z

Young Writers Society



Leadslinger

by Torpid


They watched the shadowy figure as he slowly trotted his horse away form the town gates. They were hungry and overly eager to feast upon man flesh. The two grotesque hunters crouched there behind a fallen tree, clad in there roughly cut animal hides, gripping there crude spiked clubs tightly. He looked vulnerable, mounted atop his horse near the bottom of the hill. It was a dark and cloudy night, portions of the land were flooding and the occasional thunder pierced the sky. No one would notice the struggle.

As Ricirvik rounded a smooth corner along the muddy trail he caught their scent, he was not adept in the wild but he needn’t be to smell the revolting stench of his predators. A minor shift in the wind had given them away. He wheeled his horse around quickly, dismounting it in the process. In the blink of an eye he had his two elegant black pistols drawn, centered on the first burly orc to jump down off the hill. He thundered away a shot, blasting away a fair chunk of the creature’s thigh. It faltered in its stride and toppled down to the ground, howling in agony as the acid-filled bullet ate away at its flesh. Ricirvik, foolishly glancing at the first orc didn’t respond in time to the second. It came crashing down on top of him, beating him down to the ground. Ricirvik lost grip of his pistols in the struggle. It reared back his tusked head as it squeezed the Slinger’s neck, its arms bulging. Then it was thrown from its enemy as Ricivik’s mount violently kicked it away. The horse jumped over its master and began trampling the prone orc mercilessly. In a horse voice Ricirvik muttered, “That’s a good horsie.”

Standing up, the Leadslinger walked over to the wounded and bleeding orc as its steed continued to stomp out the other one. It lay there, clutching its burning leg. If unattended he would bleed to death by the end of the night. If he was found, and aided, thanks to the acid, he would probably never walk again.

Ricirivik galloped away from the two battered and dying orcs, the heavy rain washing away their lifeblood.

Four days later.

Ricirvik was sitting cross legged on his bed inside the Howling Harpy, an inn and tavern roughly thirty miles from where he last saw Grefalcon. He was wearing a pair of loose grayish colored pants and I worn white short and cleaning his two slender pistols. Occasionally he would look outside his window, into the sunny street and make sure his horse was safe inside the nearby stables. Then, three rhythmic knocks sounded at his door and a young female voice said, “Letter for you sir.” Being rightly paranoid, he quickly loaded and readied a pistol before answering the door. A teenage girl was standing there alone in the wooden hallway, clutching a yellow parcel. She looked nervous and somewhat disappointed that someone had answered the door. Ricirvik smiled wildly before taking the letter and closing the door. He went and sat down in an old chair by the window. He opened the envelope and, by sunlight, read

Town Square, Two o’clock.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
86 Reviews


Points: 3699
Reviews: 86

Donate
Fri Apr 15, 2011 3:08 am
charcoalspacewolfman wrote a review...



Yep, you need a plot. And a name my inner voice can actually pronounce. I'd vote for Ricirik, but it sounds like RickyRick, which is a bit weird. I think you should just call him the Leadslinger, with no name, since it got a bit confusing when you referred to one character by two names.
You need to work on your paragraphs; shorten them so that people can read your awesome fight scene in comfort without getting discouraged by the massive, unrelenting torrent of information you have. You did pretty well with the fight scene, I think, though the thing about him smelling them threw me off. It's raining. I mean, admittedly you said they smelled bad, but they would have to smell REALLY PUNGENT if anyone is to smell them in the middle of a rainstorm. It was a bit of a surprise, then when it said the rain was washing away their lifeblood, since I was imagining that it was hot and dry.
Otherwise, with the scenery in mind, I liked the thing with him thundering off a shot; it's kinda appropriate.
So you have a potentially good story, but you need a story. And just pick one name.
There's probably a lot more I could badger you about, but for some reason, I only feel like correcting people's grammar and punctuation mistakes when they aren't going to appreciate it.
Cheerio.




Random avatar

Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Donate
Wed Apr 13, 2011 2:50 pm
Horrorwriter says...



Good. VBery good.




User avatar
139 Reviews


Points: 990
Reviews: 139

Donate
Thu Feb 09, 2006 2:43 pm
Torpid says...



Guys if u like this story then help cuz i dont know what comes next, i wanted to have an interesting encounter w/ some guy from the Leadslinger's past but nothins coming, ideas needed. PLEASE & THANK YOU
~Torpid




User avatar
139 Reviews


Points: 990
Reviews: 139

Donate
Tue Jan 24, 2006 9:56 pm
Torpid says...



Think about adding hints at details such as: Why did the Leadslinger attack Ricirvik?

Ricirvik IS the Leadslinger, silly goose, or did i make somehting confusing?




User avatar
563 Reviews


Points: 13816
Reviews: 563

Donate
Sun Jan 22, 2006 8:16 pm
Writersdomain wrote a review...



This sounds like the beginning of the story, so you don't need to explain the entire storyline in this, but hints at the storyline would do this piece some good. Think about adding hints at details such as: Why did the Leadslinger attack Ricirvik? Why was Ricirvik out on his own? You don't have to blatantly answer these questions, but some hints would intrigue the reader to read more...
Besides that, I loved your vocabulary in this. You use some beautiful adjectives. The only sentence that seemed awkward was:

He thundered away a shot, blasting away a fair chunk of the creature’s thigh.


The use of the word 'thundered' didn't seem right here. Think about any other words that might work insteady.

Nice job... keep writing




User avatar
375 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 375

Donate
Tue Jan 17, 2006 11:41 pm



now this is an awsome, story, i agree with you, a little more story line would be nice, what exactaly is the poll for?




User avatar
139 Reviews


Points: 990
Reviews: 139

Donate
Tue Jan 17, 2006 11:29 pm
Torpid says...



there is always a lot of violence in these stories, im gunna have to start putting in some storyline, oh well, the plot shall come next!





This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer