Young Writers Society

Nice story torpid, I think the above reviews have covered everything. I like it how you write many genres, and a pretty good at them all.

what?

I liked it, but don't get to expect compliments like this..... expect MORE!
Muahahahahaha

i was multitasking so maybe like an hour?? dude, thanks for the compliments!! way cool. id like to read some of your wrting some time.

By the time im twenty or forty or whatever, and have a job writing, and have been training for years, i would be pleased, even thrilled to be able to write as good as you.

that was exelent !, it never let my attention go for a split second, it was so good and wasnt at all cliche, i...i wish i could write like this.

your gonna become an extremely famous , rich writer one day, and when you are ill be in the corner screaming in envy.

I wouldent change a single thing in this story exept the two swaer words you used, either say them full or dont say em at all.

and how long did this take?

COOL DUDE, thanks for the time and effort and thoughts and stuff. i new i had misspeled some words but MY brain was bein weird. Anywayz, thanks, im off to read FREAK.

Hi Torpid! I'm feeling bored, so I'm really going to get stuck into this one...you might want to run and hide now, LOL. Nah, but seriously, bear with me. I'm trying to procrastinate here

Sergeant Aerne was nothing more than a shrub on the landscape, he was a tan-green spec on a forty kilometer hunting ground. To the organic eye, he was invisible, and he'd been there for days, high powered sniper rifle in hand, focused on an enemy facility a mile out.


I like the shrub thing. Funny and illuminating. However, I think the first sentence would run better if it went, "...on the landscape - a tan-green spec...". As it is, its kind of awkward. "High powered" should be hyphenated. Otherwise, interesting beginning. You might want to tone down on the commas a bit though.

With the advanced sensor technology of the twenty-third century, Aerne could study the hostiles in the building, the vehicles, the weaponry, the f****** number of rats in the basement. He had access to it all, and the opposition didn't have the slightest clue. That was definetly a benefit to being one of the Allie's Elite Soldiers. He was always a step ahead of his prey, and he loved it.

Mmhm. I'm in two minds here. On the one hand, I want to say, if you're going to swear, do it (since a. there is a rating system and b. I hate those little starry things) but on the other hand, it's OK the way it is. So...yeah. "Allie's" is "Allies'" unless you're talking about someone named Allie, which I doubt. Instead of "a step ahead" I'd say "one step ahead", its not so awkward.

Aerne was almost glad that the Third World War had been raging his whole life, He knew it was sad and all but where else could he have gone and had a job like this? He'd been payed to assassinate bad guys for the last ten years of his life, what a job! He loved it.

"...his whole life [full stop!]. He knew...". Watch your punctuation here! "He knew it was sad and all, but...". "payed" is "paid". Also, "...of his life - what a job! He...".

His ear-plug-comm-device signaled in, he was about to receive an incoming message from one of his fellow operatives, who were also scattered about the forty kilometer hunting ground.

"Signalled in" is kind of...weird. I'd change it, either to the device making a sound or just signalling. It would help the story to flow a bit better. "His ear-plug comm. device...". The repetition of hunting ground is very obvious here. Could you perhaps say the same thing a different way?

"Ello Aerne, just thought I'd clue you in on a patrol headed your way. Six total, one sargeant leads a couple o' corporals, specialists, and a private. Get snuggly under your camo. ETA two minutes."

That was Havoc, Aerne's two hundred pound Irish comrad. He trusted him more than anyone else alive, and they'd known each other for about fifteen years. Aerne spotted the patrol and secured his camo. He wasn't worried, with his chameleon suit and complete camo, nothing had ever spotted him. Infact, a group of deer had crosed his path earlier that day, and just kept on walking. He loved his equipment.

"Comrad" is "comrade". This little bit of exposition doesnt lead logically to the next bit. Could you somehow work them together a bit more? I dont know, say Aerne wasnt worried because whatshisname was watching his back or something. Merge detail and action, lol.

Soon the patrol came and went and before long they were completing another circuit. Good God, Aerne was tired of waiting. He rechecked the wind and calculated his shot. Then he sat there, keeping the communication ith his team as minimal as possible and not moving for another set of hours. One of the Axis sat in the window, what a stupid thing to do, and started reading a book. Aerne zoomed in his scop eand read along...


"Then he sat there, communicating as little as possible..."

"one of the Axis' sat...".

Little bit of a typo: "Aerne zoomed in (with) his scope and read along...".

Hours later, deep into night, the order from Command came and Aerne and his fellow operatives all calculated their shots, increased the power behind each one, and found a live hostile inside. The Allied snipers numbered six, the hostiles inside four. Two were going to get hit twice,he grined, poor b******s.


"Two were going to get hit twice, he thought, and grinned. Poor b******s."

The Snipers secrenized their shots and on three squeezed the triggers. Any resistance between the rifles and their targets was elimanted. Stone walls exploded, metallic alloy were peirced, body armor was worn to no avail. Within thirty seconds, all four of the Axis soldiers lay dead and fourteen missiles aimed for Allied Bases were never released. Aerne and his fellow operatives had won the day, and now they could stretch. Thank God.

"synchronized" - "eliminated"

"metallic alloy was pierced"

The "body armor was worn to no avail" is kind of weird. I'd change it to something like, "body armor was shredded". It makes more sense, you know?

Still, overall pretty good. Definitely got a sense of Aerne's character, which is good. The ending seemed a little abrupt, so perhaps you could drag it out a bit more - the whole thing really - but maybe that's because I was enjoying myself LOL. An interesting piece, I'll have to read more of your stuff. Kudos! :thumb: