Aerne Core eased his ship down onto the Coruscanti landing platform, deep down into the planet where sunlight sometimes did not reach and the buildings seemed to be cloaked in darkness. It was a place where profiles were low, and criminal scum and villainy ruled the turf.
It was the area of Coruscant where the Empire did not rule.
The scorched YT-2400 landed with a series of dull clanks as it made contact with the battered old landing pad. A hatch opened on the top surface of the ship, hissing as the vessel's air pressure mingled with that of its environment. A bag was thrown out, landing on the platform, then a figure emerged from the ship.
Apart from the six small horns lining his scalp, the pilot appeared human. He was clad in a tan and black flight suit, and holstered on his belt was a heavy blaster pistol. He picked up his bag and scanned the area. The buildings were dark, decorated by scorch marks of the past one hundred years. Trash and garbage lined the sides of the alleys, and the only light was artificial.
"Hey, you have the credits?" A rough voice asked. The pilot turned, noting the speaker and three others in the shadows behind him. A Rodian, an Ikotchi, and two Twi'leks. The speaking Rodian carried duel blasters, and his cronies packed hold-outs and vibro-daggers. They were trying too hard to look tough.
The Zabrak Pilot reached in his pocket and pulled out a credit chip, pre-set to the amount he was paying them to use the platform. He tossed it to the thugs, "If there's a new scratch on this ship when I get back, I'll be forced to castrate you all."
One of the thug's chuckles died of as he saw the pilot's dark expression. The Rodian just smiled, "Your just lucky the credits check out. And nice bag, but if we have any problems because of it, deals off. We dont screw around with the skelleys."
The Zabrak looked down at the bag he was carrying, a faded rebellion symbol reminescent on its surface. "I know you from a rebel friend, so dont act like your not involved. Besides, the wars over right?" Aerne asked.
The Leader just looked at him, "Yea, tell the Imperials that." Then he turned with his thugs and walked away.
The Rebel heard him yell, "We'll watch your ship!" before he disapeared from sight.
* * * *
Its the begining of a lil short SW idea i have
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Nicely done! I'm a hard-core Star Wars Fan, so I understood every word. I know Rodians (Greedo!), Ikotchi (Nice horns), Twi'leks (Male or female?), and Zabraks (Darth Maul!).
For the problem with the gun, you could mention it later in the story. Maybe that guy shows it to someone and they say "Hey! DL-44! Nice! Did you steal it from Solo?"
I have my own short-ish story on Star Wars, and I've found it's important not to fill your reader with a bunch of junk that they probably don't understand.
But other than that.....nice story! I'm anxious to see more of it.
Right this was ok, I didnt feel dragged into the piece really, also I felt it needs maybe more sensory description and imagery.
lol my grammar sux! anywayz, thanks guys ill edit this and then repost the next later....
oh and firestarter, he heard of the thugs from a friend, a trusted friend. there not as bad as they look, and trustworthy to their close associates.
The description at the start was impressive. It drew me into the story.
Some things I noticed:
Awkward. Rephrase: "A bag was thrown out onto the platform. It was followed by a figure emerging from the ship."
I think at this point you should just say "heavy blaster" or "heavy blaster pistol" since you don't want to overcome the reader with too many technical details (although I'm sure most people who would read this would be Star Wars fans; at the moment it just seems you are reeling off some numbers and letters from a Star Wars information book. I'm sure you know all about them but it just gives a bad feel to it all. Like it's not real. (It's not but you know what I mean, you have to pass it off as real))
Good passage. However, in the last sentence, you are telling rather than showing. How exactly are they looking tough? What are their stances like? How are they holding their weapons? What are the expressions on their faces? If you imply they look tough, the reader will enjoy working it all out better than you simply informing them.
Aaaaaargh. Firstly, split up dialogue from different speakers onto different lines. In this case you should make a new paragraph after, "ure bantha fodder"; "credits check out"; "with the skelleys." If that makes sense.
Secondly: dialogue issues. As JigSaw said, "ure banthat fodder," is just bad english. So is the uncapitalised "I" just before it. Maybe you forgot to proofread this part? Anyhow, fix it. There are other grammar issues here too. "Deals off" should be "deal's off" or "the deal's off." "Dont" should be "don't".
"dont" should once again be "don't" and "your" should be "you're". "wars" should be "war's".
"lookd" should be "looked". Also, I'd put "Yeah" instead of "Yea" as it is the universally-accepted way of writing the slang form of yes.
"disapeared" should be "disappeared."
Other issues: why exactly would the thugs look after his ship? They have just shown themselves to not like him, or care about him. At the moment you haven't indicated any motive for them doing so. Unless this is covered later on, I would address it now. Otherwise I'm a bit confused as to why they would do it.
Overall, this was a good beginning. I'm a SW fan so I'm pretty interested to see where you go with this I was thinking of doing some SW fanfic myself.
Well so far it seems okay. Ive got no idea about the description in regards to the alien species' or the accuracy of anything because Im not a SW fan. Although I did notice a couple of mistakes,
and villains
also,
Here, I think your trying to give the impression of slang or an accent. It doesnt work. It merely looks as if you cant spell and as such stands out from the rest of the text. If you wish to make it slang/and or accented, add at the end of the dialogue "he spoke with a clipped accent" or something similar.
Also, there is the problem with consistency. In this quote "bantha" isnt capitalized and yet in the next:
So, I dont know, is it ment to be capitalized or not? Otherwise, and in general, this is quite good. Well done.