z

Young Writers Society



Bard's Story Pt. 2

by Torpid


This is an angle from the other characters story. Banzai, Thavyr, and a few others will meet.

Banzai Shimoto, the infamous assassin, made his way silently down the old cobblestone road. Behind him, a trail of what appeared to be massive cat prints was imprinted in the fresh snow. He slid through a cluster of alleyways and crept through the deserted city market. At last, he came to a stop behind a large, battered wooden structure. The Copper Goblet, Inn and Tavern. He scaled up the back wall, coming to a stop at the foggy window before him.

He slid it open, and tumbled inside, as silent as death. He was in a dark, candlelight room with an old bed, a wash basin and an oak chest at the foot of the bed. He looked down at his snow covered leather, his signature cat suit which would leave footprints like those of a great hunting cat, it had two bladed leather gauntlets fastened to it, three blades protruding on each. He pulled his matching whiskered mask tight and entered the hallway.

It was empty except for an unconscious drunkard sitting drowsily at the end of the hall. Banzai made his way downstairs. He could hear the feint sound of a tune, sounding mournful. The main room of the Tavern, the bar, was indeed dark. The massive fireplace only housed warm coals and the few torches along the wall that had not burnt them self out were little more than candle flames.

Across the room seated at a corner table the assassin made out two forms, one taller and dressed in decent garments and the other a small character, gnomish, draped in shabby, torn traveler's clothes. Almost in the center of the room, the only other occupant (apart from a maiden scrubbing mugs at the bar) was a muscular figure, clad in glinting scale mail. In front of him lay a table cluttered with pieces of parchment. He look weary. Watching from the shadows, Banzai readied his blowgun with a poisonous dart. He waited until the bar maiden had ventured to the back and the other two figures looked steadily preoccupied. PHHFT. The finger sized dart stuck in the knight's neck. Within seconds his veins felt like they were on fire and his heart began to convulse wildly. The knight gurgled blood. This aroused the gnome's attention and as the bar maid hurried out to see what had happen to the valiant man, Banzai Shimoto slipped away, out through a window above him.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
139 Reviews


Points: 990
Reviews: 139

Donate
Fri Dec 30, 2005 3:30 am
Torpid says...



You plotting on killing me, ladydark? You wouldn't be the first. I think there's a club by now...




User avatar
80 Reviews


Points: 1040
Reviews: 80

Donate
Fri Dec 30, 2005 3:27 am
ladydark says...



without me you might live longer......




User avatar
139 Reviews


Points: 990
Reviews: 139

Donate
Fri Dec 30, 2005 3:13 am
Torpid says...



Thank you, Jigsaw, ladydark. What would i do without you?

~Torpid




User avatar
80 Reviews


Points: 1040
Reviews: 80

Donate
Fri Dec 30, 2005 2:50 am
ladydark wrote a review...



mwahaha, suffer my wrath... I mean, here are some pointers...

At last, he came to a stop behind a large, battered wooden structure. The Copper Goblet, Inn and Tavern.

should be as one, At last, he came to a stop behind a large, battered wooden structure, The Copper Goblet, Tavern and Inn.


yesh... He slid it open, and tumbled inside, as silent as death... perhaps

He slid it open, and creeped inside, as silent as death.

wee... longish sentence, yes you are describing buut...
He was in a dark, candlelight room with an old bed, a wash basin and an oak chest at the foot of the bed.

He was in a dark, candlelit room, so contradicting, He was in a dim, candlelit room. He looked and saw an old bed, a wash basin, and an old chest at the food of the bed.

wee... He looked down at his snow covered leather, his signature cat suit which would leave footprints like those of a great hunting cat, it had two bladed leather gauntlets fastened to it, three blades protruding on each.

He looked down at his snow covered leath. The signature cat suit which would leave footprints like those of a great hunting cat. It had two bladed leath gauntlets fastened to it, three blades on each.


It was empty except for an unconscious drunkard sitting drowsily at the end of the hall. Banzai made his way downstairs. He could hear the feint sound of a tune, sounding mournful.

what was empty? The room? The inn?


feint-->faint


The main room of the Tavern, the bar, was indeed dark.
dont need to say the bar, most people Should know what a freakin Tavern is ^^, and dont need indeed

The main room of the Tavern was dark.


The massive fireplace only housed warm coals and the few torches along the wall that had not burnt them self out were little more than candle flames.

The massive fire place only house a few warm coals. A few torches lined the wall, those that had not burned out, were little more then candle flames.


Across the room seated at a corner table the assassin made out two forms, one taller and dressed in decent garments and the other a small character, gnomish, draped in shabby, torn traveler's clothes.

Across the room, there sat a corner table, and the assasin made out two forms. One of them was taller, and dressed in decent garments, the other a smallish character, a gnome, draped in shabby, worn travelers clothes.


In front of him lay a table cluttered with pieces of parchment. He look weary.

In front of him lay a table cluttered wtih pieces of parchment, he looked weary.


This aroused the gnome's attention and as the bar maid hurried out to see what had happen to the valiant man, Banzai Shimoto slipped away, out through a window above him.

This aroused the gnome's attention, as the bar maid hurried out to see what the noise was. Banzai Shimoto slipped back into the shadows, and out of the window above him.


just suggestions is all, might sound a bit better, but anyways... back to translating french --> english, good story by the way, keep going or else I'll wanna know why!




User avatar
139 Reviews


Points: 990
Reviews: 139

Donate
Fri Dec 30, 2005 12:25 am
Torpid says...



i've been waiting for someone to reply to it. Thanx for the tumble thing, i thought the same thing. The gnome and decently dressed man in the corner were the guys from the prologue.




User avatar
798 Reviews


Points: 6517
Reviews: 798

Donate
Fri Dec 30, 2005 12:17 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



That was very, very good. I liked it and i assume you will connect that event to the first part in the next installment. However:

He slid it open, and tumbled inside, as silent as death

"tumbled" gives the impression that he fell and therefore contradicts "silent as death". So maybe you should change that to: , and crept inside, as silent as death.

hear the feint sound of a tune

faint.





Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
— H. Jackson Brown