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Young Writers Society



ALIEN INVASION!!!

by Torpid


The sun crept over the forested green landscape, illuminating the few dark, damaged buildings nestled there between two steep grassy hills. An eerie silence had settled over the small trade village and thin columns of smoke rose into the fresh morning air.

Thousands of chilled shells lay scattered about the streets, accompanied by a large garrison of motionless troops strung out about the surrounding buildings. The invading force, clad in heavy metallic armor had arrived the previous night, with orders to seize the defenseless trading post and pave the way for more troops to come through on their route. The position of the post was the last real strip of civilization between the conquerors and their objective. It had been subtly defended accordingly.

Kilie glanced over to her comrade, a mercenary employed by the International Defense Militia for the last four years of his life. They and two others had been stationed together as a special operations strike team months earlier. A few months of being under fire and stressful missions had formed a sturdy, trusting bond between the group and they were about to complete yet another, seemingly impossible and highly dangerous scheme in the defense of their planet.

“I’d say that’s about clear,” Kilie said as she backed away from the wired door and took cover behind a stack of monstrous steel crates. Torpid did the same and second later a door leading out of the room blew inward from its hinges, into another dark room, where three scared soldiers had run to hide.

The huge, jagged door skewered two on impact and the third fell back in surprise, landing prone on his armored back. Torpid was on him in a flash, his dual pistols in hand, pointed at the horrified face of the alien invader. It was a yellow green, rough and resembling a lizard’s hide. It was one of the uglier ones. The human almost thought twice before squeezing the trigger of his left pistol. But then he thought of the women and children above them in the battered buildings, still in hiding and he knew that this monstrosity before him would not have given there lives so much thought. He pulled it and stood up, glad that he had yet again lessened the ranks of the enemy.

Kilie followed him all the way back up to the surface, through the narrow hallways, for they were done sniffing out the fleeing enemy in the tunnels below the buildings. “Does it ever get to you to though?” She asked when they had finally come to the entrance of the cellar from which they had entered.

“Nope, sorry.” The mercenary replied, suddenly turning joyous in his words.

They made their way out, onto ground level of the world and exited the scorched depot they were in. The other two members of their team, a Japanese killer named Banzai, and a massive man called Havoc were waiting for them in their military issued buggy. They nodded silently to their companions and started the engine. Kilie climbed in and Torpid nestled himself in the back. As they drove off up the hill towards their base, Torpid glanced back down the main road, littered in enemy bodies and a few grateful villagers had begun to step out to see if their homes had been secured. He smiled all the way back to the barracks.


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Wed Feb 01, 2006 2:47 pm
Torpid says...



Prolly wont write more cuz i was just 'doodling' when i wrote this one but thanx for the comments and replies
~Torpid




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Mon Jan 30, 2006 10:28 pm
Dargquon Ql'deleodna wrote a review...



this is very well written and it reminds me allot of the book called The Speed of Darkness, it seems a allot like that story. over all a little spacing inbetween paragraphs would have made it easier to read, but it was very good, are you going to write more?




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Sun Jan 29, 2006 11:50 pm
The Silent Aviator wrote a review...



Torpid wrote:Aviator, The Alien's are attacking because o' this jemstone which is important for some reason......

Thank you for clarifying.
FYI, my dad was in the Army...of course he's nothing like the Vigilante, though, lol!




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Sun Jan 29, 2006 11:44 pm
Sgt. Salt wrote a review...



That... was a confuzzling little story. Of course, it never finished properly, and there was no clear reason for the alien's attack (as aforementioned by others).

At first I was sure that there would be massive amounts of carnage and mutilation from the eyes of defenders (I was actually looking forward to it!) but the first thing that I read are two thick, descriptive paragraphs. In the third, I noticed a little thing missing; just a comma:

The invading force, clad in heavy metallic armor, had arrived the previous night, with orders to seize the defenseless trading post and pave the way for more troops to come through on their route.


Some of your descriptions, and lack of specificity in who or what the action was happening to, is what is making the story so confusing. Like after the three soldiers run away

The huge, jagged door skewered two on impact and the third fell back in surprise, landing prone on his armored back.
Skewered two what? The third (what?) fell in surprise. The word choice for prone is kind of strange, especially if the door killed him (was the scardey cat still alive?). Prone is a strange word choice; it suggests that he landing on his stomach on purpose, instead of falling there after the impact.

Torpid was on him in a flash, his dual pistols in hand, pointed at the horrified face of the alien invader.
When I first read that, I thought that Torpid landed on the third soldier.

The alien invader description I thought was pretty good, though the sentence structure was awkward.
It was a yellow green, rough and resembling a lizard’s hide.
I'll write it differently, adding another comma and get rid of the "a." Getting rid of "a" will get rid of another what question. (— a yellow green...? color... duh). It was yellow green, and the skin was rough, resembling a lizard’s hide. It was one of the uglier ones.

The human almost thought twice before squeezing the trigger of his left pistol.
Why? By giving more information about that, you might let us know his character more than just what his occupation is.

But then he thought of the women and children above them in the battered buildings, still in hiding and he knew that this monstrosity before him would not have given there lives so much thought.
First of all, that's fragment. Fragments aren't always bad, but when you have a sentence that is fragmented because both of the sentences would be too long together, the only way to make that better is to chop off some adjectives and get to the point quicker. That would not make it such a strange sentence.

He pulled the trigger and stood up, glad that he had lessened the ranks of the enemy.
He killed the alien. I'm just making sure, because your way was a fancy way of saying something so simple. After that one alien's death, all of the other aliens fled? Because there's no more carnage, and no more death. All of the aliens are gone. Drat.

“Does it ever get to you to though?” She asked when they had finally come to the entrance of the cellar from which they had entered.

There's no "though". "Entrance" implied that they "entered". You don't need to write "entered."

“Nope, sorry.” The mercenary replied, suddenly turning joyous in his words.
How can you suddenly turn joyous, when you haven't showed any emotion? Joyous is a bad word. BAD WORD! A description is better to accompany the adjective. I don't suppose he looked like anything once his voice changed? The same goes for Kilie above.

The end.




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Thu Dec 29, 2005 8:56 pm
Torpid says...



I really dont think there is going to be any more alien invasion...i wrote it cuz i had come to a dead end...there wasnt much thought in it or effort. i MIGHT come back to it but for now i'll be in the FANTASY FICTION section.




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Thu Dec 29, 2005 6:13 pm
emotion_less wrote a review...



It was pretty well-written, but I agree with Aviator about a little more of the reason for the aliens' attack. Is there more to it or is this it? If this is all, then you should really write about this gemstone, not tell us about it afterward.

[And when you comment on someone else's story, you should really comment IN their board, not on yours. ;)]




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Thu Dec 29, 2005 4:59 pm
Torpid says...



Aviator, The Alien's are attacking because o' this jemstone which is important for some reason......




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Thu Dec 29, 2005 2:01 pm
Torpid says...



The Silent Aviator wrote:A brief, but good invasion thriller.
Well-written. Personally, I would've liked to see more backstory, though. Why are the aliens attacking? What is their "objective"?

...Just my opinion.


Thank you, i read your story about the Vigilante but i think it was just a little too dark for me. It was good but so dark. After the initial crime i thought it was too scary. Parents in the military?
As for the background and their objective, i honestly haven't given it that much thought. I jotted down this story at the library the other day because i couldn't decide what to write...

~Torpid




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Thu Dec 29, 2005 4:37 am



A brief, but good invasion thriller.
Well-written. Personally, I would've liked to see more backstory, though. Why are the aliens attacking? What is their "objective"?

...Just my opinion.





okay I think I need to grab some nachos
— BluesClues