Thanks for the facinating remark and wanting to read, zelithon, the well done, jigsaw, and the good overall, ladydark
Bard 2 iz out. it is about another character that will hook up w/ Thavyr (that orphan kid)
~Torpid
The bard leaned in over the table, eager for the tale, everseeking stories of adventure for his retelling. The elder gnome patiently sipped his mead, playing off the excitement of the eager man opposite him. "The story goes back twenty years," He sighed, "When Sehtril Camuine ruled the thieves guild. It had reached its peak of power, back in those days, and had its hand in the entire cities pocket. Their were two thieves, man and woman, named Adoror and Frey, partners in crime and nearly Camuines equals if you ask me. They knew of their growing power and between the two of them they controlled over half the guild. And when they murdered the guildmaster and took his place, no one argued. That is the way of thieves, the murderous lot. But you see, i suppose it was fate. What goes around comes around you see and a year later, Camuines son that had gone into hiding assassinated them both. He goes by the name of 'shadowmender', and it would be wise to avoid him. Now though the guild has fallen from its once lofty position in the cities hierarchy, it is riotus and though this 'Shadowmender' still governs it, he is trying to grasp at the unraveling thread that is his father's legacy." The Bard leaned back in his chair and sighed. It was a good story, but had no ending.
"That is no the end, my friend." The Gnome stated with a chuckle, "Ney, the offspring of Adoror Darkeyes and Frey Faldiren shall not be forgotten so easily." He sighed, "Though i dare say it has." He mumbled and finished his mead. "The baby boy, Thavyr, he was named if i remember correctley. Raised on the streets but watched over to those loyal to the dead thieves. He will reclaim the guild, make order of it, and be the end of this damned 'Shadowmender', mark my words."
Thanks for the facinating remark and wanting to read, zelithon, the well done, jigsaw, and the good overall, ladydark
Bard 2 iz out. it is about another character that will hook up w/ Thavyr (that orphan kid)
~Torpid
JigSaw wrote:Is this a prologue, a first chapter, or the entire story? Until i know this I will reserve my judgement.
otherwise, here are some suggestions:It had reached its peak of power
It had reached the peak of its power.had its hand in the entire cities pocket
something about this bit doesnt sit right with me, maybe you restructure that part.Their were two thieves
There were two theivesnearly Camuines equals
Camuine's.And when they murdered the guildmaster and took his place, no one argued
,so when they murdered the guildmaster and took his place, no one arguedWhat goes around comes around you see and a year later
"you see" is not necessary. Cut it out.Camuines son that had gone into hiding assassinated them both
Camuine's son, emerged from hiding and assassinated them both."That is no the end, my friend."
"That is not the end, my friend"--if it was intentional the "no' "
p.s--i just saw that someone else has made the same corrections. sorry.
I want to read the rest. By the way i will now call you Young t. It has potental fot a simply facinating story.
Is this a prologue, a first chapter, or the entire story? Until i know this I will reserve my judgement.
otherwise, here are some suggestions:
It had reached its peak of power
had its hand in the entire cities pocket
Their were two thieves
nearly Camuines equals
.And when they murdered the guildmaster and took his place, no one argued
What goes around comes around you see and a year later
Camuines son that had gone into hiding assassinated them both
"That is no the end, my friend."
dododo, nice story... I know I know... I shouldn't be editing much since I myself am lame buuut if you want it, here it is...
Their were two thieves, man and woman, named Adoror and Frey, partners in crime and nearly Camuines equals if you ask me.
There, not their, their means like it was Their snowball, there is like... there are two ducks
man and woman, a man and a woman
named Adoror and Frey. Partners in crime and nearly Caminues equals, if you ask me.
They knew of their growing power and between the two of them they controlled over half the guild. And when they murdered the guildmaster and took his place, no one argued.
They knew of their growing power, and between the two of them, they controlled over half the guild. When they murdered the guildmaster and took his place, no one argued.
What goes around comes around you see and a year later, Camuines son that had gone into hiding assassinated them both.
What goes around comes around, you see. A year later, Carmuines' son, who had gone into hiding, assassinated them both.
He goes by the name of 'shadowmender', shadowmender should be capped... Shadowmender
Now though the guild has fallen from its once lofty position in the cities hierarchy, it is riotus and though this 'Shadowmender' still governs it, he is trying to grasp at the unraveling thread that is his father's legacy."
weee, long sentence...
Even though the guild has fallen from its once lofty position in the cities hierachy, it is riotus. Though this 'Shadowmender' still governs it. He is trying to grasp at the unraveling thread that is his father's legacy.
correctley --> correctly
and be the end of this damned 'Shadowmender', mark my words."
and be the end of this damned 'Shadowmender'. Mark my words."
very good overall, just a few minor adjustments...
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