himself. But, he knew the rules: it was almost sunset, the call had been given, and he’d better hurry back to his place. He trotted his way through and indeed found his flock.

“Mommy?” Twynk called. “Mommy, I’m back!” It didn’t take long for Twynk to find his mother, luckily. She was sitting on the grass next to her friend Maltina, slightly away from the tight main group. Twynk had noticed that she always managed to make herself visible that way - part of the flock, but always one step outside of it. The two Locksheeps turned their heads towards him and smiled.

“Such good timing, Twynkie! I’m about to leave,” Maltina said. “I have my own family to take care of, so, I’d best join them.”

“Sure!” Twynk said in return. “Goodbye, Maltina! Thanks for giving my mother some company!”

Maltina giggled. “Now, why do you say that, sweet thing?”

“Because I wander off a lot, and Mommy says that makes me independent!”

“Well, she’s not wrong, but Laddie’s independent too, you know. She doesn't get bored easily.”

“Ooh… Does that mean she likes pandemonium too?”

“Well… Let’s just say the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.” Maltina concluded in a mysterious tone. She walked passed him and wagged her tail, a goodbye gesture addressed at both Twynk and Ladaluz. The latter shook her head, smiling softly. “Some of us just don’t change, I suppose,” she whispered to herself.

“Mommy? What was that expression, earlier?” Twynk inquired, getting closer to his mother.

“Oh, the apple thing? It means that your personality isn’t too different from mine in certain aspects. But I don’t like pandemonium as much as you do, Twynkie-Dearie – though your father is another story. Now, then: how was your day?”

“It was awesome!” Twynk exclaimed excitedly. He went on to explain in passionate details what he saw during the Padlock Bouts, the fighting style of each participant, their respect towards one another, their tricks, their tactics, their smiles, their grunts, their failures, and their successes. Ladaluz listened with care, commented at times, and laughed at others.

“And then, and then, something amazing happened!” Twynk continued. “I discovered that the female Locksheeps used a force-field all along to contain any damage inside the battlefield! It’s so cool!”

“Well, it’s part of their duty.”

“But they can create force-fields, and hold them for hours!” Twynk insisted. “I’ve never seen anyone manipulate Pulse like that! Do you think you can teach me how to do that?”

“Well, I can, but if you just want to do it for fun, then it’s not worth it. There are things you don’t need to learn, Twynkie-dearie, because they’re outside of your role.”

Twynk nodded. “I met a lady who told me that, too. But I thought about it on the way back, and I realized I wanted this to be part of my… arsenal. It’s a new word I learned today: they kept saying how it was important to keep a wide arsenal in a Padlock Bout. And it would be useful to use a force-field against predators, right?”

Ladaluz thought about her son’s words, then chose her next ones carefully. “I’ll tell you something important.” she began. “You can do anything you want in your life. Anything at all, and I'll be there to support you. But you have to genuinely work for it, else, I’ll forbid it. So if you want to learn how to manipulate your Pulse to make force-fields, I can teach you, but you need better control on said Pulse, to begin with. And, as you know...”

“...My control is lacking, right?” Twynk completed, sighing. “Okay. But I’ll work for it, I promise! I… I really want those force-fields.”

“How would you use them?”

“For battle!”

“Focus, Twynk. I didn’t say ‘for what purpose’. I said: how.”

“I...” Twynk fell silent, thinking hard about the question. He could feel this was another of her mother’s tests.

“What’s your arsenal so far?” Ladaluz inquired.

“Well, I just have my Enel Impact.” he chuckled. “I like that name.”

“I know.” Ladaluz patted on Twynk’s head with her tail. “I know the sounds you like, Twynkie-dearie: that’s how I knew something like that would please you.”

"But you like them too, right?"

"Of course."

Twynk smiled. “So, the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Ladaluz let out a laugh. “You remember well, and learn fast – you’re going places, I hope you realize that. So, what do you think about your Enel Impact?”

“It’s useful, it hurts a lot, but I have to touch my opponent for it to work. So, it’s… too, um...”

“Situational.”

“Situational!”

“And how would force-fields help Enel Impact, but also be useful on their own?”

Twynk closed his eyes and called upon the amazing power that he called his memory, relieving the many battles he had seen during his day, and how the force-fields kept any and all attacks inside. There had to be some way he could think of to use those marvelous constructions.

“Keep thinking, Twynk.” Ladaluz encouraged. “Take your time, and give me your answer when you’re ready. But it won’t be now.”

Twynk opened his eyes and pouted, disappointed. “Why not now?” he inquired.

“Because I want you fully-rested for tonight’s Locksheep Lockdown.” Ladaluz’s gaze became sharper. “Predators are coming, Twynk. We will have to fight them off. And each year, among the young ones and among the adults, some of us die. If you’re distracted, you’ll be one of them. I would prefer you and me alive, thank you very much.”

Twynk nodded several times. “Right! The Tale-Tellers mentioned death was hurtful. And brutal. And permanent.” then, he frowned. “It’s a shame that it’s permanent. Mommy, I think death isn’t fun.”

“And quite sincerely, Twynkie-Dearie, I am glad you think that,” Ladaluz concluded, laughing softly. “But it is, still, not quite a subject for your current… level of wisdom. Keep thinking about your force-fields for now, okay? And eat as much as you can when I wake you up. We’ll discuss the rules later.”

"But I... Don't need to eat much, you know."

"I know, Twynk, but you are my child, and I am your mother." Ladaluz declared. "It's your job to be confident, but it's my job to get worried."

 “Okay!” With that said, Twynk fell on the soft ground, sighing with glee – he realized he had walked quite a lot, and his legs felt heavy. He closed his eyes as one last smile appeared on his face. He would finally experience his first Locksheep Lockdown. He couldn’t help but feel the excitement from the perspective of meeting predators again. 

His first Locksheep Lockdown... Maybe that, too, was a form of fun Twynk was eager to discover. 

Comments & reviews · 2
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Hello, Tortwag! I'm HalfbloodFangirl and I have a review. I'm sorry you had to wait so long!

Wording

"The mother’s gaze froze for a split-second, as her question had only meant to be rhetorical, and certainly not answered precisely." Maybe make sentences like these into two sentences. Break it off every time a point is made without followup. An action is made when the mother's gaze freezes. End of sentence. Now, a new point is being made. Her question was meant to be rhetorical. But, there is followup to that paint. So it should look something like this:

"The mother’s gaze froze for a split-second. Her question had only meant to be rhetorical, not answered precisely."

"acting like a glorified hump." This line sounds a little wonky to me. I would maybe not use "hump" as a derogatory term. I would say just say "arrogant" instead of "glorified hump".

Other Errors

"But I... Don't need to eat much, you know." Seeing as this is one sentence, you don't need to capitalize the "d" in "don't". It's just the second part of a sentence.

That's all I have for you! You did great! Keep it up, it will take you places. I hope this helped you and any way, shape, or form. Good luck! Keep writing!

User avatar
inktopus
Review

Hey, Tortwag! Ink here for a review this wonderful Review Day! (this also happens to be my 200th review!) Let's get to it!

And the field around them forced the entire flock to walk upward, then back down, acting like a glorified hump.

The bolded bit sounds really weird to me. I would try to reword that.

So, they kept on advancing, surrounded by the security of their flock.

So they're with their flock? I had no idea. This depends on what was in your first chapter, but if the audience doesn't know that they're traveling with the flock in chapter 1, then you should mention it a little sooner.

Some of them had a darker shade of brown decorating their fleece, others almost seemed on fire with the bright and spiky sun-like orange fleece that decorated their bodies, and a horn decorating their heads.

You used some form of decorate three times in this sentence. Switch it up. Adorn or ornament are just two good options for replacing it.

“None, if I decide so.”

What's up with the sudden change in personality for Twynk's mom? She seemed to be a doting, kind mother at the beginning of the chapter, but now she seems rather harsh. I don't know which is her true personality, but I thought I'd point it out.

Twynk turned his head towards his mother, briefly glancing at the female Locksheep with an almost silky flock of fleece decorating the side of her face as she gazed at him with amusement.

You really need to stop using "decorate" so much. Also, what is a flock of fleece? I'm pretty sure flock is not the word you want to use there.

He closed his eyes and took several deep inspirations, slowly and carefully.

Perhaps it's because I'm missing the information from the first chapter, but what does this mean? I think deep breaths works better, but maybe it's because I don't know how this world works. Regardless, I thought that pointing this out might be helpful.

I'd first like to mention that this was very long. The reason this languished so long in the Green Room is mainly its length. When you have long chapters like this, it's a good idea to break them up into mini-chapters. For this one, you could have 2.1 and 2.2, just splitting it in half would make reviewing this so much more manageable and it would also increase the amount of critique you get.

On Pulse:

I don't really understand what exactly a Pulse is. Is it just energy or is it electricity? Is each Pulse unique to its user? I don't know if you've answered those questions in chapter 1 or not, but if you haven't, you should definitely explain it. If you're familiar with Pokemon, I was imagining these Locksheep as Mareep.

Another slightly Pulse related thing is the way the male and female sheep use the Pulse. I think that you could go one of two ways. It's difficult to tell which way you're going to go, but my guess is the way that I'd rather not see. You could either make this about tearing down the boundaries of gender roles in the flock, or Twynk is going to take the female way to use the Pulse, become an awesome fighter and the female sheep are going to still be stuck in their defender role. From the way this is written, I could see this going the second way. I really don't like the idea of the second way at all as it's more than a little sexist.

Overall, I felt like the writing was a bit bland. It doesn't feel like you've developed a style yet, and that's okay. That's something that happens with time, but if you start thinking about it, you'll be able to cultivate something really good. When you read others' works, pay attention to the way they say things and what it unique to them. What are the patterns in their writing? What themes do they always come back to? If you start recognizing that in the writing of others, you'll start to form a style of your own when you write. You have potential, you just need more practice!

If you have any questions, feel free to ask in a reply or pm.

~Ink

@inktopus Just to reassure you, and also to make sure this is clear: "You could either make this about tearing down the boundaries of gender roles in the flock, or Twynk is going to take the female way to use the Pulse, become an awesome fighter and the female sheep are going to still be stuck in their defender role. From the way this is written, I could see this going the second way. I really don't like the idea of the second way at all as it's more than a little sexist."

Neither of those guesses represent what I'm actually going to do - and especially not the second one.

Thank you for your review, m'dear. Enjoy the rest of your day.



I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights